Elliot

Nine

"Watch your six, El." Alvin said. Clicking noises on the controller and gunshots on the television dominated the whole room. I came over to Alvin's house today. The rain was still pounding hard against the windows.

"I need heavy ammos."

"You ran out already?"

"What did you think I used earlier when you decided to raid a whole squad?"

"I didn't mean to! I thought he was alone."

"Just hand me some bullets." His character dropped three packs of ammo and I grabbed it.

We were playing for almost two hours now. I needed to do things that would pull me away from my thoughts anyway. At least in here, I could focus on one thing only. And that's winning.

"So," Alvin said. My character was getting shot. I fucking hate ambush. "How you been lately?"

"Fine." I said. "You?"

"Good, actually."

There was silence. Well not really, there were gunshots and shouts and explosions. Kind of what's going on in my mind.

"So... Klein." I said.

"Okay, what about her?"

"Didn't work out?"

"Nah. She said I wasn't her type. Which is fine because at least she didn't lead me on, you know? Just straight up honest."

"Well, that's nice of her. And that sucks for you."

"I know." He put a chip on his mouth and crunched loudly. "How about you? Did you find a new girl that could make your heart beat fast?" He grinned like an idiot while wiggling his eyebrows.

I shook my head. Then I remembered he wasn't looking at me. "No." I said.

"No? Like you don't even get a date or stuff?"

"No."

"Damn, well that's new," he said. "Back when we were on high school, you seem to talk about a lot of girls. And now you're here telling me you don't have any around." He laughed. "That's big news!"

I sighed. The game just ended. We lost. I didn't know what to say to Alvin. So I didn't talk. We started a new game instead. I just hoped to win.

There were gunshots and explosions again. It started hurting my brain. I didn't know why. It just did.

I was pressing hard on the controller. The buttons were suddenly my enemies. Poor buttons. But that's okay. They don't have feelings anyway. Sometimes I wonder what's it like to not have feelings.

"Are you okay?" Alvin suddenly said. "Like dead serious."

I pressed harder on the buttons. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"You just seem uptight and tense lately. I'm just worried, you know?"

I didn't know. I didn't know at all. Everything is just fucked up lately. "I'm fine," I said.

There was a bomb in front of us. I thought we could outrun it... but it was too late. We died immediately. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I shouted. "Why the fuck does everything have to explode suddenly? It's fucking ridiculous, for fuck's sake!"

It was quiet again. The rain was the only sound booming in my ears. I hated it. My face was buried on my hands.

And then I was crying. Why was I crying?

"Elliot."

I just continued crying. Fuck. When was the last time I ever cried? I didn't know. Alvin didn't know what to say.