Elliot

Thirty-Three

On the last day of summer, I've decided to go to the cemetery. It has been a while since I last visited my mother's grave. And I could still remember the painful feeling that I had, the feeling like my heart was being clenched with a fist.

I could still remember the day she left the world. I was a miserable boy. And I hated myself for being like that. I thought that she was unfair for leaving us, leaving me in this scary world that she always pointed out to be beautiful.

Jameson. I couldn't hear that name the same after she died. She loved to call me by that name: "Because your father and I had a bit of an argument whether to name you Elliot or Jameson. But we got to an agreement to why not just name you both. So here you are, in the flesh, Elliot Jameson Hamilton. My son. And I'm gonna call you Jameson whenever I want, whether you like it or not."

And I did like it. Because it was from her.

But after she died, it's like other part of me died too. And maybe that included Jameson. Maybe that included the boy that was amazed by the world because his mother taught so.

So I hated it. I hated that Jameson boy.

There were a few people at the cemetery. Each one of them were mourning for a lost soul. Each one of them were grieving. Each one of them were holding into agony. Death was the thing that broke us apart.

I sat down a few inches away from the tomb of my mother. Then I placed down a flower. Her name was carved into the stone.

Elliana Hamilton.

"I feel like I need to apologize first for being such a dick. I mean that would've been the first thing you'd say to me for not visiting here a long time. I'm sorry, Mom. I really am. I guess I thought maybe it would get better to pretend that you're not in this place. That, instead, you're just in my mind, my heart. But I was wrong. It wouldn't change the fact that you're not with us in this world anymore. Pretending was a hurtful decision to make, because we believe that maybe we would be fine if we did. A lot happened. Like, really, a lot. I finished my first year in college. I made friends-well, more friends. And they're very cool, I learned a lot from them... or with them. I still suck at baking, yes, but I'm still trying. There's a lot of trying that I have to do in my life. And also speaking about my life, I made a whole discovery about it. I found out that I like guys now."

I was smiling. I knew I was smiling.

"I am a gay man. I am a freaking gay man, Mom, and it's absolutely awesome. And I wouldn't be able to finally find it if it weren't for this one guy. His name is Tobias Antoine. He's my boyfriend. I wish you could meet him. I just know that you two would make a very good duo in the kitchen. He taught me things. He helped me discover beautiful things in the world. And then I finally believed that-just like what you always say-the world is a beautiful place. It was beautiful, specially when you finally find out what's the reason behind its beauty.

"But also every good news has a trailing bad news behind it. Dad and Roger's garage shop was closed permanently. There were no customers coming to the shop anymore after a new garage shop opened, so they've decided to shut it down. I guess it's for good. Maybe it's time for us to move on and explore new things.

"You were a good mother. I hope you know that. I wouldn't ask for anything more. I love you just like how I love painting things. You were an art that was supposed to be finished, but never did. And you loved the world that you always thought as a beautiful place. That makes me love you even more-because you care about things whether it is small or large. Life was unfair to you, but you were never unfair to live according to what you want. You were a woman who lived in a beautiful world. Your name is imprinted in our minds and our hearts. And I'm proud to say that 'I am Elliot Jameson Hamilton, and I am a son of the most spectacular woman in the world.'"