angels//muke

16

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liz wiped tears from her own face, her heart breaking. "luke, i'm going to tell you some things that you don't know. when i was a teenager, i was like you. i had depression. i had anxiety. i was suicidal. i wrote 3 suicide notes, but each time i went to do it, i decided not to. the last time, right before i went to swallow the first pill, i spit it out. i didn't chicken out like the other times, i didn't do it because i had a weird feeling. like all of a sudden, i needed to stay alive one more day. two days later, i went to the doctor with your nana because my stomach had been bothering me. they told me i was pregnant. at first, i was shocked. i had only had sex once in my life, and your dad forced me to do it. i didn't want it. he kept pushing me down and hitting me, so i finally just gave in. i was too scared to tell anyone but nana, and i had to break down and beg her not to tell anyone. i thought it would be fine because we had just broken up, and he used a condom, and i was on birth control for my periods, so i thought we would be fine. that's why i was shocked. then a few minutes later, they did my first ultrasound. they showed me the little thing on the screen and said, 'that's your baby.' i started to tear up, because i couldn't believe that i had a little person inside of me. then, they turned the sound on so i could hear your heartbeat. and luke, that was the moment. i started bawling, because i had no idea that in just a few seconds i could fall in love. i didn't know if you were a boy or a girl, i didn't know if you were going to have any special needs, and even if you did, i wouldn't have loved you any less. i didn't know how my family would react, i didn't know how your dad would react. but, i knew i loved you more than anything in the world. and literally all you were was a heartbeat. they printed out the pictures from the ultrasound and gave them to us, and we made another appointment and left. before we went home, we stopped at ihop and ate dinner. nana told me, 'elizabeth, i know this isn't your fault. so i understand if you don't want to keep this baby. i'd rather you not have an abortion, but it is your decision, and i'll support you. i can already tell you that andrew isn't going to be there for this child. but if you do decide to keep it, your dad and i will help you,and i know becca will too. but like i said, it's all up to you, honey. just know i love you.' i almost started crying again. i told her there was no way that i wasn't keeping you. i already loved you. so i kept you. throughout my pregnancy, i noticed i was feeling better. i didn't want to die. i wasn't very depressed. my anxiety got better. i was happy. i lost half my family and most of my friends, but i was happy. i didn't need them. they didn't really care about me. so i didn't care. the day i found out you were a boy, becca, nana, papa and i sat in the living room and searched the super-slow dial up internet and looked through book after book after book of baby boy names trying to name you. we got it down to three names: lucas robert, jordan daniel, and christian alexander. nana and papa liked all three the same, so it was up to becca and i because i wasn't choosing your name alone. we decided at four in the morning while we were baking a cake, that you were going to be lucas robert, and we would call you luke. i liked luke because it means light, and you're my light. and the day you were born- oh, luke. i was terrified of childbirth, i was afraid you weren't going to like me, and i was afraid i would be a bad mum. and honestly, pushing you out hurt like hell, but it was all worth it. nana and becca were in there with me. becca sat on the bed with me as they were cleaning you up, and since she was your godmother, we decided that she would cut your umbilical cord. she did and it freaked her out! we were all laughing at her while she was about to cry because she thought she did it wrong. then, i got to hold you. as soon as the nurse placed you in my arms, you stopped crying. it's like you knew i was your mummy. and honestly, i had no idea that it would only take a few seconds for me to fall in love. you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen.. my beautiful little angel. even though i was young, i knew i couldn't wait to raise you. i don't regret a single thing. luke, my point is, not only have you made my life better, you saved it. i love you more than anything, that will never change. and no matter how old you get, you will always be my baby boy. always." liz told her son, tearfully stroking his hair.

luke just looked at her, too surprised to think of something to say.

"i didn't know that, mum. why didn't you tell me?" luke managed to say.

liz just shrugged, shaking her head.

"i honestly don't know, i never thought i needed to. but that's why i keep telling you that i understand how you feel. because i really do." she reassured her son.

"i just.. i feel like such a waste of space, like i'm not necessary. i just don't want to feel like that. i want to feel loved, wanted. i try not to tell people about what goes on inside my head because they'll just be like, 'oh luke, you have no reason to hate yourself' but they don't realize that it goes deeper than that, that i will feel like this no matter what." luke told her. "i can't help it, no matter what anyone tells me."

"i'm going to make you another appointment with the psychiatrist. luke, honey, you need help. like, maybe a hospital stay would help you. you need treatment. you don't deserve to feel this way, and you can't keep mutilating your body like this. i know it may be the only thing that helps you now, but i honestly think a hospital stay would help you a lot. please don't fight me on this, luke. i love you and i want what's best for you. and i need you here. everyone does. please, just hear me out." liz said.

"will i be alone?" luke asked.

"no, i can stay with you if you want, and you can have visitors." she informed him.

"okay."
"okay what?"
"i'll go."

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