In My Head

Chapter 15 - Losing Faith

News of Pavetta and Duny's deaths hit me like a wrecking ball. It was like I had lost a sister, but I wasn't able to dwell in my despair. I needed to be strong for Ciri. Things Pavetta and I had talked about in secret before her death became very clear, but also worrisome. I was torn on what I should do.

Should I leave her here with Calanthe and go in search of Geralt who I knew would protect her; or should I just take Ciri back to my world with me? I sat in my bed, Ciri's head laying gently in my lap as she sleeps deeply. I gently smooth her soft blonde hair back as I ponder the pros and cons.

Pros being, she could still train and work on getting her powers under control. The biggest pro of all was that she'd be safe. Cons were she'd have to leave this world behind, for now at least. I wouldn't keep her away forever. Just until I knew she could take care of herself.

There was only one thing standing in my way...

Calanthe...

She would never let me take Ciri. Even if in some twisted traditions way, she belonged to me. which I still felt was stupid as hell. You couldn't own a person. I let out a heavy sigh as I start to get a headache from thinking so much. This wasn't going to be easy. If only Geralt was here, he'd be able to help me.

My brow furrows as I start to get irritated at the fact that it has been so long since I last saw him. Was he tired of me? Had I made the wrong decision? My heart clenches at the possibility that I had been abandoned. Ciri lets out a soft sob next to me and I push my painful thoughts away.

Moving down so that I am lying beside her in my bed, I cuddle her close. Her sobs disappear instantly as she clutches tightly to the front of my dress. I gently kiss the top of her head as I let out soft coos calming her. I close my eyes and slowly drift off to sleep, thoughts of what I should do filling my head.

~~~~~~

"So, what are you going to do?" Natasha asks me as I watch Ciri in one of her many classes.

"I don't know." I reply as I move from the doorway to walk down the hallway out of earshot of Ciri. "I've thought long and hard about it and I can't take her from Calanthe, no matter how safe she'd be with us. She just lost her parents; I won't make her lose her grandmother."

"What about him? Have you thought about finding him?" She asks and I let out a heavy sigh.

"I've thought about it, but what good would it do." I shake my head angrily. "He left. I understand the need to protect the world from monsters, but to not return, not even to visit; it's too much." I pause for a moment as I glance out a nearby window. "We saved people all over the world, and even the universe, and yet, we always returned back to our loved ones."

"The only way you're going to know why he hasn't returned is if you ask him yourself."

"I can't leave, not now. Ciri needs me."

"But does she need to see you so miserable." Natasha interjects making my eyes snap to her. "You've been walking around here like a corpse since he left. It's gotten worse since Pavetta died."

"I don't mean too. It's just..." I pause looking out over the landscape.

"Go find him," She begins as she moves to stand next to me in the window. "Go find him and tell him everything you've been feeling. I can take care of Ciri."

"I can't just leave."

"Yes, you can. You need this (Name). You need closure."

"You say that like I'm ending things with him." I add and she nods.

"That's for you to decide. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have left, or more importantly, he wouldn't have stayed gone for this long."

"You're right." I conclude as I take a deep breath. "Maybe being with him was a mistake. I don't regret coming here, cause if I didn't, I would never have been able to be here with Ciri. I love her more than anything. Even more since I know I'll never have any children of my own."

"I will take good care of her." Natasha says and I nod.

"I know you will." Straightening my shoulders, I take a deep breath and decide on what to do. "Keep her safe and close. I have a bad feeling, if what Pavetta told me is correct... we'll need to be prepared for anything."

"I've already cleared it with Calanthe, if we need to take her through the portal, we can."

"That's the last thing I want to do, but if it will keep her safe I will." Straightening my shoulders, I continue, "Now, I have a wolf to hunt."

Will Continue -