In My Head

Chapter 9 - Toxic

I sit on the bay window seat in Tony's vacation home looking out it as the rain cascades down upon the window glass. After I returned Tony and Natasha thought it would be best if I took some time off. Tony offered his northern New York countryside villa and I leaped at the chance to get away and be by myself. It gave me a lot of time to be alone and think about what I really wanted.

Even though Bucky had wanted to see me after I got back, I had refused him. I had Steve tell him I was going to use the time he wanted apart to find out what I truly wanted. That was almost seven months ago. Another thing that I discovered after I returned was that I no longer dreamt of Geralt. I mean I still dreamed of the few hours we spent together, but I was no longer watching him in his world. I hated to admit it, but that was a big weight off of my shoulders.

A flash of lightning flashes across the sky and I smirk to myself as I knew Thor was close by. After we had returned, he always checking on me making sure that I was alright. He was truly like a big brother. I hear the doorbell ring and I furrow my brow. Thor usually just walks right in when he visits. Getting up from my seat, I walk to the front door and opening it I see a familiar pair of blue eyes and my heart clenches.

"James," I start my eyes meeting his. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you." He answers his hands in his pockets as he stands there slightly damp from the rain. "I missed you."

"Um," I pause gripping tightly to the door handle.

I look once again at his damp hair and sigh. Taking a step back I motion for him to come into the house. When he does, I close the door behind him. I still didn't know how I was going to have a talk with him. Even though I had had all these months to ponder it, I was still nowhere near finding the words I needed.

"Let's go into the living room." I say walking towards the living room only to have Bucky stop me by wrapping his arms around my waist from behind. My heart clenches as he stops me in my tracks.

"Come home, please." He whispers against my ear making me furrow my brow.

"James, I..." I pause as I pull myself out of his arms. Turning to look at him I see his eyes full of sadness and regret. "I can't do that."

"You've been here for months now. Why can't you come home?" He asks anger starting to fill his words.

"My head's still a mess," I start folding my arms over my chest. "I'm not trying to make an excuse but... I don't know. I just can't explain it."

"Maybe it's because you feel guilty." Bucky announces making me tilt my head in confusion.

"Do I have a reason to feel guilty? What did I do to feel guilty about?" I ask in anger.

"I don't know, maybe because you fucked that guy!" Bucky accuses and my eyes widen as rage washes over me.

"Excuse you, I didn't fuck Geralt. Yes, we slept in the same bed but I didn't fuck him."

"Right," he replies rolling his eyes in disbelief.

"I didn't, I wasn't about to hurt you like that." I add making him run a hand through his hair.

"Then why have you been hiding here for all these months? What are you hiding?" He inquires.

"I'm not hiding anything! I'm here to get over someone I have been in love with since I was fifteen years old. I'm here to forget and move on, so you coming here accusing me of shit I didn't do, doesn't fucking help."

"I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you." Bucky concludes and shake my head angry tears wanting to fall from my eyes.

"Fine. If you don't believe me, then why are you here?" I ask furrowing my brow at him.

"Maybe I was just hoping you would tell me the truth."

"But I did!" I yell out in anger as I reach up and cover my face letting out a frustrated groan.

"If you came here just to start shit, you can leave." I hear a deep voice say from the front doorway and I turn to see Thor standing there, anger in his eyes as he glares at Bucky.

"This is between me and her, I have no issues with you." Bucky replies turning to face Thor.

Thor and Bucky start to argue back and forth but I don't hear a word as suddenly I feel my legs give out from under me sending me to the floor. I instantly feel a strong pull toward the door and I know exactly where it's pulling me too. Seeing me hit the floor their arguing ends as they rush to my side.

"(Name), what's wrong?!" Thor calls his hands gently reaching out to touch my shoulders.

"I have to go back," I say my eyes focused on the door.

"Of course, you do," Bucky inserts making Thor glare at him.

"Is it him?" Thor asks seriously.

"No..." I pause my eyes not leaving the door as I push myself to stand up. "It's Pavetta."

"Who's Pavetta?" Bucky asks.

"A princess." Thor answers not looking at Bucky.

"I need to go back." I repeat as I push past the two of them toward the door.

"Hold on," Thor calls grabbing my arms stopping me.

"Dammit Thor," I growl my eyes finally meeting his. "It's time, I have to be there."

Sensing my meaning Thor grabs my hand and starts leading me toward the front yard, Bucky follows closely behind still not understanding what was going on.

"Where are you going?" Bucky inquires worry filling his voice.

"Where I belong." I answer without looking back at him. "Goodbye James."