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25th September 1991 / Sayreville New Jersey
HAYLEE'S POV:
I paced the room back and forth, again and again and again until I was so dizzy I could hardly see straight. I don't know how many times I could look at the same four walls, but it must've been minutes before I could bring myself to look at the numerous little sticks I'd bought.
Three should be enough, right? To give an accurate answer.
It was so daunting, just looking at them by the basin, turned downward so not to reveal the verdict. I was participating in a stand-off with them, and they were clearly winning, I was just itching to turn them over and get it all over with, but the other part of me was terrified.
I couldn't pinpoint why; but I think it had something to do with the fact I'd been in the exact same position before.
Eventually my trembling hands couldn't resist, and I picked one of them up. I hadn't looked at it yet, and I just stared at myself in the mirror, trying to calm myself. I looked down to my tummy, putting a hand on it gently. Could there really be a baby in there?
I was tired of waiting to find out, so I finally looked at the little stick in my shaking hands.
Positive.
Before I was sure I'd even read it right, it fell out of my hands. I grabbed the other ones, desperately.
Positive, positive.
All positive, 3/3. I felt dizzy, so I sat myself down by the bathtub. Positive, the word rung in my mind.
Pregnant ...or not. They could be wrong, but what were the odds of getting three wrong tests in a row?
Before I knew it, I was crying again, but this time I was smiling through the tears. I pulled my knees to my chest, feeling my tears drop down to my thighs, barely covered by Jon's warm blue bathrobe. I just sobbed, and I don't know why, it was just a tsunami of emotions I couldn't even begin to comprehend, but I knew that above all of them, was sheer, uncontrollable and unrelenting happiness.
Oh Jon would be so thrilled, I imagined telling him the news, and being picked up and spun round in his arms as he yelled from the top of his lungs that he was going to be a Dad. And yet, as warm as that thought made me, and as perfect as I imagined the moment to be...something had made my heart sink.
I think it was what had me so worked up last night. I'd...deep down...known that I was pregnant, or at least had a hunch, especially after throwing up, but I'd lied to him, and downplayed everything I was feeling...because I didn't want him to know.
Well, of course I did, I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but I knew it would only cause me stress.
I'd stopped trying to make sense of my thoughts, because I really couldn't. I just knew that the grief I'd experienced losing Christian had resonated inside of me in lots of different ways. It made me more cautious with everything than I was back then.
