Diary of A Young Asperger (ON HIATUS)

Monday, 27th December 2021

I'm not gonna lie.

It's been a hell of a ride this month.

For one, it's been a year since I launched Diary of A Young Asperger. Honestly, it wasn't easy to open up my memories and experiences, especially when I was in the process of healing. But it helped me to meet my aim in approaching myself in a different light, and learn more about myself and others in the Autism Spectrum.  

Furthermore, after a year and a half stuck at home with college online classes, I officially moved into my dorm.

Yes, my dorm—a completely new place.

Furthermore, my mother had her surgery which kept me at the edge due to reasons that I don't want to disclose here (I'm saving y'all from the details for a reason).

For now, here's what you need to know:

1) When applying for a dorm room, I submitted my medical report that was given by my psychiatrist for referential purposes. They (those who are in charge of dorms) will have to pick a room based on my special needs, among other needs. Thankfully, it was an all-female dorm with plenty of space for me to move around—checking all my boxes.

2) I registered myself under their disability department—yes, they have a department that will assist you based on your disability needs. I had to do it because it was hard for me to meet the dues of the fast-paced university environment.

3) Moving into my dorm was a surreal experience (you know, dusting/cleaning and settling in). At the same time, loneliness began to loom into my head. Every time I eat in my cafeteria, sit by myself, do my laundry, walk around, and get necessities without anyone's company other than YouTube and music—it kept hanging around my head like a dangling crown.

I'm aware that having ASD includes having difficulty adapting to a new environment quickly. I was able to navigate my way when living alone because most of the places I went was familiar to me—meaning I knew the place, the roads, the in-and-outs, etc. I always know what to do when any situation arises, and that there's always a familiar figure that I could count on (be it a friend, family, or a relative) nearby.

With dorms, it's a lot more different.

It's so easy for anyone to say "WhEn I mOvE iNtO mY dOrM, I will hAvE tHe fReEdOm tHaT I wAnT."

Huh, easier said than done.

I don't know about you guys, but no one has ever told me about loneliness—and how it manipulates you with temptations. I'm referring to actions that will detriment you in the long run—breaking things, create drama for no reason, get into unhealthy relationships, etc. 

Okay, I understand that settling into dorms takes time—you've moved out of your comfy home into a whole new environment where you're to fend for yourself. There are realities you have to adapt to, and you will definitely get homesick.

But then, it would be unrealistic to sell the heavy sugarcoated ideology of living alone for the first time. Not everyone can settle down within minutes or a day or a week—it takes time to accept that you're living alone, and that only you can look after yourself.

This ideology can be positively promoted in the name of self-love, but not when it's pushed upon people who moved for the first time. Living alone is a good thing, a main indication of independence—but many make the mistake of pushing it too hard on others, expecting them to get used to it instantly. 

We're humans, not instant noodles. 

And when you're on the Autism Spectrum, things can get a little rough. 

Here, I can only speak based on my experience since I lived in my dorm for almost a week before leaving for the holidays. 

As I've mentioned above, loneliness was my main companion. There were times where I struggle to leave my room or get up from my bed. I get frustrated and lazy every time I thought of eating something—do I need to leave my room and go to the cafeteria for food? Do I need to do my laundry? Do I need to get groceries for myself? Why can't I just stay here all day long?

Anxiety and stress kept visiting in and out of my mental state, at one point I broke down in defeat—I was too weak and drained of energy to keep going. I met no one but the air of emptiness around me. I've never felt so lonely in my life before. 

Eventually, later in the week, I finally saw the warm light at the end of my dark tunnel. 

Someone once said that living alone is the key to figure yourself out. You'll be able to sort out your priorities, gain the wisdom of the art of living alone, and push myself out of your comfort zone—without any distractions you'll usually get at home.

My comfort zone was once my comfortable mindset and my comfy room at home—now, I'm given a chance to expand my mindset and learn to adapt rather than be stiff for the rest of my life.

This is my chance to grow and challenge myself. And if you're reading this, you need to hear this. 

The world continues to evolve and develop in unexpected and unpredictable ways. I won't deny that at times it gets really hard to adapt and catch up with the fast-paced world. 

But I want you to remember that there's nothing wrong with slowing down. Moving into a new place, especially when you are wired to take things step-by-step, is a whole new experience.  And being hard on yourself will not take you anywhere. 

Did I fight to move out of my house? Yes.

Was it lonely? Yes.

Was it difficult to adapt? Yes, definitely.

But do I regret it? Nope, not at all.

.

With the world leaving 2021 behind and embracing 2022, I learned a very important lesson: It doesn't matter how "severe" we are. We have unique special superpowers that isn't often talked about.

At some point, we grow tired of hearing the typical insults thrown at us. And when we get to know ourselves, we realise how remarkable we are as a unique human being. . .and that the world will only judge us based on media representation, assumptions, and bandwagon-based mindsets. In other words, their view of us is often shallow. . .shallower than we thought.

With that, we shall put our phones down, and give yourself a warm sincere hug. 

Do it!

You deserve it~

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Author's Note: Holy crap, a year just flew by just like that! I can't believe 2022 is just around the corner—I feel so old T-T.

Thank you so much for the love and support for the past year, dear readers. I feel overwhelmed as I write this, reflecting on how far I've came from last year. I hope you enjoyed the journey as much as I did, and that you learn to accept yourself as you are. Self-love takes time, energy, and often messy (really messy). But by the time you reunited with your tunnel of light. . . .I promise you, you are going to be happier than ever.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my entries, and I hope you learn as much as I do in 2021.

I see you guys. . .next month (more like next year lol).

Stay safe and healthy~

<333