Never Our Fault

072

Angst alert!

GRAHAM CASSIUS MONTEZ.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

The static sound of the clock rang in my ears. I woke up at 3 AM from a nightmarish dream. I covered my ears to stop hearing the tick-tock sound but to no avail. It was deafening. Suffocating, like someone's hands were gripping tightly to my throat. I could feel beads of sweat treading down my back. My heart's pounding so loud. I was gasping for air. I was so out of it!

The clock in my ears got louder, and louder, and louder, and louder-like the devil whispering temptations to the weak-minded fool slowly nearing the abyss of nothingness.

"It's all your fault. It's all your fault!" Distorted voices echoed through the fibers of my being, alongside the time ticking as if it were a bomb about to be detonated. "It's your fault she died! You didn't save Alora!"

I know that!

I know that already. . .

Something moved beside me as my world crumbled. Cashiel, my solace, scooted over to my side and rubbed his head on my cold hand. I probably woke him up because of my whimpers of suppressed pain.

I gritted my teeth.

Breathe, Graham. Breathe.

I cried as the tsunami of unkempt, hidden emotions gushed all over my entirety. All I saw was a thin line breaking and traces of red all over my hands.

Her blood is on my hands.

It is my fault.

My heart clenched and the sound of the clock faded away from hearing, a tear dropped from my eye and I let out a sigh of relief.

This is my guilt haunting me. This is the reality I've forced myself to live in.

I dreamt of their tragedy again, and again, and again, and again. I relive the same agony as if it were my own paved path to Calvary, only to be crucified by all the feelings I've kept on guard every night. Every. Night.

The images of Alora Cassandria, my other half, bathing in her own blood while her little arms were wrapped on the unconscious Cashmere whose head hit hard against the solid concrete floor of the road, stuck on my head. That was half of my life ago and while they were going through the gates of Tartarus, I just stood there at the side of the road, trembling as I witnessed the bloody scene of people panicking over two bodies of young girls who were most likely dead.

It was almost a miracle that Cashmere survived. But only at the cost of her memories wiped out clean. Her selective amnesia blurred out the happiest days of my life-her, me and Alora playing without a care everyday in the neighborhood.

I was just eight back then when I realized how degrading, how cruel the world was. When it gets to see a glint of sunshine, it kills its light for darkness to reign over people's lives.

"Bakit hindi mo sila niligtas! Sana pinigilan mo! Sana pinigilan mo, inutil kang anak!" My mother's mourning cry woke up my senses. She buried her hands on my young body, showering me all her frustrations and regrets. "E 'di sana buhay siya ngayon! Sana nandito pa si Alora! Sana ikaw na lang ang namatay! Oh! 'Yung anak ko!" she cried more as my feeble minded father took her into his arms, offering comfort.

I looked into his eyes and saw the vision of our family crumbling. I knew he had been keeping a mistress away from my mother's observing eyes.

He was only keeping the happy family picture he painted for Alora. Kasi gusto niya, masaya siya. All of us wanted that. But now that she's gone-our only sunshine-I already knew our family is nearing its end.