Lost ; Daryl Dixon

Chapter 9

'Y'know we're all here for you.' Rick's hand came to rest on Daryl's shoulder. 'Whatever you need. You've just got to let us know.'

'What I need is to be left the hell alone,' the archer snapped, yanking himself away from his friend's touch, and turning to face him, his eyes flashing with anger. 'None of y'all know what it is I'm going through, not one of ya.'

'You think you're the only one that's lost someone?' Rick bristled, images of Lori and Carl scrolling through his brain. 'You know how much has been taken from me, from Maggie-'

'But ain't none of the people ya lost been yer fault! Imagine how it'd feel t' know that Lori would still be alive if it weren't for somethin' stupid ya did! Could ya live with that, Rick? Could ya?'

His face was red with anger as he squared up to the sheriff, the muscles in his arms tensed and straining against the sleeves of his shirt, as he balled his fists.

'Daryl, you can't blame yourself. You didn't know-'

'But I shoulda. I shoulda known she'd find a way outta that damn cell, shoulda known she couldn't take it! And I shoulda stuck to the plan, but I jus'... I wanted it over. I wanted her back.'

'We all did.'

Once again Rick reached out to the archer, and once again Daryl pulled roughly away. 'It ain't the same. She was...'

He tailed off as tears stung his eyes, blinding him momentarily before he scrubbed them away with the back of his arm. 'She was all I had. She was all I wanted.'

'I know.'

'I don' know how to do this without her, how to do any o' this. E'rywhere I look in this damn place, I see her face. I can't take it no more.'

'You thinking of leaving?'

'Ain't just thinkin', I'm goin'. Soon as it gets light, I'm takin' off.'

'Daryl, you don't have to-'

'Yeah,' he bit out, dropping his gaze to the ground as he avoided Rick's pitying stare. 'Yeah, I do.'

Rick nodded sadly, pausing before he walked away and left Daryl sitting alone on the porch. 'Well, we'll be here whenever you're ready to come home. There'll always be a place for you with us.'

Daryl's shoulders slumped as he watched the man he considered his brother turn his back on him and head off down the street. He knew he was testing everyone's patience with the black cloud that seemed to follow him everywhere he went, but he couldn't shake it. The guilt was all-consuming, the grief even more so, and with the two emotions eating him up inside, he had nothing left to offer the group. The only reason he hadn't hurled himself in to a herd of walkers was cos he could imagine how pissed she'd be if she knew that the thought had even crossed his mind.

That was the type of person she'd been, always keeping him going when he got real dark, trying to lighten his mood, share his burden. The girl would have done anything for him. She was probably the first person in the world to have truly loved him, and now that she was gone, he didn't know how to be that man anymore, the one that was worthy of her, the one that tried to do the right thing.

*****

'You okay?'

He'd thought Y/N was asleep, but her hoarse whisper in the darkness told him otherwise, and he tightened the arm he had wrapped around her, pulling her in close. They were in a temporary housing complex for abused women that Carol had known of from before, waiting for dawn so they could continue their search for Beth. The bottom bunk they lay on was too small really for both of them, but Y/N was curled so tightly against him that she was barely taking up any space. Carol's breathing had finally evened out above them, reassuring him that at least one of them was getting some rest.