Lost ; Daryl Dixon

Chapter 36

When the front door swung open in the early hours of the morning, you were curled up on the couch, lost in your own thoughts, running through a million different scenarios in your head and trying to argue against your own decision, but still unable to see another way out. When you glanced up and saw the archer watching you warily, pushing the door shut behind him before stepping into the living room, your resolve strengthened again. You couldn't bear that uncertainty in his eyes. You only seemed to cause him pain, and your heart wasn't getting off lightly either. When he didn't speak, you sighed and motioned for him to take a seat beside you, waiting until he'd laid his crossbow down on the coffee table and settled himself on the cushion before scraping around for conversation.

'So, how is he? Have you heard?'

'Who? Negan?' When you nodded, Daryl scoffed and shook his head. 'Alive, s'all I know.'

You gave him a tight smile. ' Well, more's the pity, right? What did Rick have to say about it?'

'Not much. Just warned me off, told me I ain't gettin' near him again. S'not what Carl woulda wanted or some shit like that.'

'Yeah, that's pretty much what he said to me too.'

'He talked to ya?'

'He did. Wanted to know what's been going on with you and me.'

The tension between you grew heavier as the archer grunted, picking at his thumbnail and shooting you a worried look. 'What did ya tell him?'

You took a deep breath, knowing that this was going to hurt more than you could ever prepare yourself for. 'I told him that I love you, just as much as I ever did, but that I'm not sure if it's enough anymore.'

Daryl nodded slowly, his mouth set in a thin tight line as he gnawed on his bottom lip. 'I dunno what ya want me to say to that.'

'I think that's part of the problem,' you admitted. 'I feel like we don't know how to talk to each other anymore without it ending up in a fight.'

''N' yer still mad 'bout the whole Negan thing?'

'Which particular bit?' you asked, then realised that it didn't matter. 'Yeah, I am mad, about all of it, and about Eddie. I feel like it's all just too hard right now, y'know? It's never been hard with us before.'

'So, what are ya sayin'? S'over?'

'No, D,' you hurried to reassure him, though you knew that you were making him a promise that you might not be able to keep. 'It's not over. I don't think it'll ever be over with us, will it? I don't know how to not love you. It's like learning how to not need to breathe or something.'

'But?'

'But we can't go on like this. All we're doing is hurting each other, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't wanna be hurt.'

The moonlight shining in through the window highlighted his face, his piercing eyes glowing icy blue, his jaw locked and tense as he waited for you to continue. Even when he was angry he was beautiful, and you longed to reach out and run your fingertips over his cheekbone, to kiss away the frown that dragged on his lips, but you knew if you touched him you'd melt and that wouldn't achieve anything.

'I think I'm gonna go to the Hilltop.'

'Again?'