Lost ; Daryl Dixon

Chapter 37

As the door clicked shut behind Daryl, he heard the anguished cries that ripped from Y/N's body, fighting against every instinct he had that was telling him to go back inside and comfort her. He wanted so badly to hold her, to kiss her and bury himself in her, letting the rest of the world slip away as it had the previous morning, but that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted time and space, whatever the hell that meant. All it really sounded like to him was that she wanted to be somewhere he wasn't, and that hurt more than he could ever have imagined. They'd been through a lot together, him and his girl, and he'd started to hope that maybe she was his always, but now... Now he didn't even know if she was his tomorrow. She was leaving him, no matter what she said or how she tried to twist it into something else, she was walking out and leaving him on his own, and it took every ounce of strength he had to hold it together.

He'd wanted to tell her she was wrong, that she should stay, that leaving was only gonna ruin any chance that they had of sorting things out, but all she kept telling him was that she was tired of fighting. Arguing with her about her decision would only reinforce her confidence that she was doing the right thing, so he'd just accepted it. But he couldn't watch her go. It would hurt too much. So, he left the house, left her to sit and sob, heading for his bike, determined to get as far away as possible. He didn't much care that it was still dark out. It was a full moon and that would light his way enough that he'd be able to follow the road to wherever it would take him. Didn't matter where he ended up as long as it wasn't here, staring after her as she went off to start a better life. He'd only come back here for her, and now he felt like she was throwing that back in his face. Everything he did was wrong, every decision he made, every time he reacted, he just let her down. He shouldn't be surprised that she'd had enough, but he was. He'd been fighting for them, in his own way, and she'd given up. Everything she'd said had been a lie. She was leaving him. It was over. The last good thing he had was lost.

Reaching his motorcycle, he strapped his crossbow onto the back, checking that his knife and handgun were still securely in place against his hips, before slinging his leg over the machine and settling himself, resting his arms against the cool metal of the handlebars and letting his head fall forward just for a moment, swallowing down the wave of emotion that threatened to drag him under. He didn't do this. He didn't feel things this strongly, never had before in his life, not before her. She'd gotten under his skin, made him feel normal, like maybe he could function like a proper human being instead of one that was damaged and broken, but now broken was all he was. All he had left to give her were the sharp, fragmented pieces of himself and she didn't want them. He couldn't say he blamed her. She deserved so much more.

The engine shuddered to life beneath him, and he felt relief surge through his veins. This was what he was built for. The bike lurched forwards and he tucked his legs up, relishing the vibrations of the machine as he cruised down the road towards the gates, nodding for the guard to open them up as he slowed, then tearing out of the community in a cloud of dust, kicking up stones as he accelerated away. If she didn't want to fight anymore, he wasn't going to fight her. He wasn't going to beg. But he sure as hell wasn't going to stand and watch her leave.

The cool rush of air blasted his face, fighting his increasing exhaustion as he rode, his path glowing faintly in the moonlight, occasionally blinded when trees cast the track into shadow. Before dawn, a light mist of rain began to fall, coating his skin in a sheen of moisture and mingling with the tears that tracked down his cheeks. He didn't know where he was or where he was going. He was lost in memories.

*****

'Y'know, y'ain't gotta talk to 'er like that,' Dary snapped, shaking his head at Merle as his older brother smirked. 'She ain't like the girls back home.'