So be it

Emptiness

"I say kill them!"

I almost exploded right then and there. I was no lily flower and, hell knew, I had blood on my hands. But cold-blooded murder I could not stomach. Not like this. Never like this.

Jinx's hand on my shoulder stopped me from moving or speaking. Gloria's voice took the words from my mind.

"We are not barbarians, Amanda! We don't kill people just like that."

"Fuck you! You were not here. I was wounded! We could have died!"

"I wish I had been here! Do you think I wanted to come back to see my friends covered with blood?"

I could hear the guilt in Gloria's voice. She had been shocked to see the campsite, the smell of blood heavy in the still air.

"You weren't here so you don't know! It should be up to us! We were the ones that fought."

The little bitch was pushing it. Jinx's hand fell from my shoulder and I smiled.

Standing up brought every eye to me. I did not try to rein in my anger or the heaviness that had taken residence in my heart when I had to close Marie's eyes for the last time earlier this evening.

"I was here."

There was not even a murmur as I paused. Not even Amanda dared speak into the momentary silence.

"We were attacked and we defended ourselves. That's one thing. Murder is another. I won't do murder."

It was nothing more than talk of course. I had done murder earlier in the day. I could have tried to disarm or just wound. I hadn't. Killing without trying anything else first had been my choice. Instinctual or not, it had been my choice.

I met Jinx's eyes as I sat back down next to her. The understanding in them almost undid me and I had to look away. There were no words. I knew I had it in me since that first day. Today I had just proved it.

"So what do you want to do with them? We can't just keep them here. We barely have enough food for ourselves," Amanda said, contempt heavy in her voice.

I did not have to answer. Linda was there first. "I, for one, would like to know more about them. Or are you blind? None of them had knives or axes, no backpacks that I can see. Hell, most of them look starved to exhaustion."

The words were like fists hitting at me. Jinx's hand on my shoulder became my sole anchor. It had taken me very little time to realise that we had been attacked by people with much less than what we had. It burned in my mind that I had killed without question or compunction. It burned me that I had used steel against people that had attacked with sticks and bare hands.

The shouting match that was about to erupt made me ill. I stood without speaking or looking at anyone. Fuck them all! I could not stand another debate or Amanda's insanity.

My steps were quick and I never felt or heard the steps of those following me. The small huddle of prisoners sat next to one of the campfires. They were not talking to one another and most of them looked lost or resigned.

I stood in front of them, trying to ignore the fear in their eyes.

"Any of you speak English?" I barked.

I got some nods but not much else.

"Why did you attack?"

Silence greeted my question. Anger ignited in me once more. I did not have the patience to be kind, even if I had it in me to be so. Right then I was certain I didn't. So be it.

I grabbed the woman nearest to me, my hands anything but gentle. "Why?" I shouted at her.

"We were hungry." The tired frightened voice that answered felt like someone had hit me over the head. I let the obviously terrified woman go and turned away. It took everything in me to stay upright, even if my eyes teared.

Linda's voice was gentle as she asked the next question. The one I could not dare ask.

"Why did you not ask for food or something? Why just attack?"

The one I had grabbed did not answer but another voice, from deeper in the huddle, did.

"We did. She told us to go away."

I turned then. I could not have heard right. I was not much for talking and taking part in the nightly discussions but certainly I would have heard that someone had asked for help. If nothing else, I would have expected Gloria to ask me for my opinion. She always did, even if I did not attend the meeting.

I looked at Gloria, only to see the same questions in her eyes. Jinx was my next port of call but the paleness of her face told me she had as much of an idea as I had. Which was none. None!

Linda recovered first. "Who told you that?"

Six pairs of eyes turned towards the right. We all turned with them.

"Her," one of the frightened voices said faintly.

Amanda was standing away from the rest of us, illuminated by the firelight. She did not meet my gaze. Her words were low but audible. "We don't have enough food or huts as it is. What else could I have done?"

I saw red just then. I did not realise when I started walking towards Amanda, knife in hand and murder in my heart.

Jinx tackled me to the ground before I was even near Amanda. Her hand was like steel as she gripped mine. I would have bucked, fought her but it seemed like all fire went out inside of me in the blink of an eye. Just before I closed my eyes, I saw Carmen on the ground a few feet away, Anita and Linda both restraining her as she cursed and shouted trying to get away.

Jinx's voice was low, for my ears only. "Easy, Teach. Easy. It's gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok."

The tears that escaped my closed eyelids were hot against my skin. I did not sob, I had no breath for it. I never knew the moment that Jinx let go of my hand, her arms coming around me, holding me close.

I did not cry for long, just a short outburst to somehow bleed off some of the feeling that threatened to drown me. I had killed the helpless, the desperate, and for no reason. No reason at all but one woman's fear and arrogance.

"Let me go," I rasped at Jinx. She was slow to let go of me. As I climbed to my feet, instinctively returning the knife to its sheath, she almost spoke to me. I did not give her the chance as I walked away.

The river was calm in the night's stillness. The stars whose strangeness I had yet to accept blinked in their eternal light in the cloudless sky. Some animal was moving in the bushes just beyond. I sat there motionless, voiceless, empty.

There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel. I was empty. Just empty. So be it.

Chapter end
Thanks for reading