The portrait overthought

TW: Depression, suicide

Life feels dark within me
I feel I am losing the real me
The time passes by with every tick and tock
With everyone moving on with the clock

It's funny how everything is on the same boat,
Every one of us has the same view from this boat,
But yet— We tend to see it differently
And I see it as sad and unworthy

Painting of life is an abstract art with spilt colours
At first, It seems beautiful with thousands of colours
But after a good inspection at this "lovely" painting
You realise everything is just shades of black

Is this painting just too beautiful to understand and love it?
Or are we just hiding the eerie horrors by personifying it?
Everyone sees the colours differently at different times
And I...see it colourless, lifeless and meaningless all the time

Maybe I am colourblind to see the real meaning,
I am just a being whose life has no meaning
With every passing day, I try to change my part in it
I fill it with darkness and push myself behind

I am living trying to this art more lovable
But every time I lift my brush, life becomes less livable,
My hands tremble, I overthink and destroy my art
Letting myself drown in this paint of overthought scenarios

I keep trying but I failed to make it glow
I keep failing and it makes me feel low
I am not able to keep myself up with this colourful world
I am not able to remember who I was before

Can someone love me for the way I am right now?
Can I talk to you about the way I am right now?
Without being judged or ignored with you saying
"Don't talk to me, you are just an attention seeker"

Does anyone remember as clearly as I used to be?
Can anyone remind me what I used to be?
Before I lost myself in the depths of this sad paint
Which makes my life seem shallow and narrow

With every inch of my life swimming in my own shade
I just want to throw it and let myself fade
I am losing the colours that used to define me
I can't find a way to control my mind

Is it okay if I surrender and drown?
My end will not even be met by a frown
You all will be fine without me
The ugly spot of this collage will finally disappear

I don't want to be the end of me
I know it's there is a better life ahead of me
I want to talk about this with someone who truly believes my words
But no one believes my pain before I become the dying proof

I am more afraid of myself than anyone
My own thoughts kill me more than everyone
Every object appears as a tool for self-harm
I am desperate for death to make myself feel alive

Please help me it's the first time I begged this way
I don't want to die but my life's slipping away
It's my overthinking that will kill me
Not an assassin, a stranger or an enemy but my mind

I am broken, wrecked and too weak for the world
I feel unworthy and just a weight of the world
And despite all these depressive thoughts
My friends try to keep me alive with their kind words

They keep pushing me to stay alive
Thank them if you are happy I am alive
With every word I uttered with tears
They cried along with me and wipe my tears

I always wonder what makes them help me
I don't love myself but they love me
I don't think I deserve this affection I get from you
At this point, I don't deserve anything that's normal

Your kind words make me shiver
Your affection make me murmur
"Don't get too attached me since I'm losing my fight"
"And all I want to do is to visit the oblivion"

I am sorry, I can't stop hating myself

Despite your kind words to love myselfWhat have I become my sweetest friendLove turns to hate when you don't know yourself

I promise you, I am trying my best to stay alive
For you, and for me, I must stay alive
I have to stay alive for my childhood self
For unlike me, he had a lot of dreams

I am alive right now because of you
I will try my best to breathe for you
But if in case I lose in my fight
Please remember that I thank you for my breath

Please don't hate me for my defeat

I tried my best to stay in this worldPlease remember me as clear as I used to beStay happy and successful without me around

Please don't throw my art away

I know only black and not your wayBut there are vibrant colours beneath itAnd all you need to do is remember that vibrance

-Shriharshith Keshav