A Silent Scream *MCR fanfic*

14

Blinking blearily, I pulled myself into a sitting position, and, upon seeing the outline of someone by the wall, panicked and fell off the bed. The jolt awoke me enough so that I realized it was simply Gerard. Now grumpy and awake, the anger I felt yesterday flooded back into me and I snapped,

"What are you in here for?"

"My clothes. Sorry I woke you." I didn't respond, and as soon as he left it registers that any venom that had been in his voice was gone. It had been replaced by emptiness, with just a drop of sadness. I knew I should've felt a course of regret or sympathy or really just anything flow through me, but I remained simply sleepy and slightly irritated. 

I decided, after thinking for a minute or so, that I really didn't want to have a big argument with Gerard. However, it was plain to see that if I continued being around him, that was going to happen. So, steering clear of him for awhile might do the trick. Then again, it might just push the wedge even further into our relationship. Thinking around in circles wouldn't help me. A few more minutes and I accepted that I wasn't going to be able to avoid a fight with Gerard, but I didn't want to start the fight either. So I decided to just wait for him to do something dumb enough to warrant a fight. There was still a million and one fucking problems with this plan, but I could fix them later. I just rolled over and go back to sleep, knowing that Donna would make sure I was awake before she leaves.

***

I didn't even know what was happening, but I was on the floor and feeling well-rested. Neither of which are how I'd normally been recently. Plus, Donna was nowhere to be seen. I glanced at the clock. 12:00. Fuck. At this point, there wasn't really any point in going to school.  So I took a long shower and took my time getting dressed, applying makeup, and all that.

I was munching on a bagel when I vaguely heard a door open. I wasn't paying the real world too much attention until something was set down right before me. I focused on the object, and recognized it as purple hair-dye. I turned and found Gerard and jokingly stated,

"I don't think purple is really your color, Gerard."

"Cut the crap. I know that you're mad, and I know we have to fight, but...Your hair looks so shitty and faded that I cannot stand it. So, before we fight can I please touch up your hair?" I didn't bother trying to hide my amusement at his wording and practically tackled him in a hug. I spoke against his chest,

"I've really missed you Gee. Never do that again, okay? I'm really gonna mess one or both of us up during this fight but I just want you to know that I really care about you, okay?" I could feel his smile and pulled out of the hug, exclaiming,

"Let's go fix my hair!"

"Ok. Go change into clothes you don't like. And they can not be mine." I dashed back up to my room and switched into some too big black leggings and a stained white tank top, then headed back into the bathroom, where Gerard had everything set up and ready. I sat down and he got to work on my hair. It's silent, the awkwardness from our upcoming fight seemed to be coming back in time and affecting us now. Wonderful. I forced myself to zone out.

***

An angry voice jerked me back into the real world. My hair was wet, so he'd just finished rinsing the dye out.

"More? Seriously?"

"What?"

I realized that Gerard was holding my arm gently. Then I remembered that that particular arm was covered in fresh red cuts, still angry-red and glaring up at the world. Internally, a flow of curse words zipped through my head. I looked at Gerard and asked, making sure to keep my voice even,

"Something wrong?"

"Didn't I tell you that I never wanted you to do that again?"

"Yeah. Didn't I tell you that you were an asshole and a hypocrite?"

"What, so you did it even more? Why? Just to piss me off?"

"No. I did it because my life has been falling apart recently, and another one of the threads holding me together left because he couldn't just get over himself and take some pills!"

"You don't know my reasons. They're real, but I only share them with people I care about."

"Who, yourself? You might want to add self-centered egotist to that list of how fucked up you are Gerard!"

"You only know half the list. Don't mock me."

"Then don't try to control me. I can do what I want."

"Really? here I thought you were still underage, and completely disrespecting the family that took you in and cares for you without ever asking for any money or anything in return?" That one stung. I was always insecure about being a burden to people.

"Do you want me to leave? Because I could. I could leave and let my 'venom' make you go entirely batshit insane. I mean, it would hardly be a difference." At this point we were both standing, and just screaming at each other. This wasn't gonna be something an apology could fix. He'd crossed a line, and I'd crossed like, three. Apparently, three lines crossed was enough for him to drop his mask. This mask-drop was the first time I'd ever been afraid of Gerard. His face was contorted with pure fury, nothing else. He looked truly insane. Like a murderer. But this time, the mask didn't come back. He stopped screaming, instead speaking in a harsh, icy whisper.

"I could kill you right now. Strangle you with the towel until you pass out. Go downstairs, get a knife. I'd cut you into lots of little pieces. makes the body easier to hide. Put some of you in the river. In some person's garbage can across town. Bury you in a cemetery. nobody ever looks for fresh bodies in cemetery. Besides. There wouldn't be anyone to notice you missing."

During his little speech he'd walked towards me until I was trapped against the wall. I'd never been this scared before. Normally I wouldn't have been, except that the Gerard I'd known seemed to be gone.

"Don't worry though. I'm not going to."

"W-why not?"

"Why not? Because. Well, because-" Before I could even register what was happening his lips were pressed against mine, one hand on my face, the other brushing against my waist. If he hadn't just threatened to murder me in a very detailed way, I would've melted. Unfortunately for him, he had just done exactly that. So I pushed him away, a bit more violently than I meant to.

I couldn't think straight. My head was swirling and honestly, so was my vision. Still, I bolted downstairs and out the front door, grabbing the car keys on my way out. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I needed to get away from Gerard.

By the time he had reached the doorway, I was already driving away.