that summer

"had"

"You have a wife?" I asked him, surprised to hear that I sounded hurt.

Toji sighed, looking away "I said HAD."

"So, what do you mean? You're divorced now?" I had so many questions "When did you even get married? Who is it?" Then I felt like crossing a boundary. Was I even allowed to ask him those questions?

I sat on the bed, pulling the blanket up to my chest. Then he did the same. 

"Do you want me to tell you the story?" weirdly he was smiling. He sounded calm.

I nodded "If you want to." I didn't know how to act. He was no one to me. Yet it was hard not to sound offended by the fact that he had a wife.

"I got married the end of last year," he said "to the daughter of one of my mother's acquaintance. I've never met her until a month before we got married. One day she just came to the house and father told me to marry her."

I listened to his every-word with total focus. I still could not believe what I was hearing. 

I asked, after knowing that he's not going to continue, "And where is she now? Why aren't you with her?"

He sighed. A long and hard one. It was obvious that it's something he doesn't want to talk about. But I believe he owed me the explanation. 

"She died."

I felt a lump in my throat. My chest felt like it's been hit hard. But Toji's face was unchanging. His side profile was all I could see. For a second though, I thought I saw his jaw clenched a bit. I didn't know what to say. 

"Oh. I'm sorry, Toji."

"Hmm." he said. "She died shortly after giving birth."

Giving birth I repeated his words inside my head. That means he has a child?

"You have a child?" I asked.

"He's been living with my parents. I don't see him very much." Toji said. Only then, turning his head to finally look at me as he was speaking "I'm not good with kids anyway." He smiled.

That was a lot of information to get in just a few minutes. At that moment I was just blurting out anything that came across my mind. 

"How could you do that? He's your son," I gave him a stare. "You should be with him."

"My parents didn't agree that I care for him anyway." he snorted. "They took him under their wings immediately after she died."

I chuckled sarcastically "To be raised as another criminal in the business world I suppose."

Toji smiled. But I knew I was not helping the situation.

"Sorry" I said. "It just feels wrong."

A moment of silence. Then my thought came back to his wife.

"What about her?"

"What about her?"

I sighed, not knowing what to say to communicate my thought to him "Are you okay? I mean.. with her passing so soon in your marriage."

He shrugged. "People die everyday. It's fine."

The slight jealousy I felt turned into worry. It was hard to believe that Toji had a wife and he has a living breathing child. He's like... a father. 

"I don't get it. The marriage," I said "it was an arranged marriage? Do you love her? Then about having the child. Is it a plan?" I looked away trying to form words in my mouth "I just don't get it."

Toji didn't seem to have an answer to my confusion. "Love," he chuckled "No one really knows what that means anyway." he scratched the back of his head "Then about the child, I guess things just happens sometimes. That day after I left your dorm," he continued "I don't even remember what I did after that. Things just happened."

"Hmm"

"My focus after that summer has been my business. That's it. The marriage, the child, they just happened." he said.

The silence that followed after was cold. I could still hear the wind and the sound of cars passing by. By then it was almost four in the morning. 

"What's his name?" I asked "Your son. What's his name?"

"Hmm. I forgot."

I slapped his arm "Toji! Are you kidding me?"

He laughed. 

After that I took out my phone from my bag and got dressed quickly. 

"I need to go home." I said "I have to be at work in like three hours."

Then Toji got up and went into the bathroom. When he got out he was fully dressed "Let's go. I'm gonna drive you home."

-

"Y/N, did you get dinner with that guys last night?" Nanami asked as we were stocking up new books on the store. 

I nodded "Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing. I'm just making small talks." he said flatly.

I chuckled "Alright then continue the small talk. If you' re going to start one,"

"I can't think of anything else." he said. 

I saw a little smile on his face "Why are you making small talk anyways?"

"You told me once that sometimes we can do that with customers. It'll make them feel more welcome and warm." he said, then coughing from the dust flying into his nose.

I covered my mouth and nose with my hand "We need to clean this bookcase."

"I clean it everyday." Nanami said "It's strange that it gets dirty everyday. It was just this morning that I cleaned it."

For a moment we were busy with all the books and all the dust. Then Nanami asked me again.

"How was the date?" he said.

I chuckled "I like you better without the small talks Nanami." 

"Well I'm practicing." he said "You can't expect someone to be good at something instantly."

"Fine," I said "The date was great until my date revealed that he had a wife and that he has a son."

Nanami went quiet. He avoided my eyes and his hands continued his work.

"C'mon." I chuckled " You have to be able to respond. You never know what kind of day your customer is having. They might just got through a divorce, kicked out of their job, whatever the case."

"Hmm," Nanami sounded like he was genuinely thinking hard "Are you just going to give me random scenarios? Is this a random scenario?"

I smiled, looking back at the spines of the books I just arranged. "Yes, Nanami."

"Well," he started "I think I should say. "I'm sorry to heart that,""

"Good," I said "Try to sound more sympathetic though."

He sighed hard.