Mended

4

Ethan's POV

Panic seized my chest so tightly that it took effort to breathe as I flew through the blurry streets. Everything burned; my chest, my lungs, my heart, my goddamn mind.

My battered knuckles whitened from how tightly I had them clenched around the steering wheel, the slight throbbing ache nothing compared to the storm that was ravaging through my mind. Pressure snaked around my throat, clutching my body in its vice-like grip as I tried my best to let the adrenaline take over. This was supposed to help—it usually did—but right now, it wasn't.

Nothing was fucking helping because everything was ruined now.

The approaching stoplight turned yellow, yet I made no effort to stop. Instead, I pressed down harder on the gas and sped right through the intersection just as the light turned red. My heart thrashed around in my ribcage, yet this time, it wasn't the adrenaline causing the palpations.

Fear.

I was fucking terrified and I could count on one hand how many times I'd been this afraid in my life.

Izzy's face flashed through my mind as I made a swift turn, my tires skidding from the speed I was driving at. Something in my chest constricted as I remembered the tears in her eyes when I'd snapped at her. As I remembered the worry on brothers' faces as they tried to get me to open up to them.

I want to, I had wanted to shout the words at them. I want to tell you guys everything but I can't.

I wanted to open up to them. I wanted to tell them because for the first time in my life, I truly felt like I needed someone's help, yet I couldn't because they had moved on.

They were doing so well with their lives.

Izzy was thriving in ways I'd never believed she would. She had friends who deserved her, she was working, she was doing good in her classes and she was genuinely happy. She didn't have to say it because she glowed different now.

I'd never seen her so fucking happy. How could I possibly ruin that by telling her what I'd done after everything she'd endured?

Caleb was healthy. His recovery hadn't been linear and the fear of the cancer coming back always lingered in the back of our minds, but he was genuinely doing well now—mentally and physically.

My little brother had gone through enough. I'd be damned if I put him through anything else.

Kaiden had changed. He'd gotten his life back after having dealt with all the lies and betrayal we'd thrown his way. He'd started to trust again and he had learned how to deal with his feelings in healthier ways. The life that he and Elijah had been forced into had ruined him, and I knew that he didn't miss anything about it.

I wouldn't put him back in that place. If he knew what I'd gotten myself into, he'd dive in headfirst just to make sure I was out of harm's way.

And Elijah?

He was finally living for himself.

He had a family now; a three-year-old daughter and a girlfriend who I soon believed would become more. He was successful in ways that didn't involve having blood on his hands, and the responsibilities he'd been forced to carry in the past no longer weighed down on his shoulders as heavily as they used to.