Mended

33

Izzy's POV

The guilt that consumed me was like a physical entity in itself, following me around everywhere I went. The walls of my home felt like they were constantly closing in on me, never allowing me a moment of peace even in a place that I'd always considered my safe haven.

I knew I needed to talk to Julian and confess what had almost happened, but I didn't have the strength to. Not yet.

Sydney snapped her fingers in front of my face and I blinked, snapping out of the trance I'd fallen into for the millionth time ever since she'd forced me to sit down and watch a feel good movie with her.

"Have I been talking to myself for the past five minutes?" She questioned, raising her perfectly sculpted eyebrows at me.

I exhaled deeply and let my head fall back against the couch, briefly closing my eyes. "I'm sorry," I murmured. "I just keep thinking about— " I broke off, unable to finish. Although, I didn't need to anyways because Sydney was updated on everything that was happening in my life. I'd woken her up in the middle of the night because I'd been unable to sleep under the weight of all the burdens I was carrying. It was always suffocating, but it was so much worse at night when I was alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

Sydney sighed. "I know," she said, her voice softening. She reached for my hand that rested on top of the blanket we shared. "It's okay."

I folded my legs against my chest and wrapped my arms around them, placing my chin on top of my knees. Sydney's patient gaze bore into the side of my face, waiting for me to express whatever it was that was tormenting me. "Nothing happened, but I know that if the roles were reversed, I'd be heartbroken, Sydney," I whispered, my chest aching as I took another shaky breath. "If Julian had almost done what I did—I don't know if I'd ever be able to get past it. That's why I don't want to tell him because what if he never forgives me? What if he..." leaves?

Agony slashed through me at the thought. I hugged myself tighter, burying my face against my legs.

Sydney was silent for a few moments. "But you would want to know, wouldn't you?" She asked quietly. "No matter how much it would hurt, you'd still want to know. He deserves to know, Iz."

She was right. My throat began to burn as I held back tears. What had I done? "I'm scared," I admitted. "I can't face him."

Sydney shifted closer to me on the couch, throwing her arm across my shoulder. I leaned into her embrace, needing the comfort she was providing. "I know it's hard, but the longer you put it off, Izzy, the worse it will be." She paused. "Plus, you stopped, remember? You stopped. You weren't thinking straight because of everything that's going on these days. If you explain that to him, he will understand, Izzy. He loves you too much to not."

"I don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses," I choked out, my voice trembling as I suppressed the breakdown I could feel was hovering ahead of me. "I messed up and I need to own it."

Sydney sighed and rested the side of her head against my own, both of us silent because there was truly nothing else that could be said. Anything she told me in an effort to comfort me would prove meaningless because at the end of the day, my own mind always triumphed over everyone else's.

My eyes dropped down to my phone which was currently resting on the coffee table in front of us. Slowly pulling away from Sydney, I reached for the device with a quivering hand.

"Should I ask him if he could come over or should I go to his?" I rasped, glancing at her.

Sydney studied me thoughtfully, her eyes flashing to the phone. "Maybe you could meet somewhere outside?" She offered and I considered the idea, my mind wracking through all the options.