Jester (Man x Man) ✔

21) n i g h t m a r e s

"Benjamin, I'm so sorry." Eli sat up, staring at Benjamin with pained eyes. He felt like the room was spinning and the entire situation was so surreal. Like a nightmare he didn't want to wake up to.

"I think I cheated on you."

"Say something, please." Eli begged. Benjamin just laid there, leaning on his elbows and staring in front of him with blank eyes. His skin was drained from color and breathing shallow. Only when Eli reached his hand to touch Benjamin, he seemed to awake from his daze.

"I need to go to work." He said tonelessly, striking away Eli's hand. Benjamin got up and started dressing up, not once meeting Eli's gaze.

"Benjamin?" Eli breathed, feeling frightened and out of place.

"No. Just no." Benjamin shook his head, grabbed his keys and walked out of the door. When he was gone, all Eli could hear was the beating of his heart. Then he was already stumbling on his feet, almost tripping over the cover that was laying on the floor and ran to the bathroom. 

Eli laid on the cold ceramic tiles, thirsty but too weak and nauseated to get up. His head was throbbing and his muscles aching. The lights were off, from which he was grateful. He promised himself never to drink again, and had a feeling that this time the hangover was actually going to be the end of him. A big part of him hoped it was.

Yet all that time Eli couldn't connect with the reality of what he had done and that after that day there wouldn't be Benjamin and him anymore.

••••

"Are you alive?" When Eli opened his eyes, Benjamin was standing by the bathroom door. His hands were crossed over his chest and the look on his face was cold and distant. Eli sat up, closing his eyes when the room started to swirl.

"I'll.. I'll leave once I'm feeling better." Eli mumbled, his eyes still firmly shut.

"Was he good?" Benjamin asked, his voice filled with built up anger and resentment. 

"I don't know." Eli opened his eyes.

"You don't know?" Benjamin's voice started to raise.

"I'm sorry." Eli tried again.

"It was the only thing I told you never to do to me. The only thing. And you fucking did it anyway? Why?" Benjamin accosted. He sounded like someone had just ripped his heart off his chest.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I'll pack my things and leave as soon as I can." Eli promised. He could feel something warm and wet on his cheeks, but he didn't realize he was crying.

"I don't want you to leave. I just want to know why you did it." There was no hesitation in Benjamin's voice, it was like he had already thought everything through. 

Eli closed his eyes, trying to recall the previous night. He remembered talking with Ash. Then Logan had said something about not having anything to offer for him. Eli had started talking with some guy who had been wearing an expensive looking suit and a golden Rolex. It had been a fun evening, but he had ended up drinking too much and one thing had led to another. 

"For money. I think." Eli muttered before another wave of nausea hit him and he threw up again. 

"You were paid for sex, are you kidding me right now?" Benjamin was laughing almost hysterically and his eyes filled with tears.

"I'll go." Eli stumbled up from the floor, trying to walk past Benjamin. 

"No. I already said no. I don't want you to go." Benjamin placed his palm in the middle of Eli's chest.

"Benjamin, I don't think.." ..there's a way for us to fix what I've broken.

"End your rental contract, you're moving in with me." Benjamin demanded.

"This is hardly the time —" Eli began.

"You needed money for rent, right?" Benjamin asked and as soon as Eli nodded, he continued: "You cheated on me to pay for an apartment you don't need, so if I'm going to try to see whether I can move past this, I need you to get rid of it. End the contract."

"What?" Eli's head was spinning when he stared at Benjamin blankly.

"We're not breaking up. I'm going to try to forgive you, okay?" Benjamin explained composedly, his hand still on Eli's chest.

"Okay." Eli breathed. 

"But you're sleeping on the couch." Benjamin continued and turned to walk away from the bathroom.

••••

It felt like the room temperature had decreased to a point where Eli could feel chills running up and down his spine. He wasn't physically cold, but his soul was freezing, and although he was in the same room with Benjamin, he had never felt more isolated. 

Eli was sitting on the floor, while they watched some old thriller, and for the first time Benjamin didn't tell him to move to the couch. They had eaten without a word and Eli had had to force down every forkful. Benjamin had been avoiding Eli's gaze the entire time, like he couldn't even bear to see his face — but he still wanted Eli to stay.

In a way it would have been better if Benjamin had just shouted at him and showed him the door. It was the coldness and the deep resentment that felt like someone was twisting a knife through his heart. It was the guilt and knowing he had broken Benjamin's trust that made Eli feel like he was suffocating.

Yet he felt like a part of him, the one that was actually present in the moments of his life, had been torn away from him. Eli couldn't shake the feeling that something indispensable was missing, and that that was the reason he was feeling like he did. Detached. Empty. Hollow.

When he opened his eyes, the room was dark. Benjamin was gone and the TV switched off. Eli was curled up on the floor in between the coffee table and the couch. His neck was so stiff he could barely move his head and even the slightest movement caused a stabbing pain in his temples and between his eyebrows. 

Eli got up to get himself a painkiller and a glass of water. He could hear Benjamin sniffling in the bedroom, but how could he have gone to him when he was the reason he was hurt like that? 

Eli tiptoed to get his leather jacket and then proceeded to the balcony. When he started fumbling the pockets of his jacket for cigarettes, he found a stack of hundred- and fifty-dollar bills. So he didn't have to worry about money anymore, but the realization didn't really make him feel any better.

Benjamin would never forgive him for what he had done. And this, trying to fix the rift between them by telling Eli to stay, was only going to smother what was left of them. The worst of all was that Eli could blame no one but himself; he had ripped them apart with his own little hands. He had stirred up the nightmare.