Alone

H

TW c*tting,schizophrenia, depression.

Next day.

They will be....happy.

I woke up in daze feeling light headed, yawning getting out of bed putting on a set of joggers before going downstairs to be met with everyone doing something they didn't even acknowledge my presence like I was invisible.

The day went on as I kept cutting into I felt satisfied feeling a very sharp sting and pinch of the shar blade riding against my skin piercing it as small drops of blood drip down my writs towards the palm of my hand it felt.....pain-less felt like......nothing but it still hurt not the stinging tingle coming from my wrist but my heart.

They will never love you Joshua just admit it out loud that they never love you they never care why do you think your so ugly and your a pig you can't dance and your voice is horrible.

The voice says while Joshua just listened not caring he felt sick to his stomach again rushing to the bathroom to make himself puke it was a daily thing now.

I flushed the toliet again.....satisfied I look up in the mirror I look dead I told myself

"You would actually be if you'll just cut deep-."

Joshua soon heard a knock and slightly panicked he opened the door to be met with Seungcheol.

"Hey you okay." Seungcheol asked.

"Y-Yeah I'm fine." Joshua says.

"Look I'm sorry about yesterday I didn't mean to lash out on you I was just upset." Seungcheol says in guilt.

"It's fine it's not your fault." Joshua says.

"No it wasn't very leader of me to say those things." Seungcheol says.

"No it's fine-."

"I said what I said Joshua." Seungcheol says and Joshua nodded.

"We're going out for our last day of going back to that hell hole so be ready in an hour." Seungcheol says, and Joshua nodded and watched Seungcheol leave.

He sighed as he laid against his pillow.

Your so selfish you only think of yourself you remember how you pushed Chan he was hurt because of your selfishness you idiot!.

Joshua cried again the bags in his eyes becoming visible his body became so skinny he looks so fragile anyone could tell.

(I feel so bad literally I could cry myself a/n-.)

Joshua have gotten ready he was honestly scared remembering the cuts on his legs what if he get caught he thought deeply about a plan to stay.

As he was making his way downstairs to see everyone packed and ready to go except him.

"Um S-Seungcheol." Joshua called out quietly everyone's attention on him.

"C-Can I speak to you a-alone." Joshua says Seungcheol gave him a small smile and agreed walking away with him.

"Are you not going out with us?." Seungcheol asked.

"Um that's what Iv been wanting to talk about.

"I don't feel to good." Joshua says.

"O-Oh how bad are you feeling." Seungcheol asked.

"Bad." Joshua says.

"Look just stay close with me okay you will be fine I promise." Seungcheol says patting Joshua's hair, Joshua smiled at the feeling he haven't had in a while that made Seungcheol smile to, he haven't seen Joshua smile in a while it was good remembering how badly he been treating joshua he felt terrible.

"Okay go get ready for me okay." Seungcheol says with a small smile.

Joshua nodded and left to go, Seungcheol sighed before going back to the others.

"What's up with Joshua." Jeonghan asked curiously.

"He said he weren't feelings well so I offered to take care of him." Seungcheol says.

Jeonghan nodded going back to talking to the others.

Joshua came back dressed differently wearing light jeans that were a bit wrinkly and a navy blue hoodie.

Surprisingly Joshua finally was sitting next to someone today although It wasnt how it use to be like when seokmin would act stupid and play around and hoshi going along with his joked and Chan and seungkwan arguing as usual and me jeonghan and wonwoo playing video games woozi listening to music seungcheol and mingyu also quarreling and jun and minghao and vernon in their own little world.

I release a sigh as millions of thoughts ranned through my head as Its his first time this week of going out with the members. Tsk you think your special because he told you to stay close to him remember he still hates you and the rest of them!. Maybe they do hate me maybe the voice is right they might actually hate me.

"Were here! Remember you all have to be back around 8 oclock you guys have practice and Its really important tomorrow so have your fun now but tomorrow and the rest of these 2 weeks you guys are gonna be really busy."

Everyone nodded and slowly started to head out of the van, I started to feel nausea out of nowhere I wanted to tell seungcheol but he was already upfront with the guys, I didnt want to bother him, he already thinks im disgusting maybe he didnt even care, the voice is right.....finally getting some sense in that stupid brain of yours, your so disgusting you need to lose that fat I guarantee you would be looking better just throw up one more time. The voice In my head ringed telling me over and over again that I was nothing to my members that In order for me to look handsome I had to lose weight and go on diets.

"Hey hyung were going Inside this resturant and then were gonna go karaoke." Minghao said giving him a small smile, It warmed his heart seeing that smile he couldn't see these past weeks but now seeing It again made him feel happy In that moment.

As we walk Inside the resturant It wasnt so pack infact It seems as if It was already prepared for us It was 13 chairs and big table filled with menus, as everyone sat down I ofcourse sat at the very end with seungcheol but noticing Jeonghan wanting that spot and seemed like he felt pretty annoyed that I took the spot next to seungcheol, but I didnt budge, after I sat down I felt immediately weak, my stomach started to ache my head started to hurt, In that very moment I just wanted to sleep.
Maybe forever.