𝕆ℕ 𝔸 𝔻𝕀𝔽𝔽𝔼ℝ𝔼ℕ𝕋 𝕊ℍ𝕆ℝ𝔼

20

Y/N knew that there was little to no hope. She knew it. Yami hadn't come home that day and also not the day after. It had been weeks now and he still hadn't come home. Y/N knew he was dead. She just knew it. But she was nowhere near ready to accept it. She wasn't really sure why. She was certain that no one would be able to survive that kind of storm, especially if they didn't turn up for weeks after.

But the thing was that there was nothing else found. No one had found a dead body, no one had found pieces of the ship, nothing. There were plenty of pieces of driftwood washed ashore and plenty of dead bodies, too. But none of them were Yami and none of them belonged to his ship. It was weird. Y/N would have thought that at least some pieces of the ship would drift all the way back to shore, but maybe he had been too far out for that. Maybe they had been crushed into such small pieces that it was impossible to find them now, after the storm.

Either way, Y/N found it difficult to let go. She found it difficult to let go of Yami, of the idea that Yami might still be alive and that he might just be stranded somewhere without any way of getting home. She liked the idea of it, but she knew it wasn't a feasible idea to entertain. The longer it took the less hope there was for all of this ending well. Y/N had cried the first few days, because she was convinced that Yami was dead and that it was only a matter of time until they'd find his body, but then this idea that he might still be alive had started to stick in her mind.

She knew that it was very unlikely of course and she knew that she was probably delusional to expect Yami to still turn up at some time, but what if he was alive out there somewhere? Y/N didn't even know what thought she found more difficult to deal with - that he was dead or that he was still alive, stranded somewhere. Both options were doing her head in and she had no idea what to believe.

But still, life went on. It had to go on. She had gotten off with paying less rent for that month, because the landlady had felt bad for her, but she wouldn't get special treatment again. A lot of people died in that storm and everyone had to deal with it somehow. There were many women that would go down to the beach every day and look for the bodies of their husbands or sons. Sometimes one would be found and there was a piercing scream. After a while Y/N was one of the few that was left waiting.

She started going back out fishing, just because she needed the money. At least now she wasn't scared anymore. What was the worst that could happen? She'd die and then what? She wouldn't have to return back home where she would always wonder whether Yami was alive or not, where she'd have to live with the uncertainty. For a while she resented him for just disappearing, just vanishing, without anyone being sure what had happened to him, but she soon made her peace with it. Over time every little pain just seemed to dull. It never went away, but it dulled.

There were some things that weren't helpful, like a lot of the other women pitying her. Of course everyone knew that her and Yami were a thing and they all seemed to have nothing but pity for her. Y/N hated it. She just wanted to be left alone most of the time, so she could grieve in peace, but she rarely had time to herself. She had to work much more again to feed her siblings, when she came home her siblings were there and she put on a brave face for them and whenever she left the house there were people that were trying to talk to her and comfort her.

The only times when she was actually alone and got some time to herself were at night, when she couldn't sleep. It happened much more often that she just couldn't fall asleep. Once her siblings had gone to bed, Y/N would sneak out and sit by the beach, just staring out at the sea, maybe hoping to see any sign of Yami. Maybe he would make it back home somehow, maybe she would see a body floating on the waves - anything would be better at this point, than all this uncertainty.

She often imagined that he maybe survived and found a way to get back to her. She imagined how he'd come back home, knock on her door and surprise her. There was nothing that she wanted more. But it never happened. Weeks passed by, months and there was another summer and still no trace of Yami. Y/N had been looking forward to summer, but she couldn't seem to enjoy it once it was there. Everything reminded her of him, every little thing and it was haunting her.

A lot of the girls that had lost their husbands were starting to find someone new, getting married again. A lot of them married again quickly, because they needed someone to take care of the children, they needed someone to help them survive. Y/N didn't need to find anyone else right now. She had survived before, she'd survive now as well. She'd make it work somehow. But she was very aware of all the stares she was getting. She was still alone, she was still not over Yami and they weren't even married or had kids or anything like that.

Y/N just ignored it. Or rather she did her best to ignore it. There were times when she debated whether she should just take the boat and sail towards the horizon, just to see where she'd end up and whether she might find Yami there. If she didn't find him, then she could have a completely new start, somewhere where no one knew her and where she had no history. She had done the same after her parents died in that accident, so why not now? She was good at running away.

But that wasn't feasible. Who knew where she'd end up? Or whether she'd end up anywhere at all. No one really knew what was beyond all of that ocean that was stretching out in front of them. No one knew whether there was anything at all. And if there was something... some strange foreign lands, then it would probably be difficult to live there. To find work there. Y/N would assume that they maybe spoke a different language, looked different. It would be anything but easy. And it was already hard enough right now. It was a stupid idea anyway, there was no point.

It had almost been a year since Yami had disappeared when his parents offered for her to move into the house. It meant they probably had given up hope for Yami to ever get back to them and they had room. They knew that her and Yami had been close, so it seemed like a logical choice. Especially since they didn't have a child that would take care of them in old age anymore.

It was the perfect setup. Y/N would have a free place to live and she could use the money she made to send her siblings to school. Yami's parents had someone that could take over the family business and that could take care of them when they got older. Plus, Y/N enjoyed spending time with them, even though they reminded her a lot of Yami. She liked their rough accents and the stories they told and how lively the house was with her and her siblings living there.

And over time things were starting to get easier. She didn't forget about Yami, but she could remember the good times instead of worrying about him. When she thought that he might still be alive she was starting to hope that maybe he had found a place wherever he was now - maybe some line of work that wasn't as hard and ungrateful as fishing. That he had found people he cared about, maybe even another girl. As long as he was happy, that was enough for Y/N.

The topic of her marrying came up a few times, but she had no desire to get married. Yami was the only one she could have imagined marrying. She met a lot of young men, working out at sea and drinking in the taverns, but none of them seemed to be just the right person for her. She didn't mind. She didn't mind staying alone for the rest of her life. Who knew? Maybe Yami would come back some day and they'd still be able to get married. She knew it was unlikely, but she still wanted to wait for him. A lot of people didn't agree with that and she knew some people in the town were talking about her because of it, but she didn't care. She had made her decision.

And so the years went by - her siblings grew up, she made friends and her friends got married and she was still alone, fishing and taking care of Yami's parents. People didn't really feel the need to make her prove herself anymore. Most had just accepted that she was the way she was and that she wasn't willing to change unless it was on her own terms and Y/N thought that that was what gave her peace more than anything else. That people accepted her as she was.

And sometimes, especially on mild summer nights she'd sit out by the beach, watching the waves crash on the shore or looking up at the stars. And she'd think of Yami. After a while she started talking to him, in her mind at first. But soon she started whispering out the words and then she said them out loud while she was pacing the beach barefoot, feeling the sand under her toes and the waves reaching for her, as if they wanted to carry her away, too. She liked to think that maybe Yami could hear her, wherever he was. Whether he was dead or whether he was in some far away land.