Among the Asgardians (deleted scenes)

Monster

This is inspired by the very last scene Loki has in Goddess of Love, when he's crying because Kathryn has rejected him. The scene itself takes place in his cell after he has once again been reimprisoned in Asgard, following his second attempt to conquor Earth and is all about the pain and remorse he feels.

He screams a feral scream as he looks in the mirror, his eyes red and bloodshot, his black hair lank and unkempt. He does not even recognize who he is, and right now he simply doesn’t want to. The pain from the cuts on his hands sting, but he blindly screams, studying how his face changes, how far he really has fallen.

He falls to the floor, overcome with grief, tears mingling with the blood from small cuts on his face, making it look like he’s crying tears of blood. In his mind, he no longer sees himself as the victim. He sees himself exactly for what he is: a monster. Only monsters attempt to wipe out entire cities. Only monsters try to wipe out an entire species. Three times. Only monsters stab their own brother in the side as he is trying to help them. Only monsters have blue skin.

He stretches his bleeding hand out in front of him, inspecting it carefully as it turns blue slowly, designs appearing on his skin: marks of royalty, meaningless now. He is king of a fallen world, a world he helped destroy. He in his infinite stupidity! Earth was never meant to be his domain, and neither was Asgard. He has always belonged in Jotunheim, realm of monsters just like him.

He wants to die. He wants to die more than he wants anything else at this moment, wants to leave this world of pain behind and wake up in Valhalla. But Valhalla is no place for a monster. No. He’ll go to Hel, where his own daughter will cast him into a pit of eternal damnation. The look of pain in her eyes is the only reason he clings to life.

And also because of her. He clings to life because he knows that if he dies, he’ll never see her beautiful, purple eyes again. Knows he’ll never feel her warm embrace, never feel her soft lips on his, never hold her body flush with his again. Never marry her as he once longed to do, not that she’d marry him now anyway. He’s too much of a monster for that.

Her face is the only thing that keeps him sane and knowing who he is. She was the only one who ever had faith in him, the one thing that kept him going in the past when he had lost all hope. Now she, too, has abandoned him. Abandoned him for another, one who is all he aspires to be: selfless, strong, handsome, brave, and honest. He is none of those things, not by Asgardian standards although some of Earth’s women find him attractive. He is too small to be handsome as a Frost Giant. He is too odd to be handsome as an Asgardian. Now, even the love of the one he craved is snatched from him, so all he can do is moan and sob.

He sobs for the pain he caused her. Sobs for her newfound, justifiable hatred of him. Sobs for the life he could have had with her, which has been snatched from his fingers like food from a starving man. It is cruel. Unfair. And somehow, he knows it is his own fault.

He lies on the floor of his cell and cries until there are no more tears left in his body.