Drowned but Not Out

Chapter 13

TW: suicidal thoughts

"Hey, Meredith? Did you want any lun- Stop, Mer! It's okay! Come here. That's it, relax into me."

Derek sprung into action as he walked into their shared bedroom, only to see Meredith was experiencing one of her more violent tics. She was hitting her chest with a fist, she must have been doing it for a while as there was a red mark forming.

"D-der! Make it *tut* stop!" Meredith sobbed.

With Derek behind her, he wraps his arms around her and blocks her from doing any further harm to herself.

God, this is horrible. I wish I had died. I hate what is happening to myself now. Derek probably hates me too because of how much of a burden I'm becoming.

When Derek could feel Meredith relax under his grip, he let go but Meredith remained in place instead of shifting away. She sighed heavily and turned her head to face him.

"Thank you.. t-that was h-helpful." Meredith blinks several times when she finishes talking. She stands up to reach for one of Derek's jackets, since she's feeling the cold again.

"Meredith, you understand why you have these tics don't you? It's the same as why you can't regulate your temperature. It's all from that day, the bathtub and the ferry boat accident. Your brain was starved of oxygen for too long."

"S-shut *tut* up! Shut shut shut up! Ducks! I-I'm f-fine! D-Derek, leave *tut* me a-alone!" Meredith kept blinking and slapping her hands down on her bed as she spoke.

Defeated, Derek chose to give Meredith some space and went downstairs. He decided to ring Bailey and see what she thought of the situation.

I hate this. I hate how the last, what, week has caused. Why couldn't Derek just leave me to drown in the bathtub? Or, just let me sink at the bottom of the sound.

I'm not stupid. I'm still a doctor. I was experiencing oxygen deprivation before the ferryboat accident because I couldn't regulate my temperature or my breathing all day but afterwards, it's just gotten so much worse. Between the stuttering, the tics, temperature disturbances and my crappy mood, I really don't know how much more I can take.

Less than 20 minutes after he went downstairs, Derek came back to their bedroom.

"Hey, Mer? I bought you something and it's just arrived, I thought it might help you."

Meredith breathes in deeply, feeling slightly overwhelmed by Derek's constant presence lately.

"W-what is it?!"

"It's a weighted blanket. It's to provide deep muscle pressure.. you know like when I hug you when you're having a tic attack. Maybe it'll help."

Meredith scoffs, "G-great, so n-now I n-need -" *tut* *tut*

"Meredith, this might help. Please, you really hurt yourself this morning. You even asked me to help stop it."

Damn, he has me there.

Meredith nods, accepting that she won't win any argument over this right now. She thanks Derek, and pulls it over her shoulders as she shivers slightly. Derek chuckles and grabs another blanket and brings it closer to her.

"Just in case you want it."

He kisses her forehead and walks out.

Again.

In and out. In and out. He is always around. Constantly. I know he says he loves me and he has to keep up that act and blah blah blah but does he really have to hoover quite so much?! My thoughts are suffocating my insides and Derek is suffocating me from the outside. I need to escape. I already tried to do that. I need to do something.

Meredith slips off the blanket from her shoulders and walks into the en-suite, she picks up her razor.

Meredith, stop. This is a bad idea.

We said that when we did it as teenagers. It didn't stop us then either.

Good point.

Just once.

She takes it apart so she's only holding the blade. Meredith jerks her head a few times and the frustration of her tics helps her decide that she definitely will do this. She makes one precise line across her arm.

--

Wait.. what's.. what's happening?

"Meredith, are you okay?"

Derek?

"Uh, yeah?"

"You've been in there for 15  minutes already, are you okay?" Derek's voice is laced with concern.

Meredith looks around and realises what's just happened. She must of had an absent seizure after cutting herself.

"Yeah, *tut* I'm f-fine. Just g-give me f-five Christmas Trees minutes!"

"Are you su-"

"DEREK, PLEASE!"

Meredith began to tidy her arm up and the floor as some blood had split onto it. It took her a little while as she still felt pretty woozy from the seizure.

When she finished, she slowly walked downstairs and sat next to Derek in the kitchen.

"Hey, what do you want for tea?"

"Hot pot?"

Meredith nods and even offers to help, she has a new sense of calm over her which comes from the stinging from her arm.

"Mer? Meredith?" Derek grabs her hand and squeezes. "Please, baby, come back."

"Huh, what?"

"Oh, thank god." He leans over and hugs her.

What is happening?

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"Uh, we agreed on a hotpot for tea."

"Baby, you started to grind your teeth a lot and ticcing, then you just stopped. You've been gone for about five minutes. You had an absent seizure."

Oh, that's just brilliant.

We hope you liked! Thanks to my co-writer natkat28