America the Poor: A Wanderers Tale, Vol Two

Chapter 30: My First Visitor arrives, along with my Tears

Tim wasn't talking to me, forgiveness was hard for him, and I understood this. His broken arm was completely my fault. Setting him off was what I had done, and I wish it had never happened, for both of us. I understood why he was this way, but I felt no guilt or remorse, and never really have. When he hit me, it was my doing, I had pushed him with my complete ignorance and stupidity. So after a few failed times trying to engage him, I decided to give him some space.

Eventually he was bound to have to deal with me, since we were on the same ward, but for now, I let him be. Tim needed space and time to think things through, and I did my best to give him both if I could.

Maybe I wasn't a 'good' guy after all, but I understood the concepts of "deserving" and its very opposite. I didn't feel guilt per se, I've never felt such a thing honestly, but I understood justice, and how some deserve certain things, or don't. Tim didn't deserve his broken arm, or the pain he endured, it was my fault, but neither did I deserve my own pain as well. We both suffered and paid a high price for the things that shouldn't have actually happened, but they did.

In all my life, I've never seen an example of "fairness" naturally happen on its own. I don't believe it exists in the Universe, and it's an enforced thing, but not really. We say we believe in it wholeheartedly, yet we demonstrate we really don't care about fairness in the pursuit of our own status, wealth and power. Enforcing fairness upon others is not even close to embracing fairness on your own, and in the consequences of one's own life. Nothing in our lives is truly fair. Neither the price Tim paid, nor my own, yet here we both were, suffering in our own sad ways.

The next morning at breakfast, I saw Tim slowly eating across the room, apparently his habits didn't change, he was still an early riser, though now he ate with one hand, with the other immobilized in a white cast. By an odd providence Jeff sat across from me at the bolted down steel table, chewing his food slowly, and very quiet.

Oddly enough, I decided to speak my peace first. "Jeff you did well, I really hoped you would get away, and I'm surprised you didn't, but I wanted you to"

Jeff looked up at me, though his eggs and sausage were far more obviously appealing visually, and he responded to me immediately, apparently eager to disclose what occurred out there. "I was missing a shoe., and I got kinda deep in the woods, but I knew someone would be behind me. I ran as hard as I could, and I ended up stepping on a rotten board with a nail. I fell over, and the pain was too much.

Hopefully they will give me a shot for infection. As I lay there, in pain, this asshole came upon me easily. Bad luck I guess, so he brought me back.

Fucking crazy isnt it, without this nail, I would be long gone, hopefully at a cousins house by now, and we wouldnt even be talking right now. Fuck that asshole, whats his name anyway?"

"His name is Andy, and he's been an asshole ever since I first saw him". I said this while sipping my tasteless coffee, looking at him with his bruised eye. I didn't have a plan or even the hint of one for vengeance, but I felt the rage, and the potential inside of me right then, talking to poor Jeff. He was robbed of his deserved victory, as we all were.

Must the system always win, and destroy hope I wondered? The seeds of evil and harm were inside of me, without regrets. I was rapidly learning to despise it all with the blackest feeling inside of me. Every aspect of the state system I was imprisoned in seemed to represent the darkest and worst part of human society.

Perspective may be the most powerful force on the living beings of this planet. There's nothing stronger. It motivates the natural beasts, friend or foe, food or enemy, something to be embraced, avoided, or destroyed. All living systems have their own perspectives, and these affect how they deal with the world around them.