Legions of unspoken affliction

Chapter 11 : shielded

Ever since he moved to Korea, he was able to have his own room. At first, he felt lonely and wanted Jay’s company. But now, he found himself fortunate to have his own room. Why?

After destroying almost everything in Sunoo’s room, which he left for Mr and Mrs Park to tidy, he brought home the box of polaroid Sunoo kept. He hung several of his and Sunoo’s photos up on the walls, which he would often stop to look at.

He continuously blames himself for the loss of Sunoo that it has completely affected his mental and psychical health. He was depressed at the beginning, followed by some self-harming. He knew he couldn’t do things that were obvious since the family would notice it easily. He has seen that people use blades to create wounds on themselves, to which they hid them by wearing long sleeves and long pants. However, he knew that it was wrong to do so, and the family would suspect something was up if he kept wearing long sleeves during the warm summer in Korea.

He knew his family cares deeply about him and wouldn’t want him to get hurt. He intends to get better without letting them figure out the problem. He tried hard to not think about it but from time to time, he would feel especially down without a reason. To make himself feel better, he would take hot baths that were hot enough to turn his skin red, then cool himself down with low-temperature water. It does make him feel a little better emotionally, but it makes him feel queasy whenever he does so.

Although Riki tried hard acting to be alright, as the family that loved him deeply, they were still able to notice something was off about the boy. They decided to let him be for the time being as they schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist.

They were able to get a slot that was a month away, but little did they know this one month will be able to deteriorate his mental health so rapidly.

Riki took the opportunity when no one was home, he heads to the kitchen and picked up a knife, stared at it. Considering taking his own life the way he took Sunoo’s. It was not that he wanted to die to be with Sunoo, it was more of him believing he didn’t deserve to live after killing someone he loved.

He pointed the knife to his own heart, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed the knife. However, he felt a force holding it back. It was his mother, pulling the knife away and tossing it aside.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!” She yelled as she held Riki’s face.

“Mama… I don’t want to live. I don’t deserve to, I killed Sunoo Hyung.”

“Riki, listen to me. You know your mistakes, you’ve made up for it. No one is upset with you, don’t do this to yourself.” She said in a calming tone.

“I booked an appointment with a doctor, remember the doctor that helped you get better the last time, this one will be almost the same. We’ll be with you alright? You don’t have to be scared or blame yourself, you’ll get better, okay?” She pulled the young boy into her chest and gently stroked his head.

In the day, Riki would try to get his act together to seem happy. He would play and study with Jay, not showing a slight bit of sadness. However, as night falls, all sorts of emotions he bottled up forces their way out. He breaks down at night and it has become a norm for him.
Unable to sleep, Riki decided to scroll through Instagram. Through his explore page, he noticed a familiar face. He tapped into the picture, and it was a lady named ‘Konon’.

“Is this…” He asked himself. Clicking into the profile to check out who she was.

Nishimura Konon

“I knew it.” He scrolled further and further down. It seems like they’ve been living happily without him. Although he felt satisfied knowing they are okay without him, there is still a part of him that misses his siblings. He thought back about how if he had never come to Korea, Sunoo wouldn’t have died. Thoughts flew in and out of his mind including the thought where he wanted to return and join his biological family.

“I deserve to be their slave, I don’t deserve such luxury. I belong there with them.” With that, he sent a private message to his sister, requesting for his return but as a slave, not a brother.

Konon left him on read, not because she doesn’t want to reply, but she couldn’t. Their mother monitors their social media accounts from time to time. If she found out her daughter has replied to her ‘disgraceful son’, a long lecture would be in turn for Konon.

Yes, she misses Riki, but she would never let him return to be abused physically and emotionally by their parents. She has grown up, although her action of leaving him on read and deleting the conversation may not be much, and may perhaps hurt Riki’s feelings, she knew this is the only way to keep him away. To keep him safe.