MewGulf oneshots book 2

Lost inside of me 💔

This fic will contain very sensitive topics
- still birth
- angst
- hurt
Please don't read if this can trigger you.

It will have a good ending eventually  ❤

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“I’d love you, care for you through sickness and in health. Haven’t I promised that the day I married you?” Mew said and grabbed Gulf’s hand to stroke the wedding ring around his finger.

Let me do just that... ❤

“P’Mew, where are you?! P’Mew!” Gulf frantically yelled. His breathing labored and tears threatening to spill. He had woken up in an empty bed where he had, as it felt, just fallen asleep wrapped up in Mew’s arms., tightly embraced by his warmth. The warmth he needed right now.
He patted the space still feeling the slowly cooling heat radiating from the mattress indicating he had just gotten out.
He let his feet slip of the bed onto the cold tiles, shivering from the contact but he wasn’t concerned about that right now. He stumbled out of the bedroom looking for the only person that could give him warmth right now.
“P Mew?” He mumbled softly in the dark corridors of the apartment. His eyes frantically looked for that familiar form in every room.
He rounded the corner and his heart leaped when he finally saw Mew standing with his back to him by the kitchen counter.
“P Mew...” he cried out in a soft voice and leaped into Mew’s arms as he just turned around and was just able to wrap Gulf into his arms.

“what's wrong Tua Eng...” Mew asked in concern. he put back the knife he had used and pulled Gulf closer against him and dropped a kiss on his head.
“You were gone...” Gulf mumbled into his chest. “I was scared, I had that nightmare again.” He continued as his throat clogged up with tears.
Mew felt his husband start to tremble and he was biting back tears too. He needed to be strong for him now. 
“I’m here now... shh.” Mew comforted and soothed the sobbing man in his arms.
“I will call in sick so I can stay with you today.” Mew said after some time when Gulf had calmed down a bit.
“No! No... you don’t have to. I’m alright! Really!” Gulf looked up with a watery smile and wiped away the tears from his cheeks. “Really!” He said again when Mew looked at him suspiciously, not believing a single word.
“Nong... you don’t have to force yourself... I can stay home.” Mew sighed and grabbed both his hands and kissed the back slowly, one after the other.
Gulf chuckled and pulled his hands free to place them on Mew’s cheeks and kissed his nose.
“Really... I'm alright.” he said now his voice more reassuring. He lips pulled in a small smile that made Mew relieved, it seemed genuine and for the first in a long time he did feel reassured and pecked Gulf's lips softly.
“Alright Tua Eng. Make sure you stay home and rest. I'll be home soon.”
He grabbed the toast and before he kissed Gulf's cheek one more time and with a last look, left.

Gulf's smile faltered the moment the door slammed shut behind Mew’s disappearing back. He sighed deep and his shoulders sagged down when suddenly the room felt icy cold and the dark overshadowed him again. His chin trembling as he tried to blink the upcoming tears away. He didn’t want to bother Mew with this anymore. It had been weeks; shouldn't he be able to pick up his life again? Pathetic, he thought. What must Mew think of him, not even being able to handle this.
How could he? How did people deal with this? How did Mew deal with this?
It seemed as if Mew had long forgotten? How?
The vivid images would still flash in front of his eyes and it always made him flinch. It broke his heart time and time again.
The anxiety, the earthshattering news they had lost her.
How happy they had been with the news of him being pregnant. How Mew had twirled him through nearly the whole house, how happy their parents had been with the news.
How it all ended suddenly when he woke up with stabbing pain and blood everywhere.
The panic was so intense he still shivered just imagining it. The hours after that moment all still seemed unreal and blurry, the pitied face of the doctor shaking his head. How he had broken down in Mew's arms. The news had crushed him, crushed them and up till this moment he still didn’t know how to cope with it.
How was Mew able to pick up his life again just like that? How was he not able to? Was he wrong in this?
He had tried, oh god he had tried but to no avail.

Gulf sat down on the couch. Twisting and turning the ring on his ring finger. The room still clad in darkness, he didn’t even have the energy to turn the lights on.
He sighed and looked at his watch.
He had only been alone for 3 hours but they felt like he had been sitting here for centuries. Just staring at nothing.
The sun casted a shadow over his sunken cheeks, hos hair disheveled mob on top of his head, dark circles under his eyes.
Slowly his eyes followed his hand as it moved carefully to his abdomen.
The moment he touched his now flat belly a sob escaped his lips.
“Why...” he sobbed, voice cracking.

This is how Mew found him, curled into a ball on the ground in front of the couch hours later…
“Gulf...” he cried out and with 2 big strides was at his sides and pulled him in his arms. He noticed no lights had been turned on all day and it was already getting dark outside and Gulf was still wearing one of his shirts. His heart leaped when he realized this was how Gulf had stayed all day and he definitely wasn’t okay,
He wanted to get mad because he has asked, he had asked if it was alright for him to leave and how Gulf had reassured him so convincedly.
He could have known after yet another nightmare.
He gritted his teeth when he heard the soft sobs coming from the bundle in his arms.
“it's okay, it's okay I'm here now...”

“No… NO! how could it be okay! You don’t understand!” Gulf freed himself from Mew’s arms and pushed him away.
Mew was shocked at this sudden reaction. What was happening. He swallowed hard and held back tears that started to form when he saw Gulf’s red swollen eyes, trembling lips and just the overall sorrow he seemed to be in in the dark living room.
He felt helpless…
“Tua Eng.” He whispered and tried to pull Gulf back in his arms to comfort him but it was slapped away.
“Don’t fucking touch me! Leave me alone!” Gulf suddenly screamed.
Mew was too stunned to speak for a second. He was… numb.
“You don’t know anything! You aren’t the one who went through this all! How can you act so calm as if nothing happened! Do you have ANY idea how I feel?!” Gulf screamed out and sobbed loudly.
“I feel like I’ve failed! I was supposed to give you a family! And see me now! A mess!”
Mew but down on his lip, his heart hammered against his chest and his eyes teared up and tried to stay strong witnessing the sorrow, the pain, the despair his love went though.
Gulf stood up and walked to the kitchen but Mew wasn’t going to leave him alone like this.

“You think…” Mew sighed deep and balled his fist trying to keep in his emotions. He needed to be strong. He needed to be strong for Gulf for them both. What would happen if he also broke down!
“What! What do I think!” Gulf screamed.
“You think I’m not suffering!!!” Mew yelled and his control snapped.
Gulf stood nailed to the ground and gasped when he watched Mew shake his head and his lip trembled. His body was slowly starting to shake and Gulf felt his world crumple when he saw the tears.
“Mew…”
“I-I’ve tried to stay strong. I’ve tried for you… “ Mew finally let out all his sorrow. “I wanted to be the rock to lean on for you in these hard times  but I also suffered. I saw your pain. I saw your sorrow but I hoped we’d be okay, but we’re not!” Mew cried and Gulf closed the distance and pulled him in his arms and hugged him to his chest. Mew sobbed into his chest and suddenly seemed so fragile as he broke down.
It had been enough. He didn’t have to pretend to be better anymore.
Gulf’s tears also fell down one after the other while he comforted Mew in his arms and cried with him.
Their pain could be felt in the cold dark room.
“How I wished I could take your pain away and I couldn’t, how I wished I could carry this burden for you but I can’t and it breaks me. It hurts me so bad!”
Gulf was made aware that he hadn’t been the only one feeling like this… he now saw how It had affected Mew too…

They had looked out for this together. Felt the joy and happiness from the moment they found out to the endless list of symptoms and morning sickness to the growing little bundle in his stomach and they had also gone through that moment when it was suddenly stripped away from them the heartache and the panic, the pain, the helplessness and sorrow…
He had blindly held on to Mew who appeared so strong in those moments but now he saw that even he could break. He wished he could turn it all back but he couldn’t and right now they had to go through this. Together.
Mew looked up and Gulf saw his tear-streaked face and the pain in his eyes that made him tear up once again.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know.” Gulf’s lip trembled.
Mew pulled him closer and held his face in his palms.
“It’s okay, we’re going to be okay… maybe not now but give it time.” Mew whispered and stroked away the tears on Gulf’s cheek.
Gulf leaned in to his touch and closed his eyes
“I’d love you, care for you through sickness and in health. Haven’t I promised that the day I married you?” Mew said and grabbed Gulf’s hand and stroked the wedding ring around his finger. “Let me do just that. Let me love you, let me care for you… let me help you. Let me in with your troubles. What’s yours became mine too and we will tackle this together. Were going to do this together…”
Gulf felt new tears well up and he nodded, unable to speak.
It felt as if the world around him had just become a tat but lighter. He felt lighter for the first time in a long time and he smiled.

Mew witnessed this moment. He finally saw Gulf sincerely smile. For the first time in weeks, he had finally managed to make Gulf smile again, even if it was just a little. It gave him hope.

Hope for the future…

***

2 years later

“you’re here, you’re finally here.” Gulf sobbed. He was gasping for air and his face was covered in sweat after he has just gone through the most agonizing pain humanly possible but all was forgotten when he heard the first cry and he saw what he had done this all for as the little baby was placed on his chest still crying but the moment she came in contact with his skin she stopped and eyes opened to blink and look around until they fell on Gulf’s own ones and stared at him in wonder… 

“Our rainbow baby*…” Gulf whispered and caressed the soft rosy cheeks and tiny hands balled in a fist.
Mew was crying next to him and brushed his disheveled hair out of his face and kissed his forehead, followed by his nose and then his lips. Over and over again. He couldn’t hide his love and happiness and it had just grown even more.
“You did it love.” Mew cried and stroked their little girl’s little fist and watched her grab his finger.
Gulf smiled up at Mew and with tears in his eyes said: “No, WE did it.”

*a baby born subsequent to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of an infant from natural causes