Things Not Said

Chapter 20: The Revelation

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Before you start reading this and before I get into the details, I need to let you know that I love you. I love you beyond doubt and there's no questioning as to if I forgive you because I do.

I did, I missed you so much during that first year that you were gone. I cried myself to sleep countless nights at the silence in the house. But then I realized, there was no noise. I couldn't hear you and dad fight. And finally, I stopped crying. You were safe and I should've stopped being so selfish thinking about only myself.

You have to know Andrew, you absolutely have to know, that I never, ever, blamed you for leaving. You made the right choice and even though it took me a while to realize, you were meant to leave. Like I told you at the hospital when you asked me about my brother, dad took your leaving really badly and everything started being better.

Whatever other people tell you, dad stopped drinking after that night, after you left. And on the road when the accident happened, it wasn't his fault.

What I need to know so I can leave in peace is that you and dad aren't fighting anymore. I can't take it, the two of you fighting and that day when you came and introduced yourself as Kyle, I knew you hadn't forgiven dad.

It did take me a few weeks to realize who you were, but in the end, I could never forget my own brother, Andrew.

I don't have time to get better and make you love dad again, but I can write this letter.

Promise me; just promise me, that you'll take care of him. I love him and he loves you, I know he does, and he loved me too. It's just since mom's death, he hasn't been doing the right thing. But you can change that. You can make things right.

Oh! Congratulations on getting your art accepted! I got a call from a man called Roe Cook at Arte Di Casa. He seems like a nice man. Good luck with your exposition. I'm so, so proud of you and I really wish I could've made it. I'll be watching from up there. I promise.

Just remember: no matter how bad things are, don't give up on your dreams. They're the one thing making the pain worth it. And there is a lot of pain. I know you know that. But don't give up. I won't let you.

I'll miss you where I am, but remember that I'm watching over you. Don't join me too soon. I've got mom up here. She'll keep me company.

I love you, Andrew. Don't ever forget that.

Your sister,

Allie.

Tears splash onto the paper making the ink run and I take the letter away. I want this letter to stay the way Allie had written it: it's the only thing I have to remember her by. That and her guitar.

Unexpectedly, anger and pain and sadness rush to my heart, breaking through the numbness I'd been feeling. I spring to my feet and head outside. I run, past Mama's diner, past Washington Avenue, past Golden and out close to the mountains. Once I'm there, I climb. I hike and walk all the way to the top ignoring the blisters in my feet from my Converse. I run and walk until I've made it to the top.

On the rocks, I stand on the tallest and look down at the height. This drop could kill me. It could definitely kill me. Oh, how I want to be with Allie again. I want to see my mom. I miss her, I miss them, so damn much.

I take a deep breath and step forward. With my toes on the edge I let out my breath, but with the breath comes a shout. The shout echoes off the valley around me and resonates through the trees. I see a flock of birds fly form the forest and I keep screaming.

All the pain, anger, love, and hope I have escapes my lungs. I scream for my sister, my mother... my father. I scream at the unfairness of the world. I scream because I miss my mom. I scream because I already miss Allie. I scream until I can't and I take a deep breath and scream again. I yell until my lungs are on fire and my throat is sore. But even then, I don't stop.

~~~

I can't talk anymore. The shouts from the top of the mountain have taken my energy and the hike down is painful as is the walk home.

When I reach number 68 on Twelfth Street, I stop. I look at the house and into my sister's bedroom window. I see her princess curtains and smile. Suddenly, the cloth is pulled back and I see Allie's face smiling down at me. My heart fills with joy and with the last of my voice I yell out her name. Next to her, comes my mother and she waves at me. I wave back.

Walking to the garden, I dig out a lily and bring it up to the window. My mom blows me a kiss and Allie smiles.

They disappear as quickly as they came, but the feeling of joy and love doesn't leave my heart. I go into the house and hear the sound of sobbing coming from the living room.

I walk inside and find my father sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, weeping.

I step into the living room and my father looks up at me with a tear-stained face.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, choking on his tears, "I'm so, so sorry."

I walk to him and sit by his side on the couch.

"I'm sorry too, dad," I whisper.

We both let our tears fall and he wraps an arm around me, letting me cry with my face buried in his chest.

I cry because of Allie, because of my mother and because for the first time in four years I feel like I finally have my father back. My only family.