Make Me (Remdy)

We All Fall Down Sometimes

Trigger warnings: Mentions of Depression, suicide, self harm, panic attacks, death

Christmas Eve. Juliet brought Lucas earlier this morning, planning to stay for a few nights so they could celebrate together. Now, it's mid-evening, Lucas is dozing off in Andy's lap after having eaten too much chocolate, and Juliet is talking to Remington. 

"You're the guitarist, right?" She asks. "Andy mentions you a lot when I leave Lucas with him." 

"Yeah, that's right," Remington says. His mind is elsewhere. 

"For the record, the band sounds a lot better since you joined." 

"Oh, thank you. I just do what Andy tells me." 

"Don't we all?" She jokes. "I just wanted to clear a few things up so there isn't any awkwardness over Christmas." 

"Sure, go for it." 

"I'm sure Andy's told you about our divorce." 

"Yes. A lot. Something about you only being with him for his looks." 

"Yeah, by the end, it did feel like that. Don't get me wrong, I was in love with him when we first married, but then the excitement wore off and I realised how much he annoyed me. I did some shit I shouldn't have, I'll admit. I cheated towards the end and I wish I hadn't. Andy hadn't done anything to deserve that." 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

"I want to make sure you know that I'm not as much of a heartless bitch as he probably makes me out to be." 

"You faked your son's death." 

A silence. Juliet looks over at Andy, who, like his son, is asleep on the couch. "I did do that," she says eventually, lowering her voice. "And it was shitty, but I didn't know what else to do." 

"What do you mean?"

"When I had him, I didn't think Andy was ready to be a father." 

"He's a perfect father," Remington says defensively. 

"Now, yes. He's incredible. Lucas adores him. But when he was born, Andy wasn't like this at all. He was an alcoholic, he was out all the time, I didn't want our son growing up with a father like that." 

"That's understandable, but did you really have to tell him Lucas was dead? It broke him." 

"It was a rash decision and I regret it, but look how things are now. It worked out okay. Andy got the son he always wanted, Lucas got the dad he never had, and me and Andy are actually friends. I never thought that would happen after the way things ended." 

"I guess so," Remington says. He looks at the Christmas tree, bright with colourful lights and baubles that Lucas hung on the branches. For a moment, he can picture Emerson sat beside it with his sketchbook, and Sebastian, ranting at the TV because it won't turn on. He looks away and they vanish. "I'm glad it all worked out," he says now, and sees them again. "Sorry, I need the bathroom." 

Juliet nods. He gets up and leaves the room, practically running up the stairs and locking himself in Andy's en-suite. He sits heavily on the toilet seat, puts his head in his hands, and they're back again. Emerson shouting up the stairs for him to come and try this new drink, Sebastian laughing loudly at a bad joke made my Larisa. Remington can hear them as though they're real, and knowing they're not makes his heart burn. For a while, he listens to Emerson, his soft voice that could be sharp when he yelled, and Sebastian's laugh cutting through the walls and lighting up the house with joy. 

He shakes his head. They disappear. He's alone in the bathroom and everything is quiet. It's been quiet since they left, but the quiet is deafening, and the longer he sits and listens, the more he wishes he was with them. Hugging them, laughing with them, fighting with them. It doesn't matter what, just as long as he's with them.

After a moment to steady himself from the labored breathing that he hadn't realised was there, Remington gets up and begins searching the cupboards. He knows Andy threw away or hid anything he could use to hurt himself, and when he fails to find something, not even a pair of tweezers, he shoves everything that's by the sink onto the floor. Then he joins it, sits against the shower while hearing them over and over, louder and louder, until he has to beg them to be quiet, but when they're quiet, it feels even worse. 

He doesn't want to celebrate Christmas without them. He doesn't want to sit through a day of false smiles just so he can melt into tears at the end of it. He doesn't want anything without them anymore. And he's tried. God knows he's tried. Everyday since they left, he's tried. He's smiled and he's spoken and he's been in love, but without them, it all feels pointless. Like a day without a night. What's the point in waking if he doesn't get to sleep at the end of it? 

Remington is sobbing now, and still, he can hear them. Emerson drunkenly explaining a TV advert. Sebastian telling him to shut up before he slaps him. He almost smiles, but he doesn't because they're not real anymore, and they never will be again. 

He screams. There's not enough air in his lungs and not enough blood in his heart. He gets off the floor and leaves the bathroom, lies face down on the bed and continues to scream into the pillow. A hand is on his back and he lifts his head, expects to see Andy, but instead, he sees Sebastian, and he tries to hug his brother, but he's not real and he never will be again. 

The accident was his fault. He made them late. If they hadn't have been late, they never would have been hit by that lorry, and everything would be okay. It's his fault that they're gone now. 

He turns onto his side and cries into fists of duvet until the fabric is damp. He feels them over and over. Emerson rubbing his shoulder, Sebastian ruffling his hair.

But every time he tries to touch them in return, he can't.