To Be Loved

09 - Lawrence

Annalise and I talked in my room for a little bit before she had to go do her duties. I had been sitting in here by myself for a while now thinking about what I just did and was about to do. How could I be so selfish? I thought I was doing everyone a favor by leaving, but instead I was only hurting them- especially Haven. She could barely look at me, she was so upset.

I can't believe I even considered jumping. I can't believe I even resorted to drinking, but at the time it was an escape. I considered cutting myself with the pocket knife but everyone would notice if the prince had cuts on his wrists, so my answer was beer. No one would know I was drinking it unless I showed up drunk, so I hid it the best I could...and it worked.

I just didn't want to live anymore remembering everything he's done to me. I wish I could forget everything he ever did to me, but I can't because he's my father. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him raising his hand in the air to slap me. I had convinced myself a long time ago that I was the problem. If I had just been more like Brookes, the day he first hit me would never have happened and I wouldn't have to go through hell everyday.

I was sitting on the couch that faced the tall and wide window in my room when I heard a knock at the door. I assumed it was Haven or Anna so I said, "Come in."

The door peaked open slowly and my mother and father walked in. I immediately jumped off the couch and wiped my eyes of any straggling tears.

Dad cleared his throat, "We heard what happened."

"Who-who told you?" I asked in a stutter.

"Haven. I've never seen her so mad, she told us both to, "march our arses up to your room" and apologize. She loves you a lot, ya know."

"Yep, that sounds like something Haven would say." I chuckled at the thought of her saying that.

Mother chimed in, "Lawrence, when Haven came and told us what you almost did, my heart stopped for a moment and I realized what a terrible mother I've been. The thought of losing you and it being partly my fault- I just couldn't bear it. I should've never participated in hurting you the way we did. Haven helped me realize that...I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

I nodded and looked at my dad, "You're mother is right. We should have never resulted in treating you the way we did. I shouldn't have gotten so mad at you for just being yourself. I think it's because you remind me of myself and I wanted you to be your best self. I'm sorry for all the years of torment I brought upon you."

"Thank you for apologizing.. but I need a little time before I can accept it. It's been a crappy day and I need to think about what all just happened."

"We understand, dear." Mother spoke and gave me a hug that I did not return. I can't remember the last time my mother gave me a hug. It felt weird and I didn't know how to respond to her.

She pulled away and stroked my face. She turned to leave and placed a hand on my father's shoulder before pulling him out of the room to leave me alone. Right as he was about to walk out the door, Dad turned and looked at me with regretful eyes. Pleading me to forgive him because he really was sorry, I could tell. But, as I said, I need some time before I can forgive them.

Maybe it will be forever until I do. Maybe I will in my last breath on this earth. Or maybe tomorrow I will. But time is time and all I want is a little. Just to process what happened today and then I can focus on what happens in the future.

1981

I was sitting on the balcony. I was supposed to be doing my schoolwork Dad had told me I had to finish by the end of the hour, but I found myself watching my little sister, Haven, and her friend, Annalise, run around and play together. They would run up and down the rows of the garden and snatch up different types of flowers and make crowns with them.

I watched Annalise and her adorable self make a crown made of daisies and purple flowers. While she was intently weaving the flowers together, Haven came up behind her and yelled, "Boo!"

Anna screamed and laughed when she saw that it was Haven who had scared her. I let out a laugh and the two girls looked up to see me standing on the balcony.

"Hey, Ror! Come play with us!" Haven yelled to me.

I was about to say no because of the schoolwork, but I said, "I'll be down in two minutes."

I raced down the corridor and the flights of stairs until I got to the main floor and outside. Haven and Anna were now dancing around in their crowns.

Haven came up and hugged me, "Ever since you turned fourteen, you never play with us anymore!"

"I'm sorry, Hav. But, Dad has been giving me so much work to do." I kissed her head.

"It's ok. Look what Anna made you." She pointed to Annalise and the blue flower crown she had in her hands. She timidly came over and placed it on my head.

Annalise blushed, "Hello Rory."

"H-hey." I waved to the beautiful girl. She blushed and I could tell I was too. I doubt Haven noticed, she was so oblivious.

We started playing tag and I ran around trying to tag the two twelve year olds. We were having so much fun, but our fun didn't last much longer.

"Lawrence William Collins!" I heard my father yell.

Oh no. I thought. I saw the beautiful girl with the blue eyes look at me worried. I didn't want her to.

He walked over to me and grabbed my arm, "I told you to finish that schoolwork!"

He started to pull me back to the palace doors but Haven spoke up, "No, dad! It's my fault. I asked Rory to come play with us."

"No, Hav. Lawrnece made his own choice to come down here and ignore my demand for him to do his work."

As he pulled me back to the palace, I looked back and saw Annalise clutching on to Haven's arm. They both looked scared, so I made the most goofy face I could. I didn't want them to worry, especially Anna. Dad wouldn't do anything to me.

He brought me up to my room and told me to sit in my desk chair.

"Lawrence. I have been lenient with you, and I have finally had enough of it! I'm sick and tired of you not doing your duties. I'm fed up with you running around and acting like a hooligan!"

"But Dad-" Slap!

I gripped my cheek. It stung with pain and I could tell it was red. I looked up at him. What did he just do? Why would he do that? I let out a shaky breath, trying not to cry. It hurts so bad.

He straightened his suit coat, "Now, I suggest that you get to work. You have til dinner for them to be complete." He went to walk out the door but said one last thing that made my blood boil, "And I saw the way you looked at that Annalise girl. She is Haven's Lady In Waiting. Not a princess. So, don't even bother taking a liking to her." He spat.

He closed the door, and I collapsed to the floor. How could he do that? How could he say that? I was so confused. So in shock. My cheek hurt so bad. It felt swollen. Can a cheek swell? I don't know.

I cried for what felt like hours, but I knew it was only a few minutes. My chest hurt from the tears, but I got up and walked over to my bed where the many papers were strewn everywhere. Then I got to work.