To Be Loved

18 - Lawrence

Haven has been acting strange ever since she found out about the marriage. It's like she took her emotions and threw them out the window. Well, not all her emotions. Anger is usually the one emotion that is able to climb over the tall wall she has built. And I certainly wasn't helping by rubbing it in her face that I was happy and in love with her best friend.

Lunch did not go good today...again.

Anna and Haven had a fight and then Anna left crying. I know Haven didn't mean what she said. She just wants to protect me when I'm the one supposed to be protecting her. I am the big brother, after all.

When Anna is out of sight, Haven huffs and pounds the table with her fist before hiding her eyes in her hands. I don't know if she's crying or not because she's so quiet. As she sits there I notice the confused look on James' face. Anna kinda just spilled the beans about the marriage and now he's sitting there completely confused.

Brookes doesn't look so good either, but that has nothing to do with the situation we are in. He has looked quite pale the past few days and has become much thinner than he normally is. Lately, he has also been coughing a bunch and I'm starting to become worried.

I look over at Haven and she is now wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Her face is red and her eyes are swollen. Well, they were already swollen to begin with because of the endless hours of crying I hear every night next door.

"Haven-" I start to say but am cut off by her hand.

She shakes her head, "I'm fine."

She continues to eat her food and doesn't say a word the rest of the ten minutes we are sat at the table. I try to make a joke every once and a while but she either ignores me or rolls her eyes.

Brookes starts having another one of his coughing fits and excuses himself. It sounds like it hurts.

Haven and James have both finished their meals and take their plates to the sink. I soon finish as well and head up to my room.

I sit on the edge of my bed and sigh before resting my head in my hands. Ever since I stopped drinking, there has been an emptiness in my stomach- like I need to have a drink, but I know I can't. Haven has helped me stop and I am not about to ruin my life again now that it's starting to get good.

When I first started not drinking, my hands would shake and I would have impulsive urges to just chug a whole beer! But now it's gotten better. I've read many articles on how to deal with it. Exercising is the most helpful for me- Every time I feel that urge to drink, I tell myself no and then punch the punching bag. It helps a lot because then I distract myself from the urge. Music also helps. I listen to the lyrics or strum the guitar which also is a good distraction.

I am broke out of my thoughts when Anna barges into my room with a hopeful smile planted on her face.

She asks if my offer still stands: to run away. I declined even though I wanted to do the same just last night. Now that I have Anna back, there is nothing that I would ever want to run from- not even my parents. I know that my love for her will never die and even though my parents will call me a disappointment. I know in her eyes I will never be.

"No, Anna!" I yell after she persists. She gets mad and storms out of my room ignoring my many pleas for her to come back.

Knowing how stubborn she is, I fall back onto my bed and give up. She'll come back once she realizes what I did- that we can't run from our problems- and once she calms down.

After a while of getting lost in my own thoughts, I decided to go talk to Haven. I need to know what's really going on with her and how I can make it better because I can't stand seeing my bestfriend so broken and emotionless.

I knock on the door five times which is code for it's-Rory-open-the-dang-door.

"What do you want?" I hear her ask in an annoyed tone.

I come in, "You're going to talk to me whether you like it or not and tell me what's wrong with you."

She sighed and sat up from her bed to walk over to the couch that sat in front of a small fireplace. I sat beside her.

"Ok: tell me what's wrong."

She laughs bitterly, "Seriously? I think you know."

"Yeah, you have to marry James. I know, but you could have said no."

She becomes very angry by my comment, "I could have said no? You didn't think I hadn't thought of that?!" She screams, "If I could have said no, I would have, Lawrence!"

Her eyes fill with tears and she stands up and watches the flames of the fireplace intently.

I now realize what she means. Our parents have put so much pressure on her that she feels like if she doesn't she'll be a disappointment to her family, the kingdom... And to herself. Being Haven's brother and bestfriend, I know that she naturally feels like she has to fix everything- Including something so bizarre as this.

I got up to stand beside her, "Mom and Dad are the reason... Isn't it?"

She just stares at the fireplace and doesn't answer.

"Hav?"

"Why do they do this?" She asks in the most heartbreaking voice that I have ever heard come out of her mouth. I bring her into a hug and she cries into my shirt but continues to talk, "I- I don't want to marry James, Rory. They- they- Mom said that I would be disappointing everyone if I don't- I can't be a disappointment!"

"Shhh," I say in a soothing voice as I stroke her hair. Haven has always wanted everyone to think the best of her. She always valued our parents opinion even if she would never admit it. The Haven that is now crying in my arms is no longer the bubbly girl that I used to prank people with. This Haven is broken, sad, and... Angry- at everything. She's angry at our parents, the world and herself- I could tell. She's angry that she couldn't say "no". She wants to say no so badly but can't.

"Haven?" I ask when she finally stops crying.

She sniffles and raises her head to look at me, "I'm sorry I yelled at Ann. I don't know why I did."

"It's ok. But, I think she's the one who needs to hear the apology."

"I know." is all she says.

We sat there on the couch just watching the fire.

"I think I can do it." She says bluntly.

I ask, "Do what?" I was confused by what she meant.

"I think I could get used to it."

"Used to what?"

"Being the wife of a man I don't love. After a while, I think I would just become used to it. I'm hoping I will. Don't you think so?"

I was shocked at the words that just left her mouth, "No, Hav- I don't think you'll get used to it. I think you'll become numb."

"Numb with what?"

"Pain."