broken // lashton

twenty - three

"It's funny how when you think nobody cares about you, you have an entire line of people coming to visit you at the hospital after you've attempted to kill yourself," Michael says bitterly to his best friend, who is lying in a hospital bed, a soft smile on his lips.
"I'm sorry."
"No, Luke, you can't apologize for this. I should he apologizing to you," Michael replies quickly. He sets down the teddy bear he brought for Luke and sighs.

"I'm sorry I'm such a terrible friend. Dude, you have no idea what I would do without you. My life would suck, because it wouldn't have you in it." Michael closes his eyes, not wanting to look at Luke. "Michael," Luke starts. "You aren't a terrible friend. Even if you're an assholê sometimes, you still come back in the end. That's what matters."

Michael gives Luke a soft smile before pulling a small leather-covered book out of his bag.
Luke recognizes it immediately. His journal.
"Um, there's something in here you should read," Michael mutters, scratching the back of his neck.
Luke opens the book to the last page he wrote in. Slowly, he turns the page.

Luke,
I wish I had never read this.
Actually, I take that back. I'm not happy I had to read it, but I think I needed to.

I'm so, so sorry for everything.
I'm sorry for what happened at the party.
I'm sorry for lying to you.
I'm sorry I acted like I didn't care about you. I care so much, I wish you knew.
And guess what? I'm gay. And I've come out to everyone now.

This is all my fault.
I read your journal, Luke. I know how much I hurt you. I'm so, so sorry.

I love you.

I love you and I can't believe I didn't say it sooner. I'm hoping that you'll live you read this. I'm sitting on your bedroom floor right now.

Your brother found you on your bathroom floor, you had a bottle of pills in one hand and a razor in the other. Michael was the one to call me, after he'd read the journal you were lying on top of. He was crying, Luke. When I got to your house, Michael gave me this journal. I just sat down on your floor and cried. I cried so much.
I can't even believe I caused this. I'm such a terrible person. I'm so, so sorry. My only hope is that you'll get to read it.

God. I hope you live. I don't want you to die, Luke. If you die, it'll all be my fault. I don't know if I could live with that. In fact, I wouldn't be able to. I'd rather kill myself than live with the fact that I did this to you.

I love you. I hope you don't hate me.
I'm so, so sorry for making you feel like this.
I've been so selfish. I want you to be happy.

I'm so, so sorry. I love you.

xx Ashton

Luke sighs as he closes the book. "Did you really cry?" He looks up at Michael. Before the boy can answer, Ashton's voice emits into the room. "Yes."
"A-Ashton," Luke says, suddenly feeling the need to fix his hair. The hazel haired boy comes into the room, and stands awkwardly beside Michael. "I'm so sorry. I love you."
This is what Luke's been waiting to hear for the past three years.
But why does it feel fake?
"Um, I'm gonna go..." Michael quips, shuffling out of the room as quickly as he could.
Ashton slowly places his hand over Luke's.
"I'm so, so sorry."
"This isn't your fault." Luke states dryly, and he has no idea why.
"B-But I read your jour-"
"You didn't force me to swallow pills. You didn't force me to cut. You didn't force any of it." Luke looks at his hands, not daring to make eye contact with the other boy.
"But I should've-"
"It's my fault," Luke says softly. It's the first time he's said it out loud since he woke up in the hospital. "Y-You didn't do any of this to me. I did this to myself."

Ashton kneels down next to Luke. "I wasn't lying when I said I love you."
"But you're straight, that's what you told me."
"I'm not, Luke." Ashton sighs, rubbing his temples with his index fingers. "I love you."
"Stop saying that," Luke whispers, running his fingers over the cuts on his arms. "I-You don't really mean it."
Ashton stands up, grabbing onto the blonde boy's hand. "I'm not. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

"I can't do this," Luke says, surprising both himself and Ashton.
"W-What?" Ashton stammers, stepping back.
"You-I, I can't just run away with you like this. Even if we're not going anywhere. You've never shown interest me before. Why now, Ashton? Do you feel sorry for me?"
Ashton pauses. He isn't sure where Luke is going with this.
"I didn't want to be gay, or bi, or whatever the hell I am. I've been in love with you for so long-"
"Since when? You haven't really payed attention to me, at all." Luke remarks dryly.
"Since Bryana. About a week after I starred dating her, I realized I liked boys. And you, more importantly. She became a distraction to me. I didn't want to have a crush on you, so I smothered it. But it didn't work. I just fell in love with you."
"How? We never spoke to each other. How did you fall in love with me? It doesn't make sense." Luke mutters. He was right - the whole situation didn't make sense at all.
"You didn't realize how much I payed attention to you. I always saw when you raised your hand in class and always had the right answer, when you play with the zippers on your jacket when you're bored. The way you eat pretzels with your back teeth instead of your front teeth. I just fell so in love with all your little habits."
Luke's mouth is agape. Those are all things he does. Ashton had been paying attention after all.

Luke sighs. Now that Ashton is saying this to him, it seems fake.
Forced.
"Why are you here?" Luke asks, his voice cracking. Ashton looks at him, confused. "Because I love you."

Luke runs a hand through his hair. "Are you sure? Because it doesn't really feel like it."
"I don't know why you don't believe me. I told you how I feel, I know how you feel. I've already lied to you enough, I don't want to lie to you anymore. I've fallen in love with you, Luke Hemmings. And I don't want you to think I haven't. You're everything I've ever wanted, you've stuck with me through all the sh it I've put you through, you haven't lied to me at all. I've been such an as s to you, and I can't believe you still had feelings after all I did to you. I-I love you. I should've said it sooner, I know."
Ashton picks up the teddy bear and begins to play with its little paws. "I don't want you to think I don't love you. I love you so much, and I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, but I did and I'm sorry."

Luke slowly closes his eyes. "I love you too," he whispers, tears slowly forming at the corners of his eyes. "But I shouldn't be here. I should have died back there, I don't fuc king deserve you, Ashton."
"Baby, no! Please don't say that! If anything, I don't deserve you! You're supposed to be alive. I'm so happy you didn't die back there, Luke."
The only thing Luke can manage is a sigh. This doesn't feel right to him, even though he's waited so long for Ashton to love him back.
"I don't think you really mean it." Luke says, quiet enough that only Ashton can hear him.

- A/N::

so so many doubts. geez.
bUT HA this isn't the end yet it's the
beginning of the end haA

no ??

and this is my longest chapter woo almost 1400 words !!

love you all :)

xx Valerie