I Want to Be More Than Friends...

Admiration

A/n I was so tired I forgot to put a title to the chapter, I am so sorry

So it was Jealousy.  As if it were a person, Hattori spoke to his own jealousy. 

'This is stupid, why are you here?'  He focused entirely on the mug he picked out for his morning cup of coffee. Kudo was still sleeping, since it was four in the morning and the boy couldn't sleep. He sighed as if it would help anything, as if it would alleviate the heavy weight on his shoulders. 

It didn't.

'Why are you here?' He questioned, now anxious of his own feelings.  He never liked it, it felt odd. He picked up the book that Kudo was reading.  It was a fun book, but it occurred to him that the expression the reader gave was that much more amusing than the content written on the pages. 

He went back to the counter and grabbed his own cup before he sat down at the dining table, the book still in hand.   There was a bookmark at the page the other left off.  It was a small bookmark made of bamboo, cherry blossoms painted on them.  It was a gift from that girl, Ran. 

But then it made him wonder.  He figured the feelings Kudo had were for that girl, and he was fully prepared for that day.  Despite this, the idea of that magician laying eyes on the detective felt wrong.  He hated that feeling and he hated the feelings that forced him to have those feelings.  When did he like him? And why?

His insides felt soiled as the nauseating feeling crept up.  He felt like vomiting. He breathed out slowly, focusing on one thing at a time.  Maybe the coffee could wait.  He leaned back into the chair and stared at the ceiling.  He questioned himself again, and then received an answer. 

The answer being that he had none.  He didn't know when, just that it happened to spring up one day when he noticed. Sure, he liked Kazuha for a time, and figured his feelings were that of admiration for the boy, but then he assessed it, denied it, thought about it, then finally, when there was no other option, accepted it.  The why however, he was stumped. 

Admiration, he thought.  It was admiration and nothing more.   That exciting feeling of solving a case, the adrenaline of possibly a near death experience, a puzzle, a crime, was only a temporary feeling.  Like a drug.  Yet that admiration was everlasting, seeing how he always came through, putting himself in place of others. 

But soon that admiration turned into a greed he never knew of.  He wanted to always be within reach of that, a feeling of pride? Maybe wonder? Whenever he was close by, within reach, everything would flutter, and soon that became a temporary feeling he longed for.  So the why of it was simple.

He longed for him.  Like a drug.

But that in itself was wrong and believe the poor soul when he says, that it felt wrong.  But then came another question. Why was the girl okay, but when it came to the magician, wrong?

He chuckled at himself, feeling very selfish.  He grabbed his cup and took a sip.  The answer was another simple one.  If the girl was chosen, then so be it.  It meant he could never love a man like himself.  But if the magician was involved, then that meant he had a chance, and if it were between that man and him, why wouldn't he choose him? He was far better than the magician, far better than the thief.

He paused.

Thief? Was he the thief? That moonlit creature whom no one could catch? He chuckled again.  Surely, he was losing his mind. 

'Then tell him.' Jealousy spoke.  For a moment, all he questioned was what, what would be say? 'You know what you want to say,' was all that it responded.  Now it was nearly five in the morning, all he did was wonder and speak to his feeling of jealousy.  He sighed once more, the weight growing heaver by the second. 

~~

It was roughly six thirty in the morning and Shinichi woke up.  Something felt wrong.  So he got up and walked down the stairs, meeting the eyes of a very tired Hattori. 

"How long were you up?"  He asked, visibly concerned.  

"Eh, since four.  How'd ya sleep?" Shinichi paused for a moment while he processed the information.  

"I'm sorry, four?" The boy nodded.  "Four.  Are you sure it was four?"  The same nod while he sipped his coffee.  "And how many cups did you drink?  Also, what the hell were you doing, up at four?" Hattori showed two fingers, showing he only had two cups before shrugging.

"Couldn't sleep. Also," he frowned, "you didn't answer my question.  How'd ya sleep?" Shinichi shook his head, clearly baffled at the situation, couldn't help but laugh.

"I uh, I slept well I guess?"  He went towards the cabinet to pour himself a cup of coffee. Hattori got up and stood next to the detective who was pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Hey," he started off.  "I wanna tell ya something." Kudo, still somewhat tired, hummed a reply, bringing the cup to his lips.  Clearly tired, the boy put his head against his shoulder and took a moment to clear his head and to form a sentence.  "If I say anything, will you take me seriously?"  It was a low mutter, but Kudo could hear it. 

"Yeah, of course."  It was a genuine answer.  Hattori took a moment to prepare before he decided to throw his life away. 

"Kudo," he spoke without moving from his shoulder. "I like you." 

The next moment was simply just the sound of a cup clattering while hot coffee dripped from the countertops onto the floor.  The detective of the West immediately panicked and assessed the situation. He pulled the other to the side and made eye contact with him.

"Are you okay?! Kudo!" The boy simply stared, processing the words and then at the floor.  

"Yeah..." he whispered, still processing the situation. Hattori backed up, letting the other go.

"I'm sorry, I sprung that on you.  I don't know what came over me.  I'm sorry, forget what I said."  The pure fear in his voice was prominent.  It kept shaking and quivering as if he were cold. He backed away and went up the stairs and into his room, leaving a stunned, confused boy in the kitchen, all alone.  

A/N YOOOO I DID IT!! Wrote this at five in the morning after doing my homework.  All nighters suck.  Is okay tho.  Hope this made sense and I hope you enjoyed it (hopefully there aren't any big mistakes lol)! Next chapter won't be all that great but is okay, I'll try really hard.  I'm really tired ToT

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