A Court of Golden Shadows

Chapter 5

She yearned the family dinners because of him, whenever she could, she stole glances at him. She hoped for him to talk to her and listen to the deep sound of his voice. She prayed for him to take the seat by her side and at least be able to feel his presence. That was enough for her to imagine a perfect evening with him. Their love was mutual, or so she thought...

The moment she heard Cassian open the door and greet Azriel, her heart gave a small jump of happiness, that was until she saw that he was not alone and that one of the priestesses and Nesta's friend, Gwyn, had come with him. At first, she thought he was being nice by bringing her with them, but then when he arrived to the dining room and took the seat by her side, Elain's heart cracked a little. She ate her dinner in silence, only talking when Feyre asked her questions and feeling a slight spark of jealousy watching Gwyn giggle and Azriel stare at her with a softness that melted her heart.

Later Feyre brought Nyx and Nesta immediately rushed to him, Gwyn came by her side and started playing with him. Azriel remained at the doorway like he always did, but this time, he was not stealing glances at her. His eyes were completely focused on Gwyn and then he stepped towards her and took Nyx in his arms. He started chatting with Gwyn, Nesta and Feyre, then she saw Gwyn say something and how she and Azriel locked eyes and then how Azriel's lip corners started lifting up until he was smiling at her in a way she had never seen him smile, and that's when she broke.

She couldn't stand it anymore, she rushed to the garden outside the house and let her tears roll down her cheeks. She felt how her throat closed and how her heart broke. She really thought he loved her, she thought he wanted to be with her, but she was wrong. It wasn't her who kept him up at night, it was Gwyn. It wasn't her who he dreamed of, it was Gwyn. It wasn't her who made Azriel smile, it was Gwyn.

She cried for what seemed hours and then she dried her cheeks and went inside. Azriel and Gwyn were still playing with Nyx and Nesta was now watching them with a crooked grin on her face. It was obvious that Nesta liked them together and even though she was her sister, she couldn't blame her, she had never made clear her feelings for Azriel, so there was no way she could know. As far as Nesta knew, she was still getting over Graysen. She decided to ignore them and went straight to her bedroom, she had a bedroom in every house that Feyre and Rhys owned, she was the only one who still slept in the same house as them. Cassian and Nesta now owned the House of Wind so they lived there, Azriel didn't have a fixed place, but usually she slept in there. Amren had her own apartment and Mor stayed in the house that Rhys and Feyre where not using at the moment.

As soon as she arrived to her bedroom, she didn't even bother with getting ready for sleep, she just landed on her bed and found sleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

The next day she woke up and went down for breakfast and found Feyre there.

"Good morning Elain, is everything okay?"

Elain hoped that her eyes didn't look swollen like she had been crying for hours.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Why do you ask?"

"Yesterday you left early"

"Oh yeah, I just had a small headache, but everything is fine now" she tried to sound convincing, but the look on Feyre's eyes said that she hadn't truly believed her. Still, she let go of the subject and started a different conversation.

Only Feyre was there for breakfast, Rhys only grabbed an apple and left, saying that he had something important to do. Feyre looked at him and frowned, but Rhys just smiled, kissed her and muttered "I'll tell you later".

As soon as Elain finished her breakfast she got up from the table and went for her daily walk at the town. Usually she spent her free time (which she had a lot) gardening or looking out for Nyx, she loved her sisters, but she hated that they never included her in the important conversations. Whenever they were having a serious conversation and Elain asked what was wrong, they just smiled at her like she was a sweet, innocent thing and told her that she didn't have to worry, that everything was fine.

Somehow, she knew it was her fault that they never included her in important things. When they had been out of food as humans, Feyre was the one that started hunting and brought food to their table, she got herself involved in important things. Just like her, Nesta hadn't done anything, but when Feyre needed their help, Nesta was the one who took the reins of everything. Now, Feyre was attending her duties as High Lady of the Night Court and as a mother to Nyx. Nesta was in constant training with the Valkyries and Feyre constantly turned to her when she needed help with something.

Even Gwyn was more involved in important matters than she was. Gwyn. She wondered what she was doing, she wondered if she was with Azriel. She wondered if he was smiling at her the same way he had smiled last night. She felt jealous, she felt sick.

Gwyn was obviously interested in him, Azriel also seemed interested in her and even Nesta seemed to like them as a couple. Her own sister. Nesta was unaware of her feelings and perhaps if she told her, she might change her mind. But she didn't really know. Her relationship with Nesta had been weird for a year now. Before as humans, they used to be close, but as faeries they distanced from each other.

She knew that it was mainly her fault. When Nesta shut herself out, she just sided with Feyre. Then when Nesta started healing and asked for forgiveness, everyone welcomed her and she and Feyre became close. Even when Elain was the one that usually spent time with Nyx, he still loved Nesta and reached for her whenever he saw her.

Her thoughts were going to dark places and she noticed that her hands were clenched in fists. She unclenched her hands and took a deep breath. She decided to go back to the house and work a while on her garden.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice the different voices coming from the house and she just opened the door. She looked up and froze when she saw Feyre, Rhys, Cassian, Nesta, Azriel, Mor and Amren all gathered in the living room. They all turned their heads at her, and she saw Feyre's eyes widen.

As soon as she opened her mouth to ask what was going on, she heard a familiar voice that she had dreaded to hear for months. Her heart raced and her throat closed as she caught a glimpse of his red hair and when her eyes met his, she felt her whole world crumble down.