Descend - Wolfstar + Marauders

War and Peace

Chapter Text

It became some kind of sick routine.

Remus would go away for a few weeks to his dads. He would come back pissy and depressed. They would fuck, they would fight, lather, rinse, and repeat. Sometimes his moods would only last a day or two, sometimes weeks. Sirius tried to be compassionate and patient, but the more time went on, the harder he was finding it. He felt very guilty about this, which only served to piss him off more.

Eventually, though, Remus would seem to snap himself out of it and they would settle back into some sense of normalcy. Then he would go on another mission and repeat the cycle all over again.

Remus knew how awful he was being. He just didn’t know how to stop himself. His whole life he’d managed to keep control but this. This was too much. It was hard enough just being himself, with all of the secrets and lies that his existence entailed. Lying to Sirius, it was more than he could handle.

After one particularly brutal mission (a small child, only five years old, parents that didn’t want him anymore, caught in the middle of a violent brawl, have to protect him, have to keep him safe) Remus had gone straight to Hogwarts to confront Dumbledore himself. He’d marched into the school, still bloody, barely a coherent thought in his head. Professor McGonagall had met him as he got to the entrance hall and quickly ushered him to the headmaster’s office, out of sight of curious students.

He’d told Dumbledore he couldn’t do it anymore. He had to tell his friends. To tell Sirius. He couldn’t keep it all inside or there would be nothing of him left.

“You of all people understand that some secrets must be kept for our own safety,” Dumbledore had said when Remus had finally calmed down. He rested a kind hand on Remus’ shoulder.

“Sirius has always kept my secrets.”

“Except he hasn’t,” Dumbledore reminded him. “A youthful indiscretion, undoubtedly. I know as well as you that Sirius is a good man, but now is the time for caution. As Severus Snape can attest, Sirius can be reckless when feeling clouds his judgment.”

It was hard to say no to the man who had given him everything in life. Especially after seeing such an intimate portrait (a little boy, bright red staining his dirty clothes) of who he might have been had he never gone to Hogwarts. He'd already betrayed Dumbledore's trust so many times.

McGonagall had escorted him down to the front gates, but not before taking him to Madam Pomfrey first. Both women had offered supportive words. The healer had insisted on a private chat before he left.

“I’m not here to judge you Remus, but some of these diagnostic spells aren’t painting a pretty picture about what you’re putting in your body,” she said as she healed up the freshest of his wounds.

He flushed with embarrassment, feeling much like an unruly child being chastised by their mother.

“You’re an adult now, so I won't tell you what to do. I know you're dealing with hard things, but be careful.”

She had insisted on a parting hug.

So he hadn’t told Sirius about the missions. In the end he decided it probably wasn’t fair to burden him, anyway. Sirius didn’t need that fear on top of everything else he had to deal with.

It didn’t help that with all the ups and downs of their relationship, the world around them was steadily going to shit.

Disappearances were becoming more and more common. It seemed every other week there was a report of the Dark Mark looming above the home of some poor family, a shadowy specter of doom. Sirius and James personally had to deal with the aftermath of several of these attacks. Every day the two men found it harder to go home after work, fearing what might await them there. Fearing that their loved ones might be next.

The Order was well aware that members of the Ministry were compromised. It was unclear just how far the influence of the Death Eaters had spread. How many were under the Imperius curse versus how many were willing agents of Voldemort was also wholly unclear.

Everyone was paranoid. The only people they knew for certain they could trust were other members of the Order. Each other.

One Sunday afternoon, Remus and Sirius were lounging together. Things had been peaceful between them for a while. It had been over a month since Remus had last had to go visit his dad, and even longer than that since he'd been on a mission, as the last trip to his father's was actually for real.

Sirius had gone with him on that trip. It had been rough, seeing Lyall so ill. Magic could fix a lot of things, but liver cancer was sadly not one of them. It was hard, even for Sirius, to see Lyall in such a weakened state. He couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Remus. This made Sirius feel particularly horrible for how resentful he had been recently, so he had been making up for it with extra love and attention since they got home.

Of course, Sirius didn’t know that it had actually been the first time Remus had seen his father that year. Remus had a very hard time trying to explain to his father why he needed to pretend otherwise. Lyall had been reluctant to get involved in whatever his son was lying about, but he was fond of Sirius and eager to see him, so he had agreed. It had worked out to be a rather lovely trip, though he tried very hard not to think about all of the time he was missing with his father while he was undercover with the packs.

"What the fuck have you gotten yourself into, Rey?" asked Lyall during a private moment, voice hushed while Sirius showered. "Sirius is a good man, I don't like keeping him the dark."

"I would explain if I could, dad, but I can't. It's fine. You don't need to worry," Remus assured him, hoping he would drop it. "How have you been? Has it been helping, the nurse we arranged to drop by?"

"I'm fine, Rey," said Lyall a little gruffly. "I guess were both just fine."

He tried very hard not to think about the packs in general. Sometimes he needed a little help forgetting. He figured that was only fair. After the things he had seen. The things he’d had to do… best not to think about it. Best to just have a drink. Best to ignore the guilty little side eyes he kept getting from his father. Remus knew from past experience (nicking his dads booze while very much underage) that Lyall would never call him out on inappropriate use of alcohol, since that would open him up to criticism of his own habits. Not that Remus had a habit.

Sirius had cut back a lot recently. He’d admitted in one of their nastier fights that Remus was becoming unbearable to be around when he drank. In the end they’d both agreed they had probably been overdoing it. This came as a great relief to James, who was getting a bit sick of having to cover up for Sirius’ hangovers at work. A quick potion in the morning only went so far when it was a daily problem.

He knew he’d been awful to be around since the missions started. It had just been so hard to leave it all behind when he came home. He could still feel those places on his skin, smell it on himself. The person he had to be on those missions, he couldn’t just shut it off when he returned. It lingered. Even when he managed to pretend to go back to normal, he could still feel it in him. He knew Sirius was right though. It was becoming unbearable.

So Sirius had cut back on the drinking, just like he said. Remus had too. For a few weeks, anyway. Enough time to prove to himself that he could stop if wanted to, after which point, he figured it was really his business. As long as he kept his composure when he and Sirius were together then it didn’t seem to matter. Things had been good lately, so it was clearly under control.

As they were laying there, Sirius running his hands absently through his lover’s hair, the empty scratch of a record that had long since finished playing, they felt more content than they had been for a long time.

“We should have a dinner party,” said Sirius abruptly.

“What, here?” asked Remus, looking up at Sirius from his lap.

“Sure, invite the whole gang over. It feels like forever since we’ve all been in the same room.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s a great idea,” he agreed.