I Broke The Girl I Loved

The Hidden Beach

I drove back out to the edge of Dankwoods and got out of my car. From there I took the short walk through the woods to the clearing by the cliff overlooking the ocean. This cliff would soon become a place where I spent most of my time. It's calming to gaze across the ocean, hearing birds chirp and waves crash against rocks. The breeze brushes past me and takes my troubles away with it. I sit at the edge, and as I sit I think. I think not about the moments that came before this or the moments that will come after, I just think about this moment; being here on this cliff looking out at the vast ocean in front of my eyes.

Sometimes I wonder how deep the ocean truly goes and what secrets lie within those depths. Us, as humans, know more about the darkness surrounding our planet than the oceans that rest next to the grounds we walk on. I know more about Science and English and History and Math than I do about myself. It's strange to think that I know more about these subjects in school than I do about the thoughts and feelings that reside in my mind. I barely know what I truly feel but I have learned to control my feelings, to an extent.

When my mom first left I was clueless. My three year old mind believed she'd be back but as the days went by I questioned that. Then when days turned into weeks I doubted that. Then when weeks turned into months I started losing hope and finally those months turned into years and I realized she wasn't coming back. The moment I was old enough to know that she'd left for good I started to blame myself. My parents were married for seven years before having me. Then I was born and three years later she left. She spent three years with me and decided she didn't want me, she didn't want this family so she packed up and left. I saw her occasionally but I viewed her as a stranger rather than the woman who had given birth to me. When Evie came along I felt that I had been replaced and that made my relationship with my mom worse.

Evie was born when I was nine, six years after my mom left. That was enough time for her to move on from us to some other family, a family that she stayed with. Maybe she wanted a girl and when she had a boy she was disappointed. She tried it out for three years and ditched when she was over it.

I was ten when the bad thoughts started creating a home in my brain. Ten years old and I had thought about leaving the world. I thought if she was better off without me than maybe my dad was too. The bullying only made it worse. Kids would tell me I was useless so that's why my mom left, or how my parents made a mistake so that's why my mom left, or how I wasn't good enough for anyone so I should leave; although they phrased the last one differently.

The day Evie was born my mom called my dad. She asked if I would come down for the weekend to meet the new baby. I said 'no'. I spent that weekend in my room doing everything I could to take my mind off of my mom and her new family. My dad spent countless nights after that weekend explaining to me how my mom didn't just abandon us, she had her reasons for leaving. I was hurt and all these years I thought I didn't hate her but thinking back to it now, I realize I did hate her. I hated her so much it consumed me. My every thought was somehow focused towards her. Hating myself started from thinking I wasn't good enough because she left. My want to succeed in school started from my desire to go to college as far away from my mom as possible and in order to achieve that I needed good grades. Me not branching out to make friends started from the fear of not wanting to get hurt by someone the same way my mom hurt me. All these years my life revolved around her and she wasn't even in it.

I thought about all of this as I spotted a patch of dirt towards the left of where I was sitting. I got up and walked over to it. There was a path that ran down to the right along the side of the cliff. I checked my phone to see that it was 2pm meaning I had time before I needed to get home. Looking back at the path I couldn't see where it ended and my curiosity took over as I started descending down it. It was a straight dirt path only about three feet wide. Ten minutes into the walk I began to see sand cover the dirt and the sound of the waves I had heard from the top of the cliff were much louder. I continued walking until the path ended and I was standing on a secluded beach.

I removed my shoes and socks and sunk my feet into the warmth of the sand. I closed my eyes and breathed in, the salt in the air filling my nostrils. The beach was small and enclosed by the sides of the cliff. Right next to the path was a huge black rock, far taller than me, and next to that rock were smaller black rocks. Waves crashed up against them sending a mist of salt water in my direction. I walked past the rocks and further along the beach. The sand was white and as fine as powdered sugar. The clear crystal blue waves crashed along the shore, pushing the sand further up the beach before pulling it back into the sea. A single log rested near the shoreline and as I approached it the ends of my jeans became wet with the salt water from the waves. I sat down on the log and took in my surroundings.

From down here the cliff looked like a distant memory, hidden away by faint clouds. I stayed sitting on that log with my thoughts. It was getting late and as I watched the sky change from a blue to pinks and oranges, while the sun fell, I couldn't help but think about how much Aydrian would like this. If she loves watching leaves change during autumn I bet she loves watching the sky change colors too. It bothered me that that was what I thought as I watched the sunset because I had done a good job of keeping her name out of my mind for the majority of my time here. The sun set and I checked my phone to see that the time was 6:25pm. I walked back up the dirt path to the clearing by the cliff before walking through the woods and back to my car. I got inside and drove home.

                                        •••
The house was empty when I arrived home. A note was left on the counter but I didn't bother reading it assuming that it was from my dad saying something about how they went out for dinner and would be back at a set time. I headed straight for my bathroom and into the shower. My shower was quick and I had a pair of sweats on in no time. I was too tired to make food so I didn't eat and instead brushed my teeth. Once I was done brushing my teeth I laid in bed and let my thoughts consume me once again.