ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK

eleven

11; because i realized you'll never get to read any of the letters i wrote you

dearest slendy,

a few nights back, i found all the letters i wrote to you sitting in the hand-made envelope labeled jasmine, jam & butterfly. i can't promise that this will be the last letter i write to you but i can promise that this will be the first and last i'll allow anyone to see.

that one time we were on call when i was in a room full of people, i told you i needed to return the phone soon and here's what you told me: don't reply, just listen and pretend this never happened. i love you.

that was the first time you said that eight-lettered phrase to me.

each time you texted me those same phrases, you kept saying i didn't need to say it back.

and the first time i ever said it, the words were out of my mouth before i even realized. love can never be hidden. it always finds a way out.

another time we played 21 questions, you got so serious during your last question / you asked me, be mine? / but i laughed it off with a pass.

i told you my favorite one-syllable word was stay but i realized that only after you used that word alongside my name.

(i need to sleep
– stay a while, won't you?
you should be studying. i'm a bad influence.
– i like bad influences. especially if it's you. stay, stay, stay.)

you said you didn't like talking for long periods of time and i laughed and pointed out that our call was running on for six hours and you said “that’s different, talking to you feels like talking to myself”.

the first time i wrote you a poem, you said i was the first one to do so. here's another one you'll never get to read:

we loved each other on borrowed time / but i swear it was true down to the smallest dime / pushing and pulling too hard / until the lines blurred / but we've both had bad eyesights / we were best friends before lovers / our intimacy thriving despite me refusing to give us a label / i'm sorry it wasn't enough to make you stay / i keep making the same old mistakes / sleepless nights dialing up your number with the airplane mode on / because i'm scared of the consequences / wondering why i let myself fuck things up for the umpteenth time / but rest assured / i'll cut my hands off before i allow myself to reach out to you again

the second night after you asked me if i'd lost feelings in the slightest, you said you couldn't do it anymore. but a few days before that, i sent you pictures of the sunrise and you said we'd watch them together some day.

me
i want to eat noodles
when that day comes

you
Please I don't think I
can for the next century

me
don't
but after that century eat with me

three weeks after, i deleted our conversation because i knew i'd want to go back and read.

the night before the night i found the letters, i dreamt of being invited to your wedding. the next day, i found out you've found someone new.

my cathexis, my catharsis, my oasis.
i'm sorry for chasing a mirage when you were right there.
you're so beautiful, i'll never be sorry or grateful enough.

goodbye.

wholeheartedly, rina

(A/N)
this is all over the place but i need to let it go or i'll go crazy from trying to edit.

also hi i haven't slept for 2 days, send help ;-;