Magcon Imagines and Preferences

Matthew Espinosa Imagine

WARNING THIS CONTAINS SELF HARM
I am not writing this to make you cringe or to praise cutting or suicide. I am writing this because 1) it was a request and 2) I want everyone to know that cutting is not the answer to things neither is anorexia, bulimia, or killing yourself.
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You were currently in your bathroom, staring at yourself in the mirror. No, you hadn't done anything to yourself. Yet. You had tears running down your face even though you tried desperately to hold them back. You watched as they fell from your eyes to your cheek creating a small sort of stream.
You were alone, you weren't really even getting hate. Well you were but you could handle the hate that came with being Matt's little sister. It was just that you didn't have any friends or any one to talk to.
Matt and his friends didn't count because you just couldn't connect with them.
You were alone and you had no idea what to do about it. Your parents had died in a car accident just a year ago and that left you vulnerable. They were really the only people you ever hung out with. You found it hard to make friends and at first you couldn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with her, but gradually over time you accepted that you just weren't good enough to be their friend.
You didn't want to feel this way about yourself, you knew it wasn't right and you knew this was something you shouldn't do. You never thought you would do this to yourself yet here you are. Staring at the very girl you had come to hate.
Yourself.
You lifted your hand and wiped the tears off of your face. You took a deep breath and looked at your feet. It was a nervous habit you had had ever since you were a little kid. You didn't like having to hurt yourself but you did it because you constantly were reminded of how awful you were and how you couldn't make friends and how you weren't good enough to be in this world.
You wanted to learn restraint but it was hard.
But not today. Today you wiped your eyes and opened the bathroom door, leaving unharmed.
For today.
You spent the rest of the day reading because it was like your safe haven. When you read you were engulfed in an entirely different world and you couldn't be reminded of the problems that were in your life while you were busy trying to live someone else's. Reading was your escape and you knew it was okay to have an escape.
*Next Day*
You were in your bathroom once again. Staring at yourself in the mirror, but there were no tears this time. There was only blood. You weren't even angry at yourself you just wanted to be angry at yourself because then maybe you would have an excuse for why you cut yourself. But really it was that you wanted to feel the pain. The cutting had become addicting even though you tried so hard to control it. Some days you just wanted to feel the blood run down your arm and drip into the sink.
"Anna? Where are you?" Matt called.
"Sh*t," You said under your breath. You tried to wash the blood off of your arm and to stop the bleeding but it wasn't stopping, it usually took 15 minutes to completely stop. Well you at least needed to hide the blade. You opened the cupboard and quickly threw it in right as Matt walked through the door.
You pulled your arm behind your back, praying that the blood wouldn't drip to the floor.
"Don't you knock?" You ask.
"Sorry I was just wondering if you-WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" He shouts as he points to the floor. Your heart accelerates and you look to the ground but you don't see blood, instead you see a spider.
"AHH!" You screamed and quickly jumped behind Matt and grabbing his shoulders to duck for cover. "Matt get it," You whimpered. He rolled his eyes and groaned but he got a tissue or five and killed it.
"Okay as I was saying," He said as he dusted his hands off on each other. "Anna. What's that?" He asks timidly with a scared look in his eye as he points to your arm that was exposed from when you jumped behind him. You quickly pulled it behind your back wanting desperately for everything to go away. He wasn't supposed to find out, this wasn't supposed to happen to you! Why! WHY DID HE HAVE TO FIND OUT! You wanted so desperately to take everything back so Matt wouldn't look so hurt.
"Matt don't," You warn him and step back.
"No Anna please I can't understand, why would you do this to yourself?" He asks with tears now forming in his eyes and he ran to you and wrapped his arms around you in a hug.
"That's the thing, I don't even know anymore at this point I just can't stop. I'm not good enough to have friends," You kept repeating softly over and over again as the tears ran down your face. You didn't want Matt to see you like this. His little sister all cut up and torn to pieces and tears running down your face. No. That wasn't what it was supposed to be like.
"Anna, I love you and I can't bare to see you like this and I know that you love me and you know I can't bare to see you like this but right now we need to focus on you loving yourself. I know that I should call a person who specializes in this but I know that will make you uncomfortable and as your legal guardian I am going to let you choose what you want to do and how you want to pursue it," He says.
"But I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't have any friends all I do is read and listen to music," You say.
"Well do you like to sing?" He asks. You thought about it.
"I guess but I am not any good," You say.
"Well I have never heard you sing so we will see when I take you to a recording studio," he says.
"No Matt I don't want that, you're making me uncomfortable," You say. His expression quickly morphs into one of concern and he backs off.
"Okay if you don't feel comfortable with that then let's think of something else," He says. His eyes had gone down to your arm and he reached for a wash cloth and gently laid it on top. "Do you like making things? Like sewing?" He asks and you shake your head.
"What about drawing?" He asks and you shake your head again. He thought for a while longer.
"What about writing?!" He exclaimed and you thought about it. You had always loved writing and AP Literature was your best class.
"I guess I could give it a try, but where would I start?" You ask.
"Well I have some friends I can hook you up with and we can see where it goes, or you can start writing at home and we will take it step by step," He says.
"I like the step by step option better," You mumble.
"I thought you would," He said. "Look Anna you said you don't have any friends but you have me and you have the guys."
"But their not my friends," You say. "They are your friends that I occasionally say hi to when they come over to hang out with you. But also we just don't have a lot in common. You all are so loud and I am like the complete opposite. Quiet and shy and I write and read books," You whisper.
"Wait, you like to write, do you write poetry?" He asks.
"Yeah," You say confused as to where he is going.
"Well if you were up to it you could help my friend Shawn write lyrics for his song. You two probably have the most in common out of all the guys," He says.
"Um well I can give it a try but which one is he?" You ask.
"The really tall one with dark hair and is from Canada," Matt describes.
"Oh okay, yeah he is nice," You say with a small smile. "But can we wait a few days I don't want to just jump right into it," You tell Matt.
"Of course Anna, but please don't ever do this again," He pleads.
"I will try my best," You tell him. You didn't want to make any promises that you couldn't be sure that you would keep.
"Where's the blade?" He asks and you stiffen.
"In the cabinet," You mumble. Matt gets up and goes to the cabinet and finds the blade. You hadn't had time to wash it off so it still had your blood on it. You saw tears form again in Matt's eyes as he stared at it.
"Matt please don't cry it's not your fault," You plead.
"I know it's not my fault but I should have noticed. I'm your brother and I didn't notice that you were depressed. I'm an awful big brother," He says to himself as he continues to stare at the blade.
"No Matt stop. I don't want to see you like this just as much as you don't want to see me like this," You say showing him your arm. "But please you have to realize that I didn't want you to find out," You tell him.
Matt left the room with the blade and came back a minute later.
"Where did you go?" You asked him curiously.
"To throw the blade away," He said and you nodded. He then wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you both walked out of the bathroom.
You may have scars but you have another thing too. Hope.
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I have never self harmed and I don't know what it is like for someone to do this and I don't know how it is handled when someone finds out about it. I have thought about it before but I never did anything. Please realize that your life is precious no matter what you think and I want you here.
Much Love,
Rose(: