When the Heart is Ash (I'll Savor Your Warmth)

Stained Steel

When you learn to ignore certain things, they disappear from your daily routine.

Endeavor burns Shouto when he's six, a large handprint leftover on his stomach because Shouto fell asleep too deeply and should've heard his father. It happens twice more until Shouto learns his lesson. Shouto ignores the pain of everlasting heat, and it's easier to cope that way.

He ignores the pit in his stomach when he realizes mother isn't coming back.

And the scar, the way blinking has become more of a task the more it heals and becomes tighter. The way his sight is becoming more impaired, like the doctor predicted, like father predicted.

He ignored the emotion he would get when he used to hear Natsuo and Fuyumi crying to the maid at night. He's broken the feeling down to be either sadness or anger, according to their definitions.

Learning to ignore emotion, to numb your mind, doesn't exclude happiness. Shouto doesn't think he's felt such a thing. His body experiences small moments. His lips will turn upward at times, when someone says something reassuring, or he's done something that earns him praise. His heart stops in his chest and it's an emotion he can't decipher.

It feels like guilt does, however numb that feeling is, too.

Shouto thinks happy things happen to him. He knows his body reacts. His mind, he, does not.

"Feeling alright?"

Shouto nods to Uraraka, bending his arms for another pushup. He hasn't slowed, he's learned to ignore the sore pain of training. Uraraka is strong, she's keeping up well.

Endeavor must have not accounted for the fact that Shouto has no talent. He's been training for his entire life, and his classmates only a year and a half. They're already better than him. Quirks aside, Uraraka and Kirishima, Sato, and most of 1-A are much stronger than him. He doesn't know why, which is... frustrating. It means his pain has been for nothing, and all of the training to be the best, also for nothing.

Uraraka seems to have quit, stepping forward from her stance and panting, "You're really strong, Todoroki. It seems like you could go on forever."

Shouto follows, standing and stretching his arms out. "What now?"

Uraraka jumps into his space the way she always does, and it still catches him by surprise.  It's obvious what her striking hand will do: she's going to hit the side of his head with her arm.

Shouto ducks, turning around with bent knees and jumping backward. She took his conversation as a moment of distraction. Gunhead must've taught her that.

"Woah! Nice reaction time!" She doesn't let the praise sink into his brain before she's running at him again, leg making contact with his hip. He hardly staggers, it was a foolish place for her to hit.

Uraraka is small. She doesn't let that deter her. She's still strong and quick and her evasive maneuvers are something Shouto will never be able to master. Endeavor didn't want another small child. He thought of Touya as the runt, Natsuo was just as useless, and the sexism he showed Fuyumi was unjustified. He willed Shouto to be born strong. To grow up tall and buff like himself.

Mom must've willed Shouto to be slender like her, so maybe she wouldn't have to sacrifice another child.

When Uraraka shows that she's not going to step back and let Shouto take the first hit, he takes a wide stance, stationary in his movements. She continues on, running at him full force, taking him head-on. With the trajectory she's running at, Shouto knows hitting her won't work.

He lifts his knee, swiveling his hips and striking out with his heel. He kicks hard, sending her back by her stomach. She falls back, surprise in her expression and face going pale. For a minute, she looks panicky, and Shouto knows he's knocked the wind out of her.