What The People Don't See

Mystery Man

I clutched the edge of the toilet bowl, my breath coming fast and heavy. Faint scrawls of light danced before my eyes and my throat felt like a chainsaw had just been lodged in there, switched on. I focused on the water below me long enough to see that it was practically clear. Not good enough. A sigh rattled through me as I heaved myself over the bowl once more, my arms wobbling and jerking under the effort of simply raising my head.

Before I could think twice about it, I shoved two fingers down my throat.

"Stella! Eloise is on the phone! Something about Jake's new haircut!"

"IT'S JOSH!!!!!!" Eloise screamed through the receiver.

"Holy guacamole, are you trying to make me deaf?" Toby shouted back, pounding up the stairs. I stood up too quick and blood rushed to my head. Leaning against the door, I reached over and flushed the toilet before quickly splashing water on my face.

Toby was just about to knock when I swung the door open, hitting him in the face. The house phone went flying through the air before smashing against the bathroom wall and landing in the toilet. We watched as it sunk to the bottom, Toby clutching at his bloody nose.

"Is it just me or can you still hear Eloise hammering on?" he asked, wiping his face with his sleeve. Knowing that Mum would probably murder me if she spotted the damage done to her precious baby boy, I tossed him the roll of toilet paper. He ripped two strips off and shoved them up either nostril before admiring himself in the mirror. "Whoa! I'm right sexy when I'm bloodied up! Everyone will think I was in a fight."

"Yeah, with a fucking door" I scoffed. "Now shoo, I have to get ready for this gig".

I pushed past him and opened the cabinet over the sink. The bottle of pills on the second shelf was much emptier than it had been less than an hour ago. They had to be gone. Now.

It's nothing, Stella, it was just an accident. Just a teeny little fuck up on your behalf.

I grabbed the bottle, popped open the cap and shook the remaining pills down the sink. Once they're gone from my sight, I figure they no longer exist. No more throwing up that wasn't directly related to alcohol.

"I thought you were better."

Toby still stood by the door, bloodstained tissue hanging from his nose. He looked like he'd just been deflated, had the happiness sucked right out of him.

"You're supposed to take no more than 60mg per day because if you overdose on Adderall, it can result in cardiovascular problems or even sudden death."

I smiled. "You sound like Dad."

"They're also supposed to be taken on a daily basis, Stella. So you can prevent things like this from happening" he gestured towards his nose.

Anger bubbled up inside me. I didn't need another lecture, especially after Dad's twenty minute speech on how ADHD did not define me as a person. "I hope you let loose tonight Screwball" he'd said, ruffling my hair. "You should never let anything hold you back, okay?" Sometimes Dad and Tobz talked about it too much, so much so that it did my head in. Mum preferred to pretend that it didn't exist. It was the only thing I could agree with her on. I slowly clenched my fists, allowing the anger to flow past me and out the window. There was no point in loosing my shit now.

"You're eleven, you wouldn't understand" I said and I quickly walked to my bedroom, slamming yet another door in Toby's face.

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Eloise insisted that I take the car to London. I wanted to take the train because taking the car meant no vodkas for me. We played rock paper scissors over it and my scissors were horrifyingly crushed.