What Once I Was

Chapter 4

I'd never heard from the parents again, or Twin B. Not until she found me. I thought maybe I'd be riddled with guilt upon seeing her for the first time, but I felt... nothing. She was a stranger and nothing more. It was as though she'd never inhabited space in my womb.

Time had crept by slowly for the remainder of my shift. The baby's club had long since dispersed before 5 o'clock rolled around and the remainder of the afternoon had been uneventful.

A few visitors wanting to return books, collect recycling bags. The usual. With the lights humming to sleep behind me, my colleague Wendy and I stepped into the cold.

I'd held my breath half expecting to see Twin B waiting somewhere outside. She was not. A few dog walkers and school children trudged the grounds ignoring us. The air escaped my chest as I waved goodbye to Wendy and climbed into my car.

She's out of our lives for good this time. I repeated this mantra as my car gurgled down the streets towards home. I made a mental note to take it to a local garage soon and find out what was causing the god awful noise.

Sat in standstill traffic my phone buzzed on the passenger seat. I know you shouldn't answer the phone whilst driving, but technically my car wasn't moving , so I clicked the green icon and listened as Robert's voice filled the space.

"You need to get home as soon as possible,"

He sounded urgent, frightened almost.

"What's happened?"

My thoughts raced to Twin B. Had she found my home address? Approached Robert? Did he know?

"It's the police. They're here. They want to talk to the both of us."

The line of cars before me began to slowly ease forward. Shifting the hand break back up my car screamed back to life. The police? Fuck!

"I'm on my way. Traffic's moving now, I should be home in about ten, fifteen minutes."

"Just hurry. It's bound to be important if they're here waiting for you too."

The phone clicked and silence resumed . My knuckles turned white against the steering wheel as the line of cars stops and starts over and over. Sweat beaded against my temple, breathing shallow.

"Come on. Come on. Yes! No! Oh come on!" I banged my palms against the horn earning an obscene gesture from the driver in front. I need Ed to get home.

It took well over fifteen minutes, closer to thirty, before my house rolls into view. Robert stands looking through the living room waiting for my arrival. He waved frantically, the urgency of the situation deepening his wrinkles.

Deep breath in, you can do this.

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Two officers sat either side of our cream leather sofa - I'd never have dared have such a sofa if Naomi was still with us, kids making horrendous messes as you know.

Their faces were solemn as they stood removing their hats. My legs buckled beneath me as the male began to speak. I scarcely noticed Robert easing me into the matching armchair.

"I'm so sorry. We've found a child's remains and we have reason to believe it may be Naomi."

The woman reached a hand out to me, resting it upon my arm. She smiled sadly, her honeydew eyes speckled with tears.

"We know it's not what you ever wanted to hear. As soon as we know more we will let you know. Again I am so sorry."

Robert and I say nothing. Am I meant to scream? Shout? Be in denial? How am I meant to react? Robert's hand squeezed my shoulder. A silent, subtle warning to act normal. To give the officers what they want and nothing more.

I laid my hand over his and let out the best earsplitting wail I can muster. Robert's thumb stroked the back of my hand, a sign he was content with my response.

The officers looked at one another, clearly concerned for my well being at the information they'd divulged.

"I'll go make you a warm cup of tea Mrs Collins." The woman offered before scampering out of the room in search of our kitchen.

I heard her pottering about, opening and closing cupboard doors in search of mugs, cutlery and what not. The remaining officer, Robert and I sat in near silence, my wailing subsiding into hiccups and the occasional sniffle. I was quite the actor if I do say so myself.

"Where was she?" Robert's voice was thick with emotion, equally strong in the acting department. I found myself almost convinced.

"A local dog walker stumbled across the remains in a field not too far from here earlier today. At this stage we don't know much but it seems an animal had dug where the remains were found."

A field. But that means! My heart stopped momentarily, a genuine sob making its escape. They really could have found Naomi. Robert's grip tightened, it took all my strength to fight the wince that rose.

"When will you know if it really is our daughter?"

The female office finally returned balancing four steaming mugs on a battered tray I refused to part with. A gift from my mother. The male officer waited until she'd handed each of us our drink and returned to her spot before he continued.

"It's hard to say. The remains were... completely decomposed and the clothing that remained badly damaged. We'll have to wait for dental records and our anthropologist to determine the child's age and sex before we will know if it is Naomi," he glanced at me a little too long for my liking. "I really am sorry. It's not news we like to give. We can only offer our condolences at this stage and pray that if the remains are not Naomi's, that she's safe. Even after all this time."

No one drank. No one moved. Each of us lost in our thoughts. If it wasn't Naomi then who was it? Whose child had been found? My heart ached for whatever parent out there was living a similar conversation.

"Thank you for your time officers. If you don't mind, my wife and I would like to grieve privately."

The police officer nodded, placing his hat back onto his head before rising his mug untouched on our side table. The female followed suit pausing long enough to hold my hand and whisper her condolences. I listened as the door clicked shut behind them before turning to Robert.

His face was red, twisted with foam at his mouth. I shrunk back. It had been a long while since I'd seen the start of his pure rage. Instinct knew he would become uncontrollable very quickly.

"I knew they'd find her," he bellowed his mug flying past my face missing by mere inches. Dark liquid oozed down the grey walls, China splintering over the carpet. I flinched. "This is your damn fault. You had to insist on the fucking field. You stupid bitch!"

My mouth hung open, words trapped in my throat. There was nothing I could say. He was right after all. I had insisted on burying our daughter beneath the oak tree near the field. She'd loved playing hide and seek there. It had seemed the right spot for her final resting place.

Rover bounded in, the commotion having disturbed his nap. Robert's demeanour softened as he scratched the pooch's ear. I could always count on Rover to deescalate any situation.

"I'm going to walk the dog. Get this mess cleaned up while I'm gone. I sincerely hope you're in bed by the time I'm back. I'm sick of the sight of you."

The poison in his tone had stung but still I said nothing. I simply hung my head in submission and scurried to the kitchen in search of a clean cloth and dust pan and brush. The house shook as Robert left. When silence fell my anguish and humiliation broke free.

If he had just learned to control his temper we would never have needed to bury our daughter. If he had been the man he should have been she would still be with us.

Taking care not to cut myself I cleared the carpet of large fragments of the mug before scrubbing the walls and hoovering. The three, now freezing, cups of tea in hand I loaded the dishwasher and made my way to bed.

It was to be a long night of listening out for Robert. Of trying to sleep in spite of the terror I faced. The dilemma Robert and I now faced. I knew deep down we had to be certain the child found that day was not Naomi.