What Once I Was

Chapter 19

My head pounded the next morning, a puddle of vomit on the pillow beside me. I gagged at the stench, pulling my hair from the remnants of the little that I'd eaten the night before. Vague memories reared their sleepy heads; anger induced tornadoes, storms of tears weaving in and out in an out of sync dance. It was hard to grasp everything that had happened after that conversation, or lack thereof, with Robert.

Rubbing my forehead, trying to ease the stubborn migraine that had made itself comfortable, I forced myself out from beneath the sheets. It was futile hiding away and pretending the damage hadn't already been done. I needed to see if I could salvage anything. God help me.

The feeling of gratitude washed over me when I found the downstairs in pretty good shape. Only empty liquor bottles spread along the kitchen floor needed to be sorted. Nothing a black bag and a few seconds of my life couldn't fix. I had sorted it within a matter of minutes. Flashes of Naomi's room peeled away at my memory. Guilt hit like a train. I couldn't go into that room, see what I had done, without someone here for support. And there was only one person I trusted enough for such a task. Sophie.

I was vague when ringing her, and as always, she was ready and willing to come to my rescue with little warning. I paced the house, sticking to the lower floors, twirling the wedding band on my finger as I waited. She would be there any moment. God, I felt sick. I hated being vulnerable to anyone, much less Sophie with her ever optimistic views of life.

"Hey girl! Where are you?"

Her voice was uncertain, cautious even. I'd never heard that in her before. I could hear her heels tapping across the floor as she searched each room for me. When she found me, I was sitting with my head in my arms, tears rolling down my cheeks on the conservatory floor.

"Hey, hey, hey! What's wrong?"

Her arms were around my shoulders, pulling me in before I could protest. Have you ever had that moment, the one where you're able to hold everything together, at least a little, until someone asks you if you're okay? This was that moment for me.

"Ro-Robert's l-left me-me"

She holds me, saying nothing as I shudder, the sobs aching my chest. Nothing had really sunk in fully until that moment. I'd buried my head deep into the sand, as I always did. I couldn't breathe, nose running as my face swelled and reddened. Next to Sophie and her made up appearance, I looked diabolical. 

"It's okay. I've got you, I've got you"."

She shushes, laying my head on her lap while stroking my hair. Like a child, I cling to her legs, afraid of what might happen should I let go. I'm not quite sure how much time passes, neither of us moving as I let all the hurt burst free, but it felt like a lifetime. When finally composed to the best of my ability, given the severity of the situation, I pulled myself up, wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve, and sniffed loudly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sophie asked.

I nod, staring at a piece of wallpaper I hadn't until then noticed was peeling away. Cracks in our house and our marriage. My life truly was falling apart. She rubbed my shoulder, grunting as she hauled herself from the ground.

"I'll go make us a cuppa then. Get your arse on that sofa and under a blanket. I won't be long."

I obeyed instantly, not wanting to face the anger of yet another person. With nothing to do but wait and listen to the clink of metal against china, I let the hazy memories of the night before return. My behaviour from the night before appalled me. Unlocking my phone, I scrolled through the endless stream of abusive messages I'd sent Robert. He hadn't responded to a single one after the videos. I knew he was furious.