What Once I Was

Chapter 11

I awoke stiff, tired, and frustrated. Perhaps sleeping on the sofa wasn't my finest idea. Even my morning caffeine fuel couldn't ease the tension that crippled my spine. My body cracked with each movement as I lowered myself onto the dining chair, the steam from the mug easing my sinuses - I hated hay-fever, even more so on a poor night's sleep.

Robert, bright eyed and bushy tailed, made his way about the house with a little spring in his step. The sound of his humming floated off the walls and down the stairs, a melody with the sound of the shower. It was sickening. It should be illegal for anyone to be that cheerful in the morning, never mind when the world is falling off its axis. 

His mind couldn't have been further from where mine had cowered. I couldn't fathom being so calm amid a violent storm. The cell door was moments away from slamming shut in my face, and I could do nothing to prevent it.

I couldn't stay in town. I needed to leave, to find somewhere far enough away that I could begin again, afresh, away from the prying eyes, from the memories that haunted me. I would never survive a life away from the luxury I had lived with Robert. Though we were by no means rich, we lived comfortably on both of our incomes. 

The person who should have been by my side, who should have comforted me, told me everything would be fine and helped me find a resolution, was in a world of his own, just out of arm's reach. In that moment I hated him, something I had never felt before. I felt so utterly betrayed and alone. I took my frustration out on the cushion I was plumping for the third time that morning. I hadn't stopped to rest since the night before, sleep had been almost non existent, my nightmares tormenting me when I had been able to drift off. 

I waited and watched the clock until eleven am rolled around. I became antsy waiting for Robert to say his goodbyes to Rover before heading for work. For the first time in years, I was thankful for Robert's job taking him away from home for days at a time. I would have ample time to collect my thoughts and decide my next steps, to make certain before undertaking any drastic measures. I couldn't afford to mess things up any further than they already were.

As if on cue, Rover's claws scratched on the laminate flooring as he bounded up and down at Robert.

"All right, boy. I'll see you soon."

He altogether ignored my presence, as usual. The tightening of my chest, the tears that brimmed my eyes, betrayed my attempts to mask the hurt. I never wanted Robert to know just how much his lack of affection impacted me daily. Though I suspect even if I had sobbed, had screamed at him telling him how I felt, he would still have been completely oblivious. 

————

"I know I've asked before, but if the relationship was as awful as you say, I don't understand why you wouldn't just leave."

A familiar tension enveloped my body, causing tremors in my hands and feet, the tap, tap, tap against metal chair legs further heightening my anger. Does no one understand what it's like to stay with someone for no other reason than love? A deep insatiable love, the kind that drives you crazy, that possesses you to put them atop a pedestal, out of reach of prying hands desperate to steal them from you.

Ben looks at me, anticipating my response, analysing my every move, every word that I utter. I vow to give him no satisfaction. To only give the information I want to; not a morsel more to quench his hunger.

Gary has avoided looking my way since I let slip about my deceit during my pregnancy. He's ashamed of me. He's no longer on my side. I'm alone.

Again.

"I loved... love him. More than I ever had anyone else"

"Anyone?" Ben repeats.

I know what he is implying. That I love Robert more than I loved Naomi. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't the case. When Naomi was born, that earth shattering moment that new mothers boast about never made its way to me. I held this tiny human, covered in gunk and blood and felt... not quite nothing, but not something powerful like I had believed I would.

I loved her, I'm certain of that much. Despite the exhaustion and the lack of real human interaction, I loved being with Naomi. I loved painting her hands and creating wonderful masterpieces on blank canvases. I loved curling up in her bed and reading whatever story she had dragged from her bookshelf that night.

I loved my daughter, but I was also insanely jealous of her. It was that invisible monster, its claws gripped relentlessly around my throat, that stopped me from loving her unconditionally. That prevented me from loving her more than her father, as a mother should have.

"More than anyone."

—————-

The house Robert and I had made home nearly three decades ago had aged alongside us. All carpets had become worn, furniture stained with endless memories, photographs that lined the walls, hiding cracks and chipped paint. This house had seen countless arguments. Our laughter had filled every corner. It had watched Naomi enter for the first time, had been a spectator as she drew her last breath. There was so much personal history that leaving seemed impossible.

My jaw tensed, eyes stung as I paced from room to room, running my hand along the walls as though I might merge with the wallpaper. Standing in the doorway of our bedroom, with my suitcase open on the bed, clothes spilling out, I almost caved.

The bed, simple oak frame adorned with my favourite daisy bedding. The matching bedside tables, my books lined in alphabetical order in mine, Robert's books chucked in any which way in his. Our slippers and pyjamas were at the foot of the bed waiting for another fitful night of two adults pretending their marriage hadn't fallen into shambles a long time ago.

With a heavy sigh, I took the three steps towards the bed and folded the few items of clothing I'd decided to take with me. Rover sat in the doorway, head cocked to one side, watching me like a confused child. I wanted to bring him with me, wherever that might be, but was sure he would cry for Robert the entire time. Yet, I couldn't leave him alone for two days. It would have been cruel.

I had no choice but to wait until Robert returned before I could make my escape. I had to confront him, to let him know that he'd pushed me to this point. Not that he would care. He'd given up on me a long time ago.

Suitcase now brimming, I slid it under the bed, pulled my pyjamas on - I saw little point in being dressed since I had no intentions of leaving the house other than to walk Rover - and flicked open the book I had almost finished. By the time Robert was to be home, I had little doubt I'd be well on my way to finishing another. I made a mental note to return the two I'd borrowed and seek something different, something exciting.

————-

"So you were planning on leaving your husband? Why the change of heart?" Ben asked, twirling a pen between his fingers.

"I'm not entirely sure I would have. In that moment, I was determined to leave, to find someone who would give me the love that I craved. When push came to shove, no matter what would have happened when Robert came home, I don't believe I would have had the courage to go through with it."

For the first time since he pulled me, kicking and screaming my innocence, into this dingy room, Ben looks at me with genuine sympathy.

"What happened when Robert came home? Was he angry? Uncaring? There seems to be a significant amount of distance between the two of you."

I close my eyes and take in a sharp breath. For the whole interrogation, I have been saying that. I loathe repeating myself.

"Yes. Things had been tense for a long time. I think Naomi was a large part of why we stayed together. Had we not shared that dreadful secret, I think we would have gone our separate ways."

I twiddle with the space where my wedding band once sat, the white flesh stark against the tan that had formed. Not wearing it had left me feeling naked and vulnerable. I didn't know how to function without such a key part of my identity.

Robert had stripped that choice away from me. I won't ever forgive him for that utter betrayal. I'm going to make sure he suffers until his dying breath.

He will not make me a fool of me ever again.