What Once I Was

Chapter 14

Three days had passed before Robert returned. A blue carrier bag laden with beers hung around his wrist. His mood was as foul as it had been when I last saw him, so I kept out of his way as best as I could. Even Rover, who would spend the evenings curled around Robert's feet, seemed weary. A broken vase, yet another unfortunate victim of his rage, lay scattered in the bin's bottom, a broken picture frame on top of it. Piece by piece, he destroyed our home..

Only Naomi's room remained untouched.

Two plates of lamb stew on the table, a single plate of crusty tiger loaf in the centre, I braved talking to Robert for the first time since his return.

"Dinner is ready."

My voice was unrecognisable, unsteady and quiet. I sat, not moving, until Robert thumped down onto the wooden seat and started shovelling his food. He pulled the tiger bread towards him, a daring glare shot my way.

"No dumplings?" The sight of half-chewed food turned my stomach.

I shook my head. Robert huffed, but said nothing further on the matter. We sunk back into palpable silence, my head a whirl of words I dared not utter. I longed to know where he had been and who he had been with. The soft scent of blossoms soaked into his clothes taunted me, her name lost in the air between us. I said nothing.

"I'm going away again soon. Not sure how long I'll be gone."

"Okay."

I kept my gaze down, focussed on a singular herb floating through the gravy. I hadn't wanted stew, couldn't stomach the thought of anything containing the thick brown substance making its way past my lips, but Robert had insisted. No. Not insisted. Dictated.

"Okay? That's all you have to say? What you don't care anymore? Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here at all."

My mouth opened and closed, words lost to me. He did not give me the chance to answer, his plate already pushed forward, still full to the brim as he stood grumbling.

"That was the worst stew I've ever eaten in my life."

Still, I remained voiceless, unmoving. Still, I did nothing to defend myself for fear of facing his wrath once more.

I did nothing.

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"It sounds like life at home was awful for you, Mrs Collins."

I nod, still staring at my hands, picking at the skin around my nails. Awful didn't quite make the cut. Torture seemed more appropriate.

"There are women's refuges about, places that help people in abusive situations. Did you ever reach out to one?" Ben asks, his head tilted to one side.

I nod, still not meeting his eye.

"I did, just one. It didn't work out."

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The woman on the phone had sounded nice, approachable, trustworthy. I'd found the number for the refuge online, though I made sure to delete my search history afterwards, just to be on the safe side. Walking along the cobbled pathway, my heart felt as though it might fall out of my body. I'd never been so uncertain, so scared.

With just a small suitcase of belongings, things that I thought to be most important, I had left while Robert slept. I knew he would have been furious when he woke and found me gone. Or perhaps he'd be too drunk to notice right away. The anger he'd feel would be much worse if that were the case.

A portly, blonde-haired woman with an enormous smile on her face welcomed me, taking my suitcase and guiding me inside with a hand on the small of my back. She introduced herself as Vivian while pouring a cup of tea. The living room, if that is what you could call it, that we sat in was bare and dirty. Stains garnished the sofa, rim marks covered the entire coffee table. I'd perched on the edge of the cushion, feet together, hands on lap, not wanting to touch anything. It was so different from what I'd left behind.