Journal Entries

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Journal Entry no. 1 - Midnight Thoughts

People could usually think clearest if they're laying down on their beds or if they're taking a shower but since this is entitled as Midnight Thoughts, you can assume that it is the former.

Who showers at midnight? Okay, who am I to judge if some people do.

Midnight thoughts,

What do you usually think about during those hours?

My thoughts are scattered. Sometimes I'm thinking about my problems, what life is, what exactly is the meaning of fairness, and sometimes the meaning of the song that I've been listening to for hours or days, even weeks if it's really good.

This night though, my mind was bombarded by all of those things. I know that I'm being a drama queen but those were really the things that entered my mind.

Sometimes, I'm thinking about my problems.

What are those, exactly? Actually, there's only one problem that's bothering me: College.

I'm scared to enter college. I'm honestly freaking out. Throughout the year, all I wanted was to finish high school so I could enter a new phase but right now, I don't want to.

College means new stuff. I have to start from scratch. New friends. New teachers - or dare I say, professors. New environment. New things! Meaning stuff that are way out of your comfort zone.

To be honest, I'm a very sociable person. I can walk right into anyone and say Hi and then introduce myself but ya know, what if the person I talk to ignores me. I hate being rejected. I don't like rejection. At all. That's my main problem. I can deal with everything else except for this.

I guess I just have to wing it. Besides, school doesn't start at least, for another 3 or 4 months? Dunno. Long vacation.

What life is.

What exactly is life? What's it about? Is it about fulfilling your dreams? The meaning of life keeps me up at night. I once asked one of my friends about it and she told me: Life is a gift from God. I believe that, truly. God gave us life but what should we do with that life?

Should we throw it away? Of course, we shouldn't. Don't throw your life away because of something so... I don't know, stupid? I'm not being sarcastic. Don't throw away everything for one thing. Don't waste your life doing shitty things because you'll probably regret it in the end. You don't want to be haunted by what ifs.

Life is the thing that God gave so don't waste it? I guess that's what the meaning of life for tonight since it changes everyday.

What exactly is the meaning of fairness.

I remember our English teacher talking to the Honor students (us) about the word fairness and what he talked about was equality and how there's no such thing as equality.

There were two sides: the first side is the side of the girl who got to be the Valedictorian but some people (the other side and some of the senior students) don't understand how she became one when her competition is way smarter than her. And the second side, the Salutatorian's side, the girl that most people (I'm one of those) thought will get the first spot.

There was an obvious feud between the two sides. The second side was shouting for Fairness because the valedictorian (and her friends) got every curricular activities, hidden curricular activities, meaning activities that none of the second side knew.

The FS (First side) were filled with people who can't say what they're thinking, people whose too scared to fight or say what she thinks and the SS (Second side) is the complete opposite, you could probably see who looked like the villains.

So, our English teacher (which is also the Valedictorian's adviser) talked to us about the word fairness, the thing that we were shouting for. And we were extremely disappointed.

He said that fairness is the equivalent of equality and that there is no such thing as equality. He even shared some of his misfortunes when it came to that word. It was obvious that he's taking the Valedictorian's side instead of being neutral.

When we said that we want fairness, we meant that we wanted justice. He completely misunderstood what we're trying to say and along the process of trying to explain this to us, we got extremely offended. It didn't end well.

Fairness, what exactly is fairness?

The meaning of the song.

Kids Aren't Alright of Fall Out Boy.

I've been listening to this song for hours, now. I'm trying to figure out what it means.

And in the end
I'd do it all again.
I think you're my best friend.
Don't you know that the kids aren't al-, kids aren't alright?

I feel like he's talking about the things that he regretted doing but he won't change a thing because he won't be the person that he is right now if he didn't do those things. And that the sad memories (the best friend, I think?) that just stays their and people think that it's okay but in truth it isn't.

And I'll be yours.
When it rains it pours.
Stay thirsty like before.
Don't you know that the kids aren't al-, kids aren't alright?

Then the second part is about standing up again. When it rains it pours. Stay thirsty like before. I feel like that means don't ever give up and just push through it?

I don't know. I suck at this.

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Those were the things that I usually think about during midnight.

Yeah. So, this is journal entry no. 1. Thank you for reading, if you did. Haha!

J.