A Chance to be Loved

Chapter 21 - Yesterday's Desire

"Wait, hold on!" Sebastian snapped mid-sentence as I was tracing the past about Vince. "So, he's the one you were telling me about back then? The one who declared his love for you but you rejected him?" I put back the spoon in the bowl of macaroni soup, a bit disappointed that he wasn't paying attention during that time. It was the first time that I phoned him and I even asked him if we could meet because I wanted to tell him how Vince confessed to me. "Were you not paying attention to me during that time? I told you all about it back then, how I broke his heart when he confessed to me," I said. I started eating again but he remained quiet in front of me, maybe he noticed the disappointment on my face. "I'll be honest Sam, I wanted to be with you during that time, so bad that I was so caught up with my emotions and I wasn't able to grasp clearly what you were saying. I thought it wasn't a big deal so I didn't mind as long as you're with me."

I wasn't really sure on how to react about his honesty, if it wasn't a big deal for him, why would I even worry about being friends with Vince again? Without any further ado I asked Sebastian, "Do you mind if I'm going to meet Vince one of these days?" He suddenly left the table and headed straight to the fridge to get two bottles of soda. "Why?" he asked while handing me the bottle of soda. "I wanted to catch up some things with him. I wanted to know what he was doing while I was gone," I answered with a big smile on my face then I drank the soda. "No, I won't let you do that. I want you to cut him off. It would be better that way, I guess," Sebastian said. "WHAT?" I asked, almost choking from drinking. "What do you mean? Vince is my friend for a very long time. He's already my friend even before I met you. It never crossed my mind to cut him off; I don't cut off my friends. I'm sorry but I can't do that," I protested. "Listen Sam, he's a threat to me; he's a threat in our relationship. Do you really trust him that much?" he looked straight to me, pinning me down in my seat. "But he's my friend and I trust him," I said while tears were starting to brew in my eyes. "Look, you asked me if I would mind if you will meet him, you heard my answer. It's up to you, end of discussion. You're not well yet and arguing about Vince won't really help. I'm sorry but I really hope that you'll understand me too."

"Okay," I said in a low voice. Okay? It wasn't okay to me at all but seeing how threatened Sebastian about it made me realized that I would never win no matter how much I protect my friendship with Vince. Saying okay was much better than losing my chance to catch up with him.

It was already half an hour since Sebastian left and I'm stuck in bed with so much chaos inside my head. I wanted to sleep but whenever I try to close my eyes, Vince face would suddenly appear out of nowhere. I'm already engaged to Sebastian and I felt like I'm cheating already since I've been thinking about Vince. Cheating? No, not really. I would say it's a guilty feeling formed because of what I did to my friend. If only I wasn't too sharp when I rejected him, maybe it won't be awkward to start over, a fresh start in our friendship. I felt a little dizzy again so I decided to get out of bed to have a cup of tea. I turned the TV on, assuming there was a good show to watch but there was none so I turned it off and tossed the remote control on the table.

The night was so quiet and it feels like torture. I love the solitude but having friends around me made me realize that I love their loud voices and laughter a lot more. I never thought that it would be difficult to choose between love and friendship. Sebastian wanted me to cut off Vince but I think I would be too harsh, too mean and too cruel to do that. I couldn't afford to hurt Vince for the second time around; I value him so much and I would be willing to endure any pain that it would bring as long as I stay being a friend to him. I just hope that I don't really have to choose between them, it would be hard, I guess.

It was almost midnight when I finished unpacking my things from my trip in the countryside. I really had a good time with the Douglas family and what happened back there in the countryside didn't sink in to me yet. I got engaged and it was like a dream come true, too surreal to believe. I noticed a piece of paper slipped from my journal when I took it from the drawer inside my wardrobe. A green sticky note fell on the floor while I was about to turn my heel to get back in bed. I picked it up and I recall how I managed to exchange sticky notes with an unknown person.