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Chapter 22

Instead of Caleb eating anything at the Waffle House, I drove him to a Taco Bell at 2 in the morning.
He held my hand the whole time but he didn't say anything. He looked sleepy, but as for me I could stay awake for days. "Dont you want to get anything?", he asked me. At the Taco Bell drive thru, he was finally talking to me. He had ordered 5 soft tacos and when he seen that I wasn't eating, he poked my ribs. "Your losing weight. And I don't like it", he said. I rolled my eyes, scoffing at him. I haven't even seen a difference, so I assumed he was just exaggerating.
The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. But to make Caleb happy, I ordered a drink and some small fries.
As much as I had missed him, as much as I wanted to say something, I didn't. I drove, concentrating on every inch perimeter of the road. I could tell I was in for a long night because every time I turned my head, I thought Caleb was talking to me. Only to find out that he didn't even turn his head to speak. "Did you miss me?", I asked him.
His furrowed eyebrows lessened up a little bit as I interrupted his thoughts. "Ashley, of course I did. I missed your eyes looking at me half asleep. I missed you buttoning up all my shirts. I fucking missed the way you set your spoon to the top instead of the side. I even missed the holes you chew in your shirt sleeves. Your the only thing that keeps me going. Without you, I couldn't live with myself", he replied. For some reason this eased any tension I had. A smile crept up on my lips and Caleb mirrored it. He squeezed my hand. "The question is..Did you miss me?", he smirked.
His question almost hurt.
"Of course I missed you.. I seen your face everywhere. I had to get high just to forget that you were gone. I kept wanting to call you. Every night I couldn't sleep. The pain of not being able to wake up to those eyes, and not have any idea where you are or what your doing, hurts", I said. I summed up all the feelings I had been pushing away lately. But now that they were out there in the open, I couldn't hide that they were true. "Well I'm glad. Because if I didn't have you to miss me, my name wouldn't ever be spoken again", he said simply. But he must have no idea how many times I say his name in my sleep. How many times I scream it. It couldn't be said more. "I'll always miss you. Even when your right here. Because I know you'll be leave again soon", I admitted.
He leaned over, making me swerve the car a little and whispered,"I'm not leaving anymore. I'm right here. I'm right here". I kissed lips, but had to pull away before I truly got lost in them.
The rest of the drive home was filled with us laughing and throwing fries at each other. But something was digging at the back of my head. I wanted more. Though I wasn't sure of what..
The night sky was cloudy, hiding all the stars. The moon though, shone through a thin patch of clouds. Looking at it reminded me of summer.
It reminded me of the middle of a dandelion. A wish that most likely wouldn't ever come true. "Your beautiful, wow", Caleb randomly said. I looked at him, pulling into our neighborhood. "I'm really not. But thank you babe", I said. He laughed, mostly to himself and kissed me cheek. "Caleb! Your gonna make me hit a car. Stop it", I laughed. "Fuck it, hit a car," he said as he kissed my cheek again. This time, I playfully pushed him away and he sat down in the passenger seat. I only just now wondered where Caleb's truck was. But the lights were on at my house, down the street. That meant my mom was home and most likely wondering where I've been because she thought I was home this whole time. But she won't blame me for being a terrible daughter. Just like I try not to blame her for being a terrible mother. I pulled into the driveway and her car was indeed there, mocking me. Her boyfriend's car on the other hand was surprisingly not there. I cut the engine off, grabbing my drink and locking the doors after Caleb scurried out of the jeep. "Hey bitches", a voice said. I looked around, fearful that I was having more reality breaking auditory hallucinations. But when Caleb said, "Sup Ryan", I settled myself down. Maybe I wasn't going crazy. I squinted my eyes towards Ryan's front porch because my porch light didn't reach that far. Sure enough, Ryan was sitting on his steps smoking a cigarette. I waved at him and walked to my own front porch, Caleb following. I opened the door, lost in the dark, and found my way to my bedroom. Caleb collapsed on my bed and I put my drink on the nightstand.
I pulled back the back comforter and crawled in next to Caleb, happy to be next to him again. Allowing myself to believe he would be here from now on. At that second, my mom came into my room. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a mess on top of her head. She looked tired. "Where have you been? You weren't here after school", she said. Her voice didn't sound mad, just flaky and exhausted. "Sorry mom I didnt go today. Caleb needed me to get him because his dad kicked him out", I summed up everything important into one sentence she could comprehend. All she said was, "Ohh. Well Caleb you know I dont care if your here. You can live here, wouldn't bother me. And Ashley you have to text me about stuff sometimes", she said. I burried my head under my pillow, wanting to escape this small talk with my mom. But as he always did, Caleb spoke up,"She will don't worry. I know she can be an asshole sometimes".
He laughed with my mom for a moment before she returned to her room. I rolled over and met Caleb's eyes. I wanted to stare into them for hours. I probably could too. "I love you more than anyone else on this planet. Your all I have", he said slowly. I let the words wash over me. And I quietly replied,"Caleb you know I love you more than any other human. Your all I want."
To look into someone's eyes and see that they love you, is truly one of the best things in life. Because even though I was high on methamphetamine and my heart should have been racing, but It stopped for a second when I seen it in his eyes. I knew in that moment that I would be looking at those two blue eyes for the rest of my life. I just knew it.

I couldn't sleep that night. Apparently neither could Caleb but I was glad I didn't have to spend these wakeful hours alone.
He brushed my hair and finally asked what I thought he was going to ask a long time ago. "Did you do meth again?"
His fingers stopped brushing my hair for a second, a pause. I nodded my head and he continued to brush my hair. His fingers were soft, every touch made me more in love. I wasn't worried about him being mad at me. Though I didn't know what he was thinking. That worried me. Caleb sighed. "Think you could stop?", he asked me. All of a sudden, the thought of not having meth was abruptly the worst thing imaginable. I still had a little left over from when me and Zaya had shot up. It was what kept me alive when I didn't have Caleb because it made you forget pain even existed. I looked at Caleb, choosing my words carefully. "And what if I don't?", I muttered. I could see him flinch. Like I had hit him. "Well I'd have to make you.. It's not good for you. Please, trust me."
I shook my head. "Caleb, it's okay. I'm not addicted to it. I just... I don't know sometimes. I miss you so much. And it gets so easy..", I told him. He held me, squeezing out all the thoughts of the drug. Still, deep inside me, I wanted more. That's what I wanted.