SԵíӀӀ LíԵ

Chapter 16

"What?", I asked. But it was rhetorical.
I knew what he meant. He meant that the dealers he was working for were somewhere looking for Caleb as we spoke.
"You heard me..", he said. His chin dropped down, allowing his sadness to show through. But Caleb would never admit that to me. Never. He smiled crookedly at me. "It's okay. They have no idea where I am. They can't find me. That's why I was staying away from you..to protect you fr-", I stopped him by pressing my fingers over his lips. I squeezed my eyes, closed and opened them. I looked directly in Caleb's eyes so he could really know that what I was saying, I meant. "Caleb, I don't give a damn about my protection. You said yourself, it's okay. You don't need to protect me. Because I'm here no matter what. You know that".
He looked at me. His eyes were worn out, dark circkles outlined his eyes. "I love you", he said as he brushed my face. I felt his hand with mine and whispered that I loved him too. But I had questions on my mind. I needed an answer, a reason why to just one thing in my demented life. "Why Caleb? Why are they looking for you?", I asked him. His eyes fell to the floor and for a moment he was silent. "I thought I could do it. I used to do it no problem, with a smile on my face. But I've changed. I couldn't..pull the trigger. And the way that these men think ,Ash, it's either kill or be killed. And I couldn't kill. Not anymore.. not anymore". His eyes never left the floor and I was unsure, like always, of what to say. Really, I just thought it was obscene. Stupid. Pointless. But it was reality nonetheless. It was happening. "Where are you staying?", I asked him. But when he began to tell me his answer, I cut him off. "Caleb. Please just stay with me. If they don't know where you are then it's fine. I can't...deal with you being gone like that. You know that Caleb. Please."
His face twisted into sadness, the smile lines in his face disappearing. He shook his head slowly. "Ashley, I can't stay here. That would put everyone in this house at risk. And now that they're out to get me, they'll find me," he whispered. I grabbed his hands, feeling my stomach drop. I could let him leave, but I wouldn't give him up. I sat on his legs, facing him. His lips curved upward once more and I kissed him, softly. "I don't care", I said in his ear.
"They won't look here, it'll be okay", I said to comfort him. Though I knew the city would be the first place they would come to. They couldn't possibly come this far though right? I kissed his neck, missing the feeling of him being here. It all seemed like to much. It was so random. But I couldn't detach myself from Caleb. He was my everything. My reason for just waking up each morning. I'd stick this out with him. Because I loved him. And I told him so. Not because it was what I thought he wanted to hear, but simply because I wanted him to know.
Caleb sighed and held my body close to his. Each of us were only enjoying each other's breath. And I was happy for the first real time since he left. "I'll stay Ashley. But if things get to shaky, I have to go. To make sure that your okay. That's the only thing that matters to me anymore.."
Satisfied, I rested my head on his body. Then I felt the rummble in his chest as he chuckled softly. "What?", I asked him, not moving my head. He laughed quietly and said," Who doesn't know what an eggroll is?" At this, I turned my head and giggled. "This guy I met downtown sweared up and down that he had never heard of an eggroll," he smiled crookedly like Ryan always did. And I returned the smile. "Whats in an eggroll exactly?", I asked him. He scrunched his little nose as he thought. "Yaknow..meat and vegetables. Like..pork and lettuce. Or cabbage. Do they have lettuce?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, deep in thought over an eggroll. "I think they do. I could swear they do. But who knows?", I said. I met Caleb's eyes and kissed the tip of his nose, happy that he was right here with me. And the thought of him staying here, never leaving, made me happier.
"Where were you staying though?", I asked him as the question popped into my head. He just shook his head. "I was staying with my uncle. Then I stayed with this bitch named Maryani. And eventually I just hitch hiked my way here. I called you on a payphone. I can't use my cell any more." So that was the weird number calling me. I felt a sudden guilt for not answering the phone.
"Enough about all that. It doesn't matter now. I told you what I needed to.. so," he said, as he tackled me to my bed. His arms wrapped around me so tightly I couldn't breathe. Glad I didn't have to be alone anymore, I pulled his body to mine. "What have you been up to these past couple of days?", Caleb asked me. "Nothing", I murmured. His eyes searched mine, but they wouldn't find anything there.
His fingers traced the healing cut on my chin and my bottom lip. "Talk to me. I told you we needed communication, Ashley".
I sighed. He was right. "Well. I didnt do much. I stayed up for five straight nights. And then crashed for like almost two days. I missed school yesterday. Just hung out with Ryan. Oh and we got weed laced with PCP. That was...uh fun," I told him. He laughed. "You? You did PCP? And were you on meth the whole fucking time?", he asked me. I felt the anger behind his words and I knew that he was worried now. "Yeah. I was. Because things have been kinda shitty," I admitted. I laid my head on his chest, relaxing against his body. "Oh yeah? What's been shitty?", he asked. I played with the threads on the end of his shirt as I carefully thought about what I was going to say. "Well, obviously you not being here is shitty. Not taking to you or even knowing if your okay or not is shitty. Being paranoid is shitty. My mom and her boyfriend are shitty. These dealers are even shitty. This whole situation is shitty," I said. And yeah all of it was true. The drugs in my life were exciting. But when we weren't high, it wasn't exactly worth it. Calebs fingers found my face and he pulled me up. His fingers touched my cuts again. "What happened?"
I bit my lip. I didn't want to exaggerate. But I didnt want to lie. "My mom's boyfriend and I, we got into a small fight. I just couldn't..deal with him hurting her. But she wants it so it's whatever. Not my business. I tried to care. But I can't help it if she doesn't want me to."

He muttered a few words but really, I wasn't listening. I was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I was still tired even after I had slept all that time. And Caleb must have sensed that. Because he asked me if I was tired. I just smiled into his shirt, halfway asleep already. I felt him pull the comforter over both of us. I felt his feet brush mine as he kicked off his shoes. And I felt his fingers playing with my hair. I laid there, drifting in a world between sleep and reality.

As always when I fall asleep, I heard Caleb's voice. "I'd do anything for you darling. Whatever I have to do to protect you..", he whispered. But I was to far into sleep to mutter anything back. To far into sleep to hear what else he was talking about. But when I heard that, I smiled and I knew that when I woke up I'd have to face reality. But this was my personal heaven and I didn't care about anything more in that moment than Caleb's fingers tracing my spine. Because I was actually happy. And I didn't need to be high to feel that. And all the while, I felt those silly butterflies in my stomach. They never ceased. And that's how I knew I loved Caleb. I felt his lips brush my nose before I let my sleep deprived brain pull me under.