Sinner's Place {h.s}

eighteen.

Sunday morning, the rain is still falling across the city. I haven't left bed yet knowing full well that church starts in less than two hours. I haven't been able to really leave my bed, to say the truth. I haven't seen Harry since we had sex and it left a really empty feeling inside of me.

I guess the word would be catholic guilt. My mom had always told me I would never make it to heaven if I had sex before marriage and yet, there I was, having sex before I even had a ring on my finger. The rational part in me wanted to make myself feel better, but the other part of me was self loathing, scared, wondering ways to turn back time where I didn't have sex and I could keep my purity.

Growing up in a religious household was hard enough as it is, I didn't need my brain to remind me every second of the day that I was going to hell, or so I thought I was going to hell. I've been trying to live so carelessly for the last few weeks I've moved out, but I can't help but to still think about my mom. Or like my mom. The things she has drilled into my head all of my life.

I wanted so desperately to live like Gracie where she didn't care about who judged her, or be afraid of being judged after death. She always did what she wanted without feeling bad about herself. I wanted that.

Although, I was grateful that I wasn't as sick as I was yesterday. That was one thing to feel good about, but it was a small win for me. Maybe I had thought this way because alcohol is a depressant and I was hitting a rough low.

I needed to get up. Take care of myself. Make myself feel better than I was feeling at that moment.

I ended up getting out of bed an hour before I needed to leave and took a much needed shower. Showers always made me feel better, more clean, it was like washing your sins away but with the rusty water from the old building that you live in. I would never drink this water if I could help it, who knows what kind of diseases it had in it.

But it was water and I had my own place. I couldn't complain and maybe one day I would move into a nicer place where the water was clear and not dangerously orange or yellow. I had dreamed of my own house with a balcony that had plants and vines that naturally made its way up the railings. A huge yard for my future kids to play in and a beautiful kitchen to make baked goods in.

That dream felt so far away with being a teacher. I loved my job, but the pay was killing me since I moved into this apartment by myself. I was just scrapping by barely, but again, couldn't complain. I was away from my mom.

I hadn't seen them since the last church day and even then, I hid from them. Is it normal to be afraid of your parents? I thought it was for the longest times. It was walking on eggshells, but instead if the eggshells made the tiniest noise then you were basically in for it.

After I took a shower, I dried my hair off and threw it into a pony tail that was neat and put on some appropriate clothes for church. It was basically a black sweater with some jeans. I was shocked I had did this all before coffee, but I guess I surprised myself sometimes.