𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐲 | ✓

31

If I have to name my first in the long list of clauses I hate with every fiber in my body from that contract, is the clause dictating I cannot decline anything that strengthens or takes forth the contract.

This single clause might single-handedly fuck up the following five years. As usual, I can't do anything but go along with it. I've come too far to give up now. I owe it to Dad to take down Benjamin Stewart. To make that man pay for what he did to us and my father. I'll be the damn karma for him. I'll make him suffer.

But looks like, first this karma is going to suffer before acting out her role.

Anger, jealousy, and feeling all these sorts of nonsense emotions are quite draining, but focusing on my goal, on my revenge, is not.

I will my mind to only concentrate on my goal, doing whatever needs to be done to destroy Ben Stewart. I overlook the flash of fear that crossed Spencer's features at that stupid Saturday lunch.

Albeit difficult, I ignore how even now, thinking about it stings. I wish he possessed the same amount of fear of losing me five years ago...

I'm not denying I fucked up pretty bad, nor am I saying I'm technically worthy of a second chance... okay, that's a lie... well kind of. I'm not worthy of a second chance, but I wish he would've given me anyway.

I knew he wouldn't give me a second chance that's why I chickened out of telling him the truth.

Yes, with every single cell in my body I wanted him to forgive me, or at least tell me how I can gain back his trust and fix whatever I broke.

I apologized and I begged him, on more than one occasion, which is a huge deal for someone like me who never bows to anyone. I was willing to do anything to keep him in my life... yet, in his eyes, my mistake was big enough that no amount of apologizing, or anything else I might have come with, could've made him pause for a moment and consider forgiving me.

My lie, or series of lies, was no small thing, I get that. I bruised his ego, hurt him, and broke his trust. If our places were swapped, I- I think... well, I don't know what I would have done. Spencer is not the type of person to work behind your back and betray you. I guess that's what he assumed I was like, perhaps that's the reason why it hurt him so much.

From yesterday's lunch, until I left the house with Kristian thirty minutes ago, I've been busy convincing myself what I did was bad enough that no amount of apologizing could have fixed it. He did what anyone would have done. I did not deserve a second chance. I must respect his choice.

No, I'm not forcing myself to believe these things for his sake, I'm doing it for mine.

Yesterday I realized, I won't be able to put off his wedding with Julia longer than I already have. There will come a day where I have to stand in an alter and watch Spencer and Julia together as they say their oaths.

I'm preparing myself for that day.

As dreadfully agonizing as the thought itself is, it's the reality, it will happen. The sooner I make peace with it, the better it'll be for both of us.

During these five years, I respected his choice for not wanting to have any sort of contact with me.

I'm certain I can manage to hold myself up to his wishes for five more years. He deserves peace. I have no right to snatch it away from him again.

What we had was like a dream. A dream I shattered way before it had the chance to bloom into reality.

These conclusions and decisions twist and churn my stomach, break my aching heart again and again until breathing becomes too difficult, but I know it's for the best. I have to pull myself together and stay out of his way for our sake.