Under The Moonlight

Chapter 26

TW: self hate kinda thoughts

Mei spent the whole night sobbing and tearing paper apart. Destroying paper might not be the best for the environment, but it helped the vampire calm down. Tearing paper... it eased the internal conflict that was going on inside her mind, breaking it apart.

The voices inside her skull yelled, pleaded, fought. Each one with a different opinion, all of them having a point, none of them being right. One of them was saying that Cas was the reason Mei's mental health had worsened. Another argued they were only trying to help and make her happy. Another said that all of this bickering could've been avoided if Mei had been logical and hadn't got attached; everyone knew that, as much as they liked each other, Cas would die and Mei not. This whole situation was useless, the pain was inevitable. Against this, another said the happiness that could've come from the relationship was good and shouldn't've been stopped. But then again, was Mei really happy?

There was one thing most of the voices agreed upon. Mei had been stupid; maybe they didn't agree when or how, but she had. Maybe it had been breaking up. Maybe it had been inviting Cas in. Maybe it had been listening to Laurene. Maybe it had been trusting Cassey. Maybe it had been going to the café so often. Maybe it had been just the fact of engaging in a friendly conversation with them so, so long ago. Maybe she had been stupid all along. As things were looking at the moment, the last one seemed correct. Mei wasn't worthy of love; she didn't deserve it. This was the way the universe had to deliver this message after she had tried to defy it.

Worse even... She had to work today. A breakup wasn't an excuse to skip it. Mei had already been absent a few days ago, this couldn't become a habit. Faking a smile wouldn't be the issue, Laurene would. She had become quite curious about Mei lately, trying to become closer friends, meaning she knew about the other day, and Cassey, and the date, and had tried to help, but didn't know about the breakup, and she would ask, and Mei couldn't afford to break down in front of her. Avoiding Laurene for the whole day wouldn't be an easy task, but there was no harm in trying.

...

It turned out to be easier than expected. After the first three "Laurene, not now", "Laurene, please leave me alone," and "Laurene, I don't want to talk about it," she finally got the message. Being alone was nice. Right? Yeah... the black hole in her chest that shallowed all emotion and air from her lungs was something normal, it was fine. It was fine. She was doomed to it anyways, wasn't she? Mei was a vampire. All her friends would die before her. So it was alright. Better like this. The back hole might grow and shallow her whole, but, in the end, it'll dim down. She'll get used to it. It'll be fine.

Surprisingly, Cassey didn't send any text. They didn't call. Nothing. Not at all.

It was strange. It felt wrong. Cas- they were always online. They were always there. They constantly sent texts, memes, or just a little question like "how was your day?" or "What are you doing rn?". Specially if they knew something was up with Mei.

The vampire had expected this to increase. For them to ask what had happened, or if she was fine, or if they could talk it out. But nothing. Not at all. Was it selfish? Was it selfish to want them to try and reach her? Probably it was.

You broke up with them, Mei, the loudest voice said, Now you have to deal with the consequences. They probably already moved on. You aren't that big of a deal anyways.

...

"Wait wait wait wait, repeat all that from the top, make it make sense this time," Cassey told Haze. It was late Monday morning, and, once more, Cas had sneaked into Haze's shop to spend time together. The thing is that Haze had decided three days where enough for Cas to calm down, so ze was finally bringing the voice of reason into the conversation of the breakup.

"I'm saying," Haze repeated, tying up the bouquet of flowers that ze had in zirs hands, "That according to what you told me, your attempt on being supportive ended up sounding invalidating since you said that 'at least it's all fine now' or something along those lines. Cute gal was on a vulnerable moment where she decided to share important emotions, but your answer made it seem like it didn't matter anymore. That's why she got mad, that's why you started arguing, that's why she broke up with you."

"Omg. Oh my fucking god! I'm so stupid!" Cassey cried, "You're right! I was an asshole! I- I need to call her. I need to tell her how sorry I am. Haze where is my phone!?"

"Sweetheart, darling, chill!" Haze grabbed Cassey's sleeve and stopped her from running away and wrecking the store, "I think it's a bit too early for her. Don't get too... I'm not sure what the correct word is... don't get too you. Do it lightly. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you understand her frustration. Tell her to meet you up at the café one of these days. But please don't spam her with a thousand messages and calls. That'll be too overwhelming. Take. It. Easy."

"I will! I will, don't worry! I owe you one Haze."

"By now you owe me twenty, but I appreciate the sentiment."

...

Mei slept in that afternoon. There wasn't much to do until 11pm, so it didn't matter if she woke up at 4 or 7 pm. The thing is, she was now starving. Quickly, she prepared the pot of blood for her late breakfast, turning on her phone after she shallowed the vitamin pills.

To her surprise, she had received some messages from Cas. Not only the texts themselves where the surprise, but the amount they've sent. The chat read:

Cassey: Hi Mei

I wanted to say sorry

Look, I didn't behave like I should've the other day, I now see that I acted like an asshole. I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings and I'm so sorry my words betrayed me

Would you wanna come by the café tonight so we can talk it out? Please?

Oh. Oh well...

Alright, um... objectively, technically, really, it was nice. Just a few, precise messages. Going to the point. Avoiding being overwhelming. But-

But Mei got a bad feeling. A bad anxious scrappy feeling that lingered over her and whispered in her ear some doubt. The message, the text, what Cassey had said- it didn't really sound like them? It was- it wasn't- didn't feel like them. There was something off. Or at least that's what her brain told her. Mei listened to it.

It seemed more like a copy-paste text you send to people after they break up with you than anything else. And that's why Mei elected to let it pass by. She had made a decision. Even if Cas had been the person to treat her best in the last few years and they've give her hope and the feeling she belonged, at the end it hadn't worked out, hadn't it? At the end, she'd got her night terrors back. And panic attacks. And maybe Cassey didn't mean it, or they weren't conscious on this, but it was true. She was fine before, then they started dating, then things went downhill. Those facts had to be related, right?

Therefore, instead of replying, Mei turned her phone off and drank the last few droplets of blood from her glass, standing up to clean the dirty dish, ignoring the feeling of an arrow shooting through her heart, piercing it, twisting it, breaking it apart. It was normal. It'll be over soon. It was just a matter of time.