Boulevard Of Broken Dreams [ Wattys 2015 ]

38.

When life hits, it hits hard. And in some cases you cannot undo what it's already done. It tears you apart. It makes you feel miserable and stupid.

I spent the rest of the night hearing Kris crying under her breath and doctors just telling us bad news.

Four days passed.

It was so fucked up. Demi had not taken her meds for two months and her health condition was really bad, but still she refused everything the doctors offered.

But there was no save either. It was definite and it made me want to crash everything but I needed to accept it.

She was dying.

The person I loved the most was dying and all I was doing is just sitting in a fucking chair looking at the black spots of the floor beneath me. I felt shitty. I couldn't help her in any way possible and it just seemed to be my fault.

Everybody arrived, Mickey, Ann, Demi's mom, some friends.Reporters at the doors. Nobody said a word.

They finally gave us permission to see her but I didn't feel ready. How could I feel ready when half of my heart was going to be ripped off?

I adored her. I loved her. I knew she had problems but I loved her, dammit. And that was too much and not enough at the same time.

I could make a list of all of the times we fought and then ran back to each other. She was so different from other girls, so mesmerising and everything. I didn't know why I was so attacked to a person like that. I wanted to be near her every second and forget the world. Even once that I finally found the right one, my shitty luck decides to play a game and win, taking them away from me.

I entered the room first with a racing heart and a blank mind. I saw her there, on the bed, pale as snow, purple lips and dark rings under her eyes.

I wanted to kill myself right there, I wanted to break everything around me.

I gulped down and tears threatened my eyes and as much as I forced myself I couldn't handle them.

She turned her head at me slowly and faintly lifted her arm for me to come. I slipped closer with heavy feet and sat in the chair, holding her skinny hand. I looked down at the multiple scars on her wrists and touched lightly.I felt the tears on my hot cheeks and wiped them away but more kept falling.

Her cold hand caressed my face and I closed my eyes, leaning under her touch but the pain in my chest wouldn't stop.

"Harry." she whispered.

I looked at her in pain and she looked at me.

"Harry, get me out of here." she panicked.

"Demi, calm down please." I held her hand.

"HARRY!" she grabbed me with wide eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

"Demi, please calm down down. You're sick."

"No I'm not!" she yelled. "I am fine! I'm not sick!"

She threw me over and I almost hit the floor but quickly managed to stand up.

"Demi, you're not okay!" I cried out.

"You don't believe me." she said, tears slipping.

"You are not.. Yourself. Please, just rest."

"I'm not crazy." 

I felt so fucking small, so stupid and useless. I couldn't really say anything anymore. I called the doctor and I watched as they gave her her painkillers again. It hurt. And i knew it would be like this for long.

But I wasn't giving up.

We all decided to take her at home. A better clinic had offered us medication that could make it last for one or three weeks more.. But still, it had to come. She was not fine; mentally or physically. Everyday she was becoming worse. Everyday she was losing herself and the pain was undefinable not only for Demi, but for us all. How could you watch the person you loved most end up like this?

Have you ever felt tested, like a mouse in laboratories? Like life decided to do this funny thing and put you, stuck you in a thousand situations where both sides of the problem have none good sense to you? Where the clock is tickling like a time bomb, making you feel so damn anxious and you can't do anything about it.

Sometimes, some problems have no solutions.

Science, physics, logic.  Money. They can't give the answer.

Demi. Demi. Demi. Demi.

She is everywhere, and soon she'll be nowhere.

—

I woke up by a phone call. I slowly reached my phone and pressed the Accept button, wishing it's wasn't what i though it was. The end.

"Hello?" I spoke with a low voice.

"Harry." I heard her mom's voice. "It's time."

I dropped the call and stared at the wall.

I felt so heavy.

I sobbed hearing only the sound of my breath with eyes forced closed.

I couldn't move neither talk. I just wanted to be left alone. with her.

But I guess she was already gone.

Oh.

Oh the irony.